How Did You Meet Your Closest Friends?

[Gadgie]

I haven't got any friends at all, but after reading this thread I've realised that the only way I'm ever going to, is to get out there and join things.

That's easier said then done, as I don't fit in with this community very well, and my reputation has took a knock due to ugly rumours spread about me, by my late wife's family, supposed to have abused my late wife, totally unfounded?

So, my choices are rather limited, my sister is always at me to go to library's and social centres, I know she is right, but I'm scared to try.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm wondering, @lostforgottensoul - you are one of the most active posters here, even in the social forum. Maybe if you pinpoint what it is that lets you feel comfortable here, you will be able to isolate what makes it so completely different for you to interact in the 3-D world.

Your therapists suggestion of going and sitting in a public place, where people sit and do things - even if it's not with a laptop, just with a book, or coloring book - it's helpful simply to acclimate to being around others.

Thinking about opportunities you have because of your dog is another great way to go. Maybe a meet-up group at a dog park, or joining an obedience class.

I have the easiest time of it in structured environments - check out whether there are any drawing classes, or a knitting/crocheting class (it's always ok to be a beginner), a computer-building course...often these things are offered through a parks dept or township, and aren't expensive.

Classes are nice because everyone is already there for a purpose, and the purpose is a shared one: to learn or practice a skill while in the company of others, with a leader.

That last sentence also describes most good (functional, best practice) group therapy settings - they aren't for individual processing, they are for skill development and socialization. So you could talk with your therapist about options, there.

In my experience, developing a close friendship takes years. Instead of focusing on finding close friends, focus on starting some social habits, and interacting with people outside of work.

You won't like some people; you might like others - either way, you are practicing being engaged and rewarded for yourself, no matter what you are doing.

And eventually, you realize you've known someone for a year socially, and maybe you've even hung out with them once or twice outside of class (or whatever).

My therapist calls it 'practicing being by myself in public'. It really does work.

 

[Deleted member 34535]

Joey, that's great advice. Advice I can surely take advantage of myself. Thank you very much.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It takes me at least a year to get to know someone, for any possible trust to happen with me. I also think it takes years to have good close friends. I have two, one I met at a craft fair, my booth was next to him and we have known each other for at least twenty five years now. He is really seriously sick so we pretty much are phone conversations now, yet he has always been there for me.

Another close friend was a real estate agent I met that tried to sell our mountain cabin and it took at least three years to become as close as we are and we are always making arrangements to get together.

There is one neighbor in my apartment complex that I am slowly getting to know and just play it by ear. Too soon to tell. Of course I have peer phone relationships on top of that. I know that I need to socialize more, but at this time I am really trying to find a job for myself.

I have a very easy time chit chatting with strangers wherever I go and so things go pretty easy for me when I go to a store or whatever. If I become a regular, than that increases my circle of acquaintences. Hope that this helps.

Having a lot of common ground is what really helps me because then we have tons of things to talk about that are for the most part positive.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm wondering, @lostforgottensoul - you are one of the most active posters here, even in the social forum. Maybe if you pinpoint what it is that lets you feel comfortable here, you will be able to isolate what makes it so completely different for you to interact in the 3-D world.

Text, I think. I get super uncomfortable and quiet in person, and fearful to the point of trembling depending on the situation.

At work there are endless people that say hey to me by name and i have no idea who they are.

I think im as active here because its my only interaction with people outside of my dad & step mom's drama and they are almost suface interaction, like not about reality, they ignore that anything happened in my past (at least my dad does) and that I have issues. Its like the thing they know about but never talk about.

Your therapists suggestion of going and sitting in a public place, where people sit and do things - even if it's not with a laptop, just with a book, or coloring book - it's helpful simply to acclimate to being around others.

Basically. It seems so stupid to say but it is reality, I have no clue how to be around others without being, i dont know the words for it, feeling like someone is squeezing my insides, feels tight and rigid and each move calculated and planned. Its weird how my brain is always moving, around people its finding every single exit route and "escape plans" which change so its always doing it; like if this one does that or that one does this then this is what i will do to get away from it. I dont know what it feels like to relax around people and not do that and I did buy 2 adult coloring books today, they're thick so they'll last for a while. I would of bought more but all of the remainder were very spitual ones.

Would it look stupid, an adult sitting in a place coloring in a coloring book? Its not a crayons thing, its a colored pencil thing. I used to draw people while sitting in places but i cant seem to do that right now. Not sure if i could concentrate enough to read a book. I mean maybe though.

any drawing classes, or a knitting/crocheting class (it's always ok to be a beginner), a computer-building course...often these things are offered through a parks dept or township, and aren't expensive.

Yeah, I thought of the art class as most are keeping to themselves so it might be easier to start there.

The hardest part is getting myself to go. My stomach is already in knots just thinking about it.

The dog park thing my therapist has been trying to get me to go for a long time (and my dog needs it anyway), and I always really mean to but that day I back out. Usually its pain but i go to work, pain is worse with low activity and i already get that but its easy to say that i hurt, dont feel good, cant wake up, usually all at once, so im not going out today Its like my body doesnt like me or something.

I have a very easy time chit chatting with strangers wherever I go and so things go pretty easy for me when I go to a store or whatever. If I become a regular, than that increases my circle of acquaintences.

What, do you think, makes chit chat easy for you? You may not know and thats ok, just thought id ask if you did.

My dad is the same way, he never meets a stranger. Talks to everyone like he has known them for years. I think its a skill he learned over his life of face to face insurence selling as thats what he did before he retired. Sort of like a car sellsman. Ive done sales and good at it but it was always over the phone.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

What, do you think, makes chit chat easy for you? You may not know and thats ok, just thought id ask if you did.

I used to do this before I was diagnosed and thought that ability was gone forever, my husband died three years ago and being on my own and having to start over and rebuild a single life kind of helped me to regain my lost confidence in myself and I owe a great deal to my oldest granddaughter who does this naturally so she modeled it for me.

But after I was diagnosed with PTSD, sadly even people asking me how I was would just piss me off and I struggled for so many years of my wasted years where I was stuck in victim thinking.

Being on my own, things are different now, I really cannot explain it but I say hi to all kinds of strangers, even a smile sent their way usually brings them to a smile but not always. I guess mostly it is trial and error. I hope that this helps.

 

[joeylittle]

Would it look stupid, an adult sitting in a place coloring in a coloring book?

Not at all. Just make sure you buy a cup of coffee or tea or whatever, and go for it. I promise, you'll get less nervous the more you do it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I promise, you'll get less nervous the more you do it.

I know. Ugh, its that first push. Theres a Penera Bread right down the road, i mean like down this small road i live in and across the street, like a 1 min drive if the light is red. I just have to go that first time. Seems to be inpossible to get myself to go that first time.

Being on my own, things are different now, I really cannot explain it but I say hi to all kinds of strangers, even a smile sent their way usually brings them to a smile but not always. I guess mostly it is trial and error. I hope that this helps.

Maybe loosing your husband and the diffence of the lives? Ive been alone my whole adult life. This living with my dad crap started after my accident in Kansas. He came up and got me cause i couldnt work or walk. Now that needs have change he wont move. I told my therapist today that he's like latched on to me and there doesnt seem like a nice way to get him to move but anyway, thats another story.

Im used to being alone but im not sure why im having such a hard time now. I made it 1600 miles away from any family, knew my neighbors, had some friends at work...but my past was supressed. I wouldnt say im in victim mode. Its more like crazy mode. Ive never had this many issues before. Bringing it out has caused a shit ton of fears that i never had before and my brain has always been always calculating things but it hasnt always been finding every possible exit strategy known to man.

Before therapy Id say most of my thoughts were calculating other things, like I dont know, bills, money, how many trees am I driving by, cars on the road, certian colors in something. How many light tones i see on faces or shadows. Shapes. Different things. It sounds like a math person's brain and I hate math and instead im an artist. You'd think an artist would be way more relaxed. I do see the world differently than most. Give me a few pieces of "junk" and I can make it look like a work of art. I see the beauty in a weed, a leaf on the ground, its why my therapist wanted to get me in a park.

Post therapy my brain is endlessly caluclating possible bad things that can happen and what i will do. Its like its an endless non-stop state of massive worry...and i cant seem to stop it. Its also why i lost my art. Ive tried and tried and tried to draw and i cant. Pre-therapy i could draw anything; today i cant seem to draw the simpliest of things.

I still see beauty everywhere but i just cant stop my head. I used to be able to focus it, today i cant.

I dont know, im not fully understanding what has changed but i do know i could do this before therpy and today cant seem to. Its a huge terror from the pit of my stomach that i never had, fully anyway, before.

 

[joeylittle]

Hey, why not go to panera tomorrow and let your dog do some more crate time w/o you home? Two birds, one stone. :tup:

 

[Naoru]

My "closest" friends all came from the military; however, most of my friendships are fairly one-sided with me being there for them and never allowing them inside of my walls. Most of my friendships cover quite a physical distance as well, which is how I tend to prefer it.

For day to day social interaction, I force myself to do as others have suggested by doing solo activities in the midst of people when I can tolerate it (take the dogs to the park, read a book at the park or poolside, toy with photography, etc). You'd be surprised at how many other people are doing the same as you and how many might strike up a conversation. The great part is, you have the freedom to walk away and leave if it becomes too much! My therapist just reminds me to keep a positive mantra in my head, take breaks, and challenge negative thoughts that pop up. Someone said this in another thread and it's something my T says over and over again as well: it's not my business what others think of me. Helps me push through sometimes! (of course, this might be easier when I'm surrounded by people speaking a different language :p)

Taking action and making the first step is challenging, but you might find it's not so bad once you get out there and work through the anxiety. Heading over to Panera with a notebook, laptop, or adult coloring book sounds perfect! Baby steps! :)

 

[ladee]

I never meet a stranger. So maybe I can shed a little light on what I do... Not saying I don't have social anxiety, it's just that people fascinate me... people are usually willing to talk about themselves. Say if you got to Panera and just observe people. I love to 'people watch'. I smile a lot, make myself approachable. Maybe compliment them on something... the book they are reading, the blouse they have on, their shoes.... what woman doesn't want to talk about shoes !!!! Just keep it simple... they may only answer you and that is that... but it's practice. If you take your coloring book, you will get involved in what you are doing, and someone may come up and tell you how pretty it is,or where did you get the book, ect... even if you are anxious, just answer the questions... keep smiling if you can.. if you aren't about to burst into flames at that point, possibly ask them if they color. Then possibly a little chit chat starts....
If you can take your coloring book to Panera, color a little then look up... keep doing that.. if someone smiles at you, smile back, or if someone looks at you, just smile...then look back at your coloring book. you can practice that until you get more comfortable...It does get easier .... someone like me would see you coloring and make a comment... if I picked up you were really anxious, but not necessarily antisocial, I would make a comment like, well, good talking with you...hope to see more of your artwork. Don't know if sharing from the other side of this helps or even makes sense. Hope it helps tho....

 

[Mit]

Lost. You are a great communicator, insightful too. There are folk out there whose lives would be enriched by your friendship.

I met my "longest serving" friend whilst at school. Our shared love of the outdoors, climbing, caving, took us around the world together. We've known each other for 40 years.

Other people I considered close, we met as parents often do, through our own kids friendships and school.

Five years ago my 'issues' resulted in the loss of those friendships. I was and still am devastated.

My oldest friend wasn't part of that group and didn't hear the rumours about me. But my loss of confidence, self esteem, on going hostility from some people around me means I isolate from all remaining friends and avoid social contact where ever I can. Part of the reason I know is the belief that I must be a bad person, and the fear that new friends might here rumours about me. I don't want to risk losing friends again, risk abandonment. Being adopted later in life hasn't helped I guess.

But you were an innocent, a victim of abuse. You deserve to have great friends and to be happy. I hope you can make use of @joeylittle great insights. I'm sure you can.