HELP - I'm in Emotional Agony Right Now

[Claire]

Hello, well I totally understand that. I used to feel the same way whenever I explained my crash to anyone. Guilt was the main emotion and shame. Although I had no reason to feel either. I still do sometimes too.

It does feel overwhelming, you did well to tell her everything in the first session, she cant help you if she doesnt know. Yes, you can be proud of yourself but I know it doesn't feel like that. You have started the ball rolling though. You've let her in, put your cards on the table. Now I think you need to slow down and look after yourself. I find it easiest if I think of myself as a young child when I'm really bad. If a young child came to you after a traumatic experience how would you help them? Just basic things like, warmth, comfort, quiet.

You can get better and you have done something very brave today.

On the forum there are lots of different people, all at different stages of healing. Some can and will help and some cant at the moment. It doesn't mean they dont care or aren't with you.

 

[mightsurvive]

Told her all the things i was made to do and all the things i wished i had or hadnt done. Told her about how he killed me and ended up scratching myslef on the face ( no marks though). She said i was brave and defiant and that she respected me for that but i dont feel brave. Not one little bit. Just feel worthless. Why doers ity have to be this hard. I thought i was making the right decission in confronting the issues but now wish i hadnt. Havent i suffered enough? Am i just making things worse for myself? Maybe i deserve to suffer more. But i dont want to. I'm going mad no - ive already gone mad. So very scared that ill get committed.

 

[Claire]

You have made the right decision telling her. Imagine how destructive all that energy would be inside you.

No, you are not making things worse. It might feel like that and you will be bad but its the start of getting better. There's no justice in it but you are a survivor.

You have made a massive start by joining and posting here and talking to her today.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Telling her was very brave, and very awesome work! You obviously had to get out of you and did! Also, you must of had good vibes from her to be able to. Great job! So many do not tell everything and lay their cards on the table with those that are supposed to help. Now she will know exactly what needs to be addressed.

In doing that though it completely reasonable to feel like you were just run over. That is really a huge thing you did. Pat yourself on the back when you feel better, and you will.

One of the things I learned was with all this bile (horrible emotions of trauma) in me it ate me alive. In therapy I spoke about it until blue in the face and listened to many takes on it and why I hang on to many thinking styles and why. The better ones sunk in eventually. I got it out of me so much it also no longer festered. But talking about at first made me very ill, it was like having to relive it over and over.

For those times what worked for me was a variation of things and it changed over time. Like, at first they medicated me. I went off of meds as I got better with my other skills. Mind you this took over a year to wean me off as I was heavily addicted. If you are not on meds this can be good as you will not have to deal with addiction on top of it.

I learned and still often practice CBT skills. If you need I can further explain this. Practice self talk! You tell yourself something enough you will believe it. Right now you are saying it won't end. What I did was take post it notes and stuck two different colors where I spent most of my time. One color write out my negative thinking statement I was telling myself. On the other challenge it and put a positive statement instead. So anytime I had the bad thought I could look up and immediately see the positive to counter it with. OK, not great for decor but it helped me a lot.

My intrusive thoughts were overkill when I felt bad, like most symptoms... So I found a bunch of guided imagery. It is like a story someone tells you about yourself. It is very useful on the road to learn meditation. I listen to it often as if I just have music my mind goes out the door most of the time but I am much better with it now. With the person talking in a soothing voice I can concentrate on what they are saying enough and try to see it in my head it is like my mind does not have time to turn it into something bad. It takes practice but if you listen to the story voice you do not have much room for the rest to creep in. IMO excellent teaching tool. This is great to bring down anxiety levels and calm you.

Herbal teas. I have heard great stories on Kava but chamomile tastes so much better, does not have same health concerns, and for me chamomile and peppermint worked a helluva lot better.

Walk. Just try to get some exercise. You will likely not feel up to dancing, but try some silly beaty music and try to clean house. You may just find yourself doing a little extra wiggling and can does wonders for your mood. Will you WANT to do this. Unlikely. For me it can be like pulling teethe. Once started though you do feel improvement. Plus it always feels wonderful when the house sparkles.

Avoid coffee and cokes. Most don't do this but for me this is a very sketchy area. I try to drink it here and again recently. Sometimes it is OK, sometimes I get sick as a dog.

Scented bubble bathes. I still do this a few times a week. Extra 10 or 20 minutes in there enjoying it is so little time and so worth its soothing effects. Johnson's lavender baby lotion for bed time has a very calming effect on me... Speaking of which I need to add that to my grocery list :)

Make sure you are getting plenty of fresh veggies. This does make a difference. I am not a huge veggie fan but I love salsa so I make a couple quarts of fresh so all I have to do is open the fridge and grab when I do not want to cook.

If you do not have agoraphobia then treat yourself. Go buy yourself something small and frivolous. Reward yourself after therapy for the hard work you put in. You deserve it. Not pricey just something little you would not normally buy. Even a candy bar ;)

If I think of more I will let you know. Good luck. You did great at your appointment!

 

[mightsurvive]

I'm so sorry that you understand the way i feel claire. Yeh guilt is a major one. and youre right that she cant help me if she doesnt know. Ive only got 6 sessions with her and i know that wont be enough. nowhere near. So what will i do when they are over? I'll have to start all over again with someone else - thats if i can find someone else. still waiting for an nhs counsellor but thats going to be at least another 6 months. I have already been waiting for 8 months. i hate being so down on myself but i am not able to feel proud. Not able to feel anything positive about myself. I dont know how to look aftermyslef. hubby came home and didnt even ask how it went. Does he care? Maybe he does and isnt coping with it himslef. so scared to talk to him about how i am. Cant let anyone in to see the real me. Although that is one very positive thing that i have been able to do on this site. I know i should be kinder to myself i just dont know how to. i have never liked to make things easy for myself and never have done. thats a skill im going to have to learn. Again, i dont know how. Lack of sleep and food isnt helping i spose. I really do hope that you are right about getting better. Thats all i want apart from children. dont feel brave but thank you for saying that. AMybe one day i will and it will give me strength.

I know what you are saying about people on this site. That is so right. But i dont expect people to help. You cant help others until you have helped yourself. I wish everyone on this site to heal as quickly as possible. Not because i want help mind you. People here deserve their suffering to go away. Every one has been so kind and hopefully i will be strong enough to do that for others one day.

 

[Claire]

Have you told the doctor how serious things are? Most dont know hardly anything about PTSD. If you tell them, explain it, you might be able to speed things up. I know this is hard. I ended up going private and it has and is costing me a fortune. I couldn't wait. The NHS is great but rubbish in some cases. You have to jump up and down to really get noticed.

 

[mightsurvive]

Thank you for all the kind things you are saying to me hun. I still dont feel them but its nice to hear something positive for a change instead of only the negative thoughts i have about myself. It really is.

I didnt have particularly have good vibes from her when i first went in there. I couldnt have cared less who i was speaking to - anyone would have done. Even if they couldnt have helped. Just listening helps. But i broke down almost straight away. Once we got really into it i did get good vibes from her though. She told me about a personal issue she had herself which must have been devastating for her but right now i dont see how anything could be as bad as what people with PTSD have been through. Maybe that sounds self centred but i dont mean it to. I just havent ever had to experience anything worse than this, so even if there was anything worse i wouldnt be able to imagine or comprehend it.

You are right though - i feel like a bus has just hit me. So tired and drained and exhausted. I was going to try to go back into work tomorrow ( i also tried this morning but didnt manage even the journey to work). Not sure that i will have recovered from today though. We'll see. I love teaching and being with the kids is great. they really do take my mind off things and are great people. Its just all of the out of class room stresses i cant handle like reports and people asking me how i am. However i watched the Italian Job the other day and they say that "fine" stands for Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. so maybe i can say im fine and mean it. they dont have to know what i mean deep down. Today must have also been very stressful on the counsellor too though.

I was on meds but came off as i have a phobia of drugs due to my trauma. I sooo dont want to go back on them. I know they helped me an awful lot while i was on them but it was a last resort and i just cant go down that route again. Also trying to get pregnant but then i dont know how healthy it would be for me to have a baby if im so depressed. I believe it can transfer to the baby?

i know what you mean about the bile festering inside and u give me hope that one day it will sink in and wont be so bad. Thank you.

So many of your ideas sound like worth trying. Never done CBT but maybe this counsellor can start that with me as she is also a hypnotherapist. I doubt well get it done in 6 sesssions though. Maybe ill buy a book on it.

Love the post it note idea. i cant really do it with post its because i dont want my hubby knowing how i feel. Dont want to burdon him. Dont want him to get stressed and leave me although we do have a lovely realtionship. Just cant talk to him or anyone else. Maybe that why i can talk to a counsellor - no other option? I think i will try writing the positives and negatives down in a book though. thanks.

I have read a little about guided imagery - i have a post about a great book i read on ptsd and it was mentioned heavily in there. I gave it to a friend who needs it more than me though so ill go and buy another copy. Any ideas on where i might get guided imagery sound fiels? - could maybe put them on my mobile phone and listen to them at work.

As for drinks, i dont think im doing myself any favours there. i have drunk over 2 litres of coke (sometimes caffeine free) per day for over a decade. I will make a real effort with tea now tho. I'm so desperate ill try anything no matter how bad it tastes.

And i dont help myself with exercise either so theres soemthing else i could change. Although i do walk for miles and miles at work.

Baths arent my thing so maybe theres an alternative for the shower - will keep an eye out.

Hmm diet - yes i certainly do that - dont eat much at all lol.

Housework - yeh its a chore but i know youre right. Will try and throw myself into that.

I did have agoraphobia but that seems to have virtually disappeard now though and i love retail therapy. Not sure hubby would want me to be spending more money on even more things like that lol. Something im already very good at.

All your recommendations have been ever so helpful. cant thank you enough.

Sorry about giving you all the details of what i will and wont try but i hope it will serve as a reminder of what aims i have set myself today and will jog my memory to do them when i read back pver my posts.

I really cant thank you enough. Same goes to everyone who has replied to my original post.

Take care veiled hun (hope you dont mind me calling you hun)

 

[mightsurvive]

I have talked to my doctor and told her im really bad and she has written a letter asking for me to see a female nhs counsellor and for me to be moved up te list. I guess that is all she can do. My doctor has seen me in tears plenty of times but has never seen me as low as today. I always seem to break down once i have left the doctors but i have a massive issue with doctors- im taking one to court for lack of duty of care because she has made mty trauma effects so very much worse. Like you i went private but i cant afford her anymore at £163 per hour and she is off on long term sick leave anyway. Going to call the local mental health tema tomorrow if i can to see if i am likely to be moved up the list or not. I really do hope so.

 

[morgan]

I hear you

Hi. I just want to say that I read this entire thread and I too am listening. Hang in there and believe that you can get through this. We all have suffered this way at one time or another. Self talk is a really good suggestion, it helps balance out all the negative stuff. Writing helps too.
You are in my thoughts, Morgan:Hug_emoticon:

 

[mightsurvive]

Awww thank yo so much Sunnydaze for offering to lend me your ear.

I identify with you in that it sometimes helps me to help others but you must also make sure that you look after you too. I also widh to offer you my friendship and will help whenever i am able.

I know that i shouldnt be ashamed but i think it is ingrained im my mind now. Cant ever see myself not being ashamed but i hope i can one day.

I have only been here a couple of days and have found the posting so helpful and the information, advice and care overwhelming in a good way.

I am so glad that you have such a wonderful counsellor and i know that it helps to know that they care. I havent had any counselling since the start of november now and was so desperate to speak to someone. However i only have 6 sessions with this counsellor and know that i wont be either much better or cured by then. It doesnt give much time at all to develop a proper realtionship with her unfortuanltely. But i will jsut have to try and take each day, each hour, each minute as it comes and cross that bridge when it comes to it. Maybe by the end of the 6 sessions i will have been assigned an NHS counsellor. Which will mean starting all over again but as i say - take each minute as it comes.

i have never been able to look any counsellor in their eyes fro maore than a second or two so i know where you are coming from. I have always wondered if not looking my counsellors in the eyes made them think that i was lying as lack of eye contact can sometimes demonstrate lack of honesty. I have always thought they might think this of me because 2 doctors and a Samaritans phone counsellor have doubted me. That did me so much harm. Maybe i should tell my new counsellor that this is not the case and that it is purely becasue i am so ashamed. I know what she will say though. she will just tell me that i have no reason to be. But putting that into practice is ever so hard. As is ridding my self of the guilty feelings and self hated.

Maybe one day.

 

[mightsurvive]

Sending you my thanks por your post Morgan.

i know you are right in saying that i can get through this as i have no other option. but the journey is ever so hard. Guess you know that though as do others. I jsut sometimes feel so very alone with all of this. But your post and those of others have made me realise that i am definitely not alone in having these feelings. And im not alone now that i realise that people can actually be so caring and understanding. this is probably the first time i have experienced people who care and understand what it is like at the same time. The amount of replies proves that. I have experienced the odd person who has cared but not really understood no matter how much they tried to or wanted to but have never had people understand me like this. I feel i am "home" on this site and most definitely not alone.

I will try to keep up the writing of my trauma diary as i know it is something i need to do although, again it will be ever so hard. my counsellor has set me homework of trying to get as much of it down as i am able to for next wednesday. She has also asked me to try and face up to the flash backs of some of the lass painful flash backs. I'm going to try and do this but today it wont be possible. just too hard. Maybe i will give it a go tomorrow. Just cant take anymore of what i have been through this afternoon right now. I'm sure you understand how that goes though.

Again thank you for your care, support and hugs

Dont forget though that i offer you my friendship and support too.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((morgan)))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[dljwhitewolf]

I sought help one day after skipping stones, I was asking myself, what is the positive to ptsd, hyper vigilance, non-trust, no closeness etc etc etc all negatives. I had gotten extremely angry and irritated, I usually solve my own problems.
I went to a place and ask a friend, what is the benefit to my past? He asked did I ever let anyone do what they did? , Of course a resounding and immediate No! flew out of my mouth. I was told by him, no one can ever take from you, what you did not give.
I said to him, yes but as an adult I do have sex. He said, yes sex, you don't know how to make love, you were never taught.
I asked him, so what you are saying is I am still a virgin? He said yes.
It was a bandaid I needed more then anything in my life at that moment.
I walked away a recognized virgin, and from that point on, it mattered who I had sex with.
Born again virgin,
Donna-Lynne