Relationship He's Putting Himself First, I Think....

[Sighs]

Feel free to ignore this if you don't find it helpful, but I know a lot of very committed couples who don't live together.

Couple 1 have been together for nearly 10 years. Most nights he comes over to her place, has dinner etc and heads home to his place at about midnight because she has a back problem so sleeping in the same bed all night doesn't really work for them. No PTSD for either of them as far as I know.

Couple 2 have been together about 30 years. He is a Vietnam vet. I have no idea if he has been diagnosed but my vet (who should know!) says this bloke has PTSD symptoms. He lives out on the farm during the week and with her in the house in town on the weekends. He says its what has kept their marriage together.

There are at least two or three others but their stories are similar to the ones I mentioned above.

My parents have been together 45 years and live in separate suites on different floors of the same house.

If I could afford to, I would love to build my own little cottage on our farm and escape there when my vet is too much for me.

Maybe you could explore why you feel you need to live with him.

PS - I believe that @Sweetpea76 does not live with her vet as she has teenage children. I did the opposite - left my teenager with my parents and moved interstate to be with my vet.

 

[Wastinglight]

Thanks for the suggestion @Sighs, and I can see how that would be a great solution. But it's not the kind of relationship I want. We have already talked about me moving in, and we have agreed that this is what we both want, and we are working towards it. Our timeframe for that is 2-3 months from now (at least, that's what I think is going on!).

So unless he's decided otherwise in the last 24 hours, then I assume it's still what he wants. He is having a super stressful week, so it's possible that he wants to try and cash in on as many nights alone as he thinks he can get away with, before I move in permanently.

I have to believe that there is a way we can sort this out. I am going to suggest that I go out more often in the evenings and on weekends, but I also don't want to end up in a position where I feel like I'm obliged to leave house when I really would prefer to stay home.

I'm feeling upset and resentful at the moment, but I'm hoping that I can pull myself together before tonight and approach the situation with kindness and love when I see him.

Wish me luck!

 

[Sighs]

Be prepared for two steps forward one step back - particularly as your move looms closer.

I had quit my job, got a job near him (about 500km from my old job), transferred my professional registration from my home state to his home state, arranged for my 16 year old to move in with my parents, packed all my stuff into boxes, sold my horse and about a week before the removalists were due he picked a fight and broke up with me.

Once I had moved in, after just a few months he wanted to buy a rural property together. We got the bank loan, entered into the contract, I sold my jewellery to pay the removalists (again!), packed all my stuff AND all his stuff because he couldn't face it, arranged transport for two horses and about a week before the removalists were due - guess what? he picked another fight and broke up with me!

We've been in the new place almost a year now. Some days when I get home I don't even get a hello and he takes off to the shed or off into the hills. I work full time. He has plenty of alone time. Yes, I know its not about me, but it hurts and some days I'm very lonely.

Hope it all works out in the end for you, but being prepared for bumpy times helps me get through them so thought I would let you know.

Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Wastinglight]

Oh wastinglight....that sounds awful! You shouldn't be having to find things to do to give him more space....that's just not right. I would hold off moving in for good until you are certain, and have been certain after a length of time.

Thanks @richter scale. I'm at a point where I feel ready to move in. Now I'm just waiting for him to be ready as well. He sent me a message earlier, asking if I would mind picking up a few groceries on the way home, so at least he's expecting that I will be home tonight.

To be fair, he checked in at lunchtime, bedtime and first thing this morning. He is trying to be considerate. He knows that my anxiety has been crazy high lately, so I can only assume that he put his needs before mine last night because he was close to breaking point too. He really does compromise more than I do on this matter (although I compromise on a great many other things, some of which I don't think he acknowledges as actually being compromises).

 

[Wastinglight]

about a week before the removalists were due he picked a fight and broke up with me.

Wow, that's really rough. That must have been a massively stressful time. Jeez you're a strong gal :).

 

[Sweetpea76]

How have you dealt with this @Sweetpea76? Do you and your beau live apart or together?

We live apart for now... we've talked about moving in together and/or getting married, but I want to make sure things are stable enough for my kids first. My youngest is not quite 15, so we still have awhile to go before everybody is grown up and off to college etc. Plus, I think I'm just about as freaked out by "relationships" as he is, since I had a bad divorce and have been raising my kids alone for 14 years.

We deal with it by having a very "non-relationship" relationship. We've been together almost 3 years. We are monogamous and committed, and spend most of our time together, but you will never hear us say "my boyfriend/my girlfriend" (hence the "my vet" on here ;)). We'll call each other "my slampiece", "my old lady" or "bit of stuff on the side." We aren't too gushy with the "I love yous", rather we have code words, his being "you're better than a kick in the balls." We know we love each other, and have told each other so... but it is a special thing more than a everyday reflex. We have an anniversary, but we purposely celebrate it with humor. He got me a crockpot, like he got his mom and sister for Christmas, for our one year "so I could fix his dinner"... specifically because it was an unromantic gift (in his defense, he did put some jewelry inside though).He recently bought me half-carat diamond earrings... he told me it was because A). I listened to his shit, so he wanted to decorate my ears, and B). I would have had a stroke if it was a ring. We specifically do not make a big deal out of our relationship, or "where it is going."

It's not for everybody, but it works for us because both of us are laid back when it comes to relationships. We aren't planning on having kids, we've both been married before, neither of us is going anywhere, so it's not like we have a rush. It would not work very well if we both didn't have similar senses of humor or ideas about what makes a relationship.

 

[Lmm]

@Sweetpea76 Wow, everything you said there made me feel so much better. Just got in another fight with my vet tonight which again went nowhere. We've been engaged and living together 2 1/2 years and he now doesn't want to get married. I know he loves me, I know he wants to be with me, but he doesn't want to show that he has any emotions, or emotional needs. I know that's what it's really about. Makes me feel better to see I not the only one who deals with the not showing emotions thing. Anyways, was having an awful night, but reading your relationship story gives me hope. : )

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Lmm as long as you are both in a similar place or state of mind, it's better not to sweat the small stuff. It would be a different story if I really really wanted to be married, or if I wanted more kids, etc. It may change in a few years when my kids are grown and off to college. We're just rolling with it now, and it seems to work.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

@Sweetpea76I know he loves me, I know he wants to be with me, but he doesn't want to show that he has any emotions, or emotional needs.

Yeah, some men are like this. When they feel the most they show it the least. I know my husband is like this.

Sorry, I have not read the rest but needed to agree on this ;)
-

 

[Deleted member 28812]

It takes a while that behind the fassade of coolness and being emotionally uninvolved is a protective and noble man, who deeply cares about the things he cracks lousy jokes about but just does not carry his heart on his sleeve.