Help! I'm Graduating On Friday, But I'm Afraid To Go...

[melody]

I don't mind at all Paloma...

I took a course to be a medical lab technician. As for why I took it...

My most recent trauma happened while I was at work (in an office) and I just don't think I could ever work in an office again. So I thought if I took this course I could sit locked away (in a laboratory) where no one could find me and I'd be doing something that could help society. Trouble is... I'm just plain scared to be out "there" (anywhere) everyday.

I don't despair though because there is one incredibly good thing that came from it... I found out I was smart and I honestly never thought I was. I dropped out of school before I finished grade ten and even when I wrote my GED when I was 30, I still didn't pass the math or science. Now, I'm not afraid to learn and I actually just signed up for another course; a Doula (birthing instructor). I'm hoping that having my own business, and only having to deal with two people (a couple) at any given time will be something I can handle. I realize that it won't always be a happy occasion, but it will for the most part.

What about you Paloma, you mentioned you graduated as well... What courses did you take? :smile:

 

[Tessa]

Congratulations Melody,

You managed your fear of graduation. You also have been innovative in helping yourself by finding ways to move forward (your course) so you can cope in a different environment.

Take care
Tessa

 

[Paloma]

Hey, Melody...great career choice! Also the doula program...right on! How great is that to learn you can do anything...learn...in spite of PTSD?:occasion:

I haven't graduated yet. This was a really big "patient assessment" skills test for my First Responder class. It was a "must pass" to continue the semester deal. Lotta pressure...memorizing 3 pages of tasks and verbiage that had to be said exactly while performing the hands on trauma assessment. Probably like you it's been a huge struggle to stay in school...had to drop 2 classes. The exhaustion, oatmeal brain, inability to remember squat...forcing myself to go...I never thought I would pass. Just kept putting one foot in front of the other like the tortoise. Only I...and maybe you guys...will truly understand the struggle and how it feels like I got a PhD in nuclear physics!:wink:

 

[melody]

Thanks Tessa! And yes, being innovative is the only way I cope. I'm still sitting on the fence a bit; denial on one side and acceptance on the other, but talking to all of you is truly helping me to "get off the fence" and move over to acceptance and coping.

Paloma,

Yes, I know exactly what you mean - oatmeal brain is the perfect way to describe it! I also have problems finishing sentences - lol!

And as for understanding the struggle... You probably worked harder than someone going for their PhD in nuclear science, so make sure you pat yourself on the back.:occasion:

 

[onebravegirl]

:dontknow:You know how some people clap or stamp their feet to keep grounded right? Well I have this stone. A tiny piece of amethyst I think. A little bigger than a quarter. It has rough edges. When I would get anxious I would hold this little stone in my hand and rub its edges against my thumb. It felt cool and rough. No one ever knew I had it in my hand, But it really helped ground me. It was just a tiny little friend in my hand.

 

[anni]

HI,
I read this thread also because I've 'been there'. Thanks to everyone who replied with great ideas. I wish I'd had some of them earlier and am going to use them in the future.

Melody, congrats so much, both for your education and for choosing to tackle your trauma SO head-on! Wow.

I only did manage to get through one of these caliber things with the positive thought idea. Mine were 'I'm ok I'm ok I'm ok ( as simple as that sounds ) and also a very New-Agey 'I am light'. :) I don't think I could ever let anyone know I was saying that to myself but it was so peaceful! My ancient Rosary beads worn around my neck or clutched HARD helped also.

Having already faced your trauma so gracefully, I hope you do find you have the ability to cope with your graduation in whatever way is the best choice for you.

Take care,

Anni

 

[Lionheart]

Going to college and graduating after being out of school for 28 years as a high school drop out was a big deal for me. I graduated college last May and did not go to my graduation. I simply wouldn't put myself through the paces of dealing with social phobia/ panic attacks etc. so that others could join in my success. Maybe that's a cop out for avoiding behavior, but I did give myself a big ol pat on the back. Congratulations, regardless if you go to graduation or not!!! :clap:

 

[melody]

It's been a couple of weeks since I've been on here... Even though I faced my fear, it kind of set me back... It's funny how the withdrawal symptoms kind of set in so slowly that you think you've gotten past it without triggering yourself, and then you realize you haven't been able to go out of the house in a week or two... That you've been flagging important emails because you're just not sure how to respond to them... That you avoid the phone because you're just so emotional you know you're going to start crying if the other person on the end of the phone asks you how you are... And one of the biggest ones for me... I avoid this site. Why is that?!! You're the only people that understand me... You're my support system for GOODNESS SAKE!! :crazy: Is it because I'm still in denial - not completely, but I am. I want to believe that this is the new me and that once I learn to cope, I'll be fine. But then there's a huge part of me that says, "That's not you, you can fight this, you've had a rough life and you're strong, you can get past this."

Oh, I don't know... I feel guilty signing on sometimes... I'm here, I write down all kinds of personal things I wouldn't tell anyone, and then I just have trouble signing back on again. I'm not sure if I'm afraid you guys will disapprove of me or what it is. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me; there are people that have endured so much more than me... I just don't get it...

This isn't even the right spot for this is it? I should have probably started a new thread, but honestly I've opened my heart and I'm not even going to reread what I wrote because I'll probably just delete it, like I do a lot of the posts I write. So, if it's the wrong spot, please move it. If it's okay, thank you once again for being there for me. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[NarcSis]

You're in a down phase, you've been through them before, it is completely understandable and for me, its part of the cycle that I am unfortunately getting all too familiar (and comfortable) with.

Sure, it sucks, you feel like you've fallen off the mountain and you're just too damn tired to try to climb back up again but whether we actually mean to or not, we start to crawl back up. Its in our nature.

Don't punish yourself for falling, it is what it is. Take a rest from the climb, allow yourself to. You've done so good, you've done so much and guilt will be the reaction to this. We don't often feel we Deserve Anything...but we do.

I haven't 'endured' much either in comparison to others - I find this is where I punish myself for feeling how I feel; its like I don't "deserve" to feel the way I do because I haven't been through as much as others. Its a lie. It is not the trauma that binds us, it is the effect of it.

We can't compare traumas because we don't share the same traumas, even if the circumstances were similar, its not the same. We are all affected by our own individual trauma, but we all share the same symptoms, this is why we are here. You are no better or worse than anyone else on this site; we understand.

Give yourself a hug today, Melody. You sound like you need it.

>>>HUG<<<<

 

[Nicky31]

Hi Melody

I wanted to say how much I have identified with your feelings and actions. I have gone for months avoiding e-mails because I just don't know where to start with people, I have cried so much I now compare myself to Alice In Wonderland, just me swimming around in the hugest pool of tears that I have created- hence my avatar. Even this morning I'm avoiding the phone. I know where you are coming from, and it's ok!

It sounds as though although you doubt yourself, that you are actually good at listening to yourself. If you don't feel up to stuff, don't take it on, not right then anyhow. If you want to just log on and read through some threads then do it, try not to feel guilty. I'm guessing everyone has their own reasons and ways of accessing the support on here. Whether it's just reading others' posts and identifying with feelings, writing your own trauma diary to express your reality, writing your own thread (as you have here) to share with people and gain their feedback and support, or venturing into chat just to say hi, it's up to you. We're all here and happy to see you if you want to share, but I understand if you just want to visit "quietly".

Look after yourself and keep posting.
Nicky:Hug_emoticon:

 

[melody]

Thanks guys, I definitely need the hugs...

I went to dinner at a friends place on Saturday and it was like they had set up some sort of intervention... Apparently saying to one of my closest friends that "I'm going to stop looking for a cure for PTSD, and learn how to cope with my new life," is giving up... It was horrible... There were three of my closest friends (and my husband) there and I feel like they were talking about me like I wasn't there... They kept saying things like; "I can't believe they told her there's no cure," "Why would anyone tell her that??!!" "It's no wonder she's giving up."

What the ****! Who's giving up?! I was crying so hard, I'm not even really sure what else was said... After what seemed like an eternity, I got up and said I was going to walk home because I just couldn't listen anymore...

Now I need to talk to my husband and find out where he really stands on it all... I'm pretty sure he understands... He's been incredible through all of it and I gave him an out (a couple years back), but he wanted to stay. Hopefully he still feels the same way.

Thanks for listening... :Hug_emoticon:

 

[NarcSis]

Misguided people who love you and cannot sit back and just watch you suffer. This is all that it is. The hardest part to understand is the suffering.

Put it this way, could you sit back and just watch helplessly while someone was sufferring in front of you? Not likely. It is the most painful thing to watch someone suffer, so what do we do? We try to help and we try to help in the only way we know how....

An intervention....really. Melody, you'll have to forgive me for laughing, but you surely must see the humour in that. If a PTSD intervention could work, I'd love one please. :) Let your friends know.

They don't like to see you isolate, they love you and it hurts. When it seems you are withdrawing beyond a point of no return, they will force you back out, they don't want to lose you....they think they are losing you. Sometimes, we lose ourselves, keep that in mind. Look for the balance.

Keep smiling.