Way to go on giving up the alcohol!! I found it to be one of the many substances that weighed me down from the inside out. Although I was convinced it was my "nerve tonic" (just like cigs, weed, caffeine, food, etc.) enabling me to be social and such, not realizing how incredibly unhealthy it was in the long run.
I was raised to look down upon myself, never question authority, and never had a good role model to demonstrate what healthy self love and relationships looked like. I, too, wished to end my existence and my deep ongoing suffering more often than not. I became almost fully bed ridden at the age of 43, prior to making drastic lifestyle changes that helped turn things around.
I don't remember an exact moment each thing changed (other than a trip to the ER a little over two years ago almost requiring surgery that prompted many of my new trains of thought), but I do remember reaching a point of having everything recognizable as a functioning point for me come crashing down, some subtly, some abruptly, forcing me to do a total script flip from what I thought I HAD to do to please familial and societal obligations.
Prior to having it all crash down around me, I had stayed way too busy in my roles as f/t (and then some) employee in the mental health arena, f/t step-mom to two teens, f/t advocate for doing the right thing as I was holding my place of employment accountable for unethical happenings towards clients and staff, p/t college student attempting to get a degree to be viewed as worthy enough in the workplace, and trying to be the good wife, sister, aunt, daughter, etc. in taking care of everyone else but self to even notice how badly things were falling apart. Receiving piss poor "health care" (both physical and mental) at the time which only served to complicate things, not help, other than to make note of who I clearly did not want to seek out for help ever again.
Learning to rephrase my self-talk, learning how to breathe deeply on purpose, and learning more about mindful consumption and movement were the most helpful of all. As already mentioned above, if I wouldn't say something I was saying to myself to a loved one, why the hell was I allowing myself to keep saying it to myself? Our cells are listening and they don't forget a damn thing. Learning more about what my body actually recognizes and healthily processes was a game changer, too. Learning of the ongoing energetic connections to my daily choices, including my thoughts, provided much insight as well.
Pema Chodron was suggested above and is a great source for me, too. She helped me big time. Especially the audio book versions I could listen to while driving or doing other tasks. She also has videos on you tube. She helped me realize in a very kind, often gently humorous, and very sensible manner just how harmful our thoughts can be. Teal Swan is another I enjoy listening to, and Mooji, and David Ji, just to name a few who stick out in my mind as those who left a lasting positive impact on my heart.
The bottom line ended up being that I had to learn how to be the love I never received from others if I ever wished to receive it. That involved a whole lot of unlearning, totally changing my environment, being open to receiving help from places other than where I'd been programmed to seek, and being okay with feeling vulnerable (again, mentioned above with Brene Brown - another effective speaker that greatly helped me).
Even a loving, kind, supportive, and caring husband couldn't supply all of the love I'd been denied, nor should he be expected to. We often mistakenly feel the love of one can easily replace the lost love of others, but not so much when it comes to self love, and rarely can we fully rely on anything external but for so long. We have to dig deep within to find our own best methods of building up our foundations to support or deflect what comes our way.
Many of us never even had a chance for a solid foundation based on the big ass uneven bricks being thrown at us by those meant to help lay our foundations in the first place. There's nothing easy or instant about any of it that I've experienced. Wishing you much strength, support, and forward gentle momentum in finding your best healing grooves that help foster and maintain a healthy inner self-love space.
