Trauma Diary: How Did You Decide?

[katz]

I was reading thru this thread, because I had a minute and started thinking about my own diary. I have a journal that I have been keeping for over 30 years. Some times it is months between writings. I have always thought of my journal as a "place to put thoughts". I feel like it is a place to get rid of thoughts that bother me. It also, when I go back and read, a place to leave messages to myself to read later.

I have gone back many times and re-read entries that I wrote about how "well" I was doing. I have found some that encourage me to continue and to believe in myself. Some that are filled with hate and also bring tears to me, still today. I also find things that I had forgotten--again. Every time I re-read these notes, it helps me to process and understand myself more.

But, one thing that really caught my attention about this thread is that it "appears" that everyone (I'm generalizing) is very worried about someone reading their diary. Enough that they don't even want to write one.

I guess I'm very different, because I "want" people to read my diary. After I have died from old age, I see my family going thru my house, as we have had to do with my parents house. I hope that my writings help to explain why I "was" the way I was. It's almost like an opportunity to "tell my secrets" once and for all. I have always felt that I will be remembered as the "my old crazy Aunt" by my family members.

I tried to "tell" before and ...it did not go well. I was blamed again for what had happened and for "creating" the lies. That's why I hope that they read it. Maybe, just maybe, they will finally believe that it happened.

I'll also admit, on the other hand, that for me to write out "exactly" what happened--with all the gory details, does scare me. But, not for them, if they read it after I'm gone--but for me trying to write it now.
(sorry for such a long note)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

very worried about someone reading their diary.

Personally, I am today because my family has found me online (an online diary) and printed everything. Also did the same with Facebook messages I was sending to my pastor cousin-in-law (cousin by marriage). I had trusted him and told him a lot. Passed them around (so they know way more then I wanted them to), ganged up on me to then emotional distoryed me. They would send nasty-grams, tell me that I am criminal for "lying about my mom & step dad" and went to the police for slander (which went no where). They keep their children away from me (2nd nieces and nephews I will never meet), bash the f*ck out of me, harass me, found out whom all my Drs were & called them to lie about abusing pain pills (which I have never done). HIPPA means the Dr cant tell them anything but it doesn't say the Dr can't listen to them. That includes my therapist. Spread other lies such as I am psychotic, using the forced killing of animals as proof and filed a police report on me. Called places of work and did get me fired once.

The police reports went no where.

Basically, they make my life hell. So I have a diary but it not being searchable by search engines is very important to me (in Trauma Diaries Members) and for the longest time was terrified to state what State I live in, in fear of this again but finally advised what state I live in when the Pulse shooting in Orlando happened as I was freaked and needed support.

But that is my reasoning. Sorry if I went on a tagent. My family makes my life hell and so them not finding me here is so very important! This is the only place I can be fully honest and not have bad things happen.

I also take comfort in what I write here is copywritten by myptsd and against the law (I think) to print anything from anywhere on here except your own for personal things (like showing to a therapist). It is against the rules to tell anyone anything said in private here and that is something that helps me out a lot!

 

[EmmaOwl]

So, I have been reluctant to start a trauma diary. I already feel like I share and reveal a go...

I'm waiting to make sure I've got a subtly clever subject line to start out with. :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm waiting

Sometimes the "perfect" subject line just comes to you out of the blue. Thise are normally the best ones. Mine did anyway from a post. A story that fit me so well and just the two words fit me and my struggles so well. If I were to encapsulate my trauma, and the struggle healing from my trauma, into two words, Upside Down would describe them both perfectly

It was a story someone shared in a post right before I started it and it was so perfect that i'd be a sin to not use it.

Let it just come to you and usually it happens in an unsuspectung time as well. At least for me.

 

[katz]

Personally, I am today because my family has found me online (an online diary) and printed ev...

(( hugs )) to you for what you suffered.

 

[EmmaOwl]

it "appears" that everyone (I'm generalizing) is very worried about someone reading their diary. Enough that they don't even want to write one.

Aside from any joking, this is not the cause of my hesitation - I see you mention generalizing, but I still wanted to respond with a separate but real concern that I have about starting a diary. I haven't thoroughly read all 40+ messages in this thread, so forgive me if I am posting something that has already been said.

I have gone back many times and re-read entries ... some that encourage me to continue and to believe in myself. Some that are filled with hate and also bring tears to me, still today. I also find things that I had forgotten--again. Every time I re-read these notes, it helps me to process and understand myself more.

@katz, these are excellent points, but in my case this kind of thing has hurt me more than helped me.

I have a collection of what I always called "notebooks" (as a jaded, world-weary teenager, I wasn't gonna write in something called a *diary*. No. lol what a goofball.) Anyway. I filled multiple notebooks, and I threw many of them out, which is a shame but I also think it helped me to do that - rid myself of some of the most haunting things.

But the notebooks that still exist are currently in my therapist's possession. While it was sometimes interesting, for the reasons you mention - one of the most interesting parts is finding forgotten thoughts or memories - at this point, looking back, seeing what I've written... it brings me nothing but misery. I hope to get back to them when I want to work one something specific from those times, or if I am ever able to handle them without breaking down. At this point, I prefer not to have something in my possession to wallow in.

THAT, more than anonymity, is what makes me hesitate on the idea of an online diary. Will I go back and obsess and torture myself about what I have written? Also, mine has been a case where handwritten documents have lasted longer than anything I've had up in email or online, or even what is now old-fashioned storage (remember floppy discs? I've got a pile but no way to read them). The internet is actually not *always* forever.

Everyone has to make their own decisions on the specifics. Perhaps I would use the space to write comments that belong nowhere else on this site. There's also the emphasis on the word "trauma" that holds me back. Do I have enough to post that would qualify as traumatic? If I truly wanted to work on REAL trauma, it would likely be on paper and with my therapist - not online. I would then be able to put them far enough away so I could not pick those pages up when feeling most desperate.

So how traumatizing must a trauma diary be? Again I'm sorry if I'm repeating any earlier posts.

 

[EmmaOwl]

Aside from any joking, this is not the cause of my hesitation - I see you mention generalizing, but I...

There's also, you know, some over-thinking involved! ;)

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

There's also the emphasis on the word "trauma" that holds me back. Do I have enough to post that would qualify as traumatic? If I truly wanted to work on REAL trauma, it would likely be on paper and with my therapist - not online. I would then be able to put them far enough away so I could not pick those pages up when feeling most desperate.

So how traumatizing must a trauma diary be?

Allie, my dear, whatever you have gone through, the worst that you have gone through, is the worst trauma for you. It is "enough." YOU are "enough." You do belong here, just like all of us. And I am thinking of starting one, but calling it a "healing journal" or "recovery journal." Somehow, the word "diary" trips me up, lol! It's meant to be a tool for healing, not for retraumatizing.

 

[EmmaOwl]

Allie, my dear, whatever you have gone through, the worst that you have gone through, is the w...

Lola, thank you for your kind words.

 

[katz]

Personally, I am today because my family has found me online (an online diary) and printed ev...

I'm so sorry that you went thru all this (( hugs)) to you.
I also have a pastor in the family. Husband of my 2nd cousin. I have thought of trying to talk to him. But, I am so worried that he will "leak" any out. I also "told" once--it went like yours-badly.

I also have a sister with two daughters. I have no relationship with any of them. I see them on holidays and I just make small talk. (How are you? How's school?, ect.)

I know that I will never have a relationship with them. I think that my sister has kept them away from me. Maybe they will be the ones that have to go thru my things some day....to explain their 'crazy aunt".

I wonder if we're distant relatives? LOL

 

[katz]

Aside from any joking, this is not the cause of my hesitation - I see you mention generalizing, but I...

I can certainly understand what you mean about the rereading causing you more problems then helping you. I will also add to my previous note that I have gone "sometimes years" between rereading any of my writings.

From the "grown up" view. I have been amazed how different the handwritings are. I can see that some are an adult writing and some are very clearly wrote by a child. Some of these writings have helped me to believe myself that these terrible things really happened. I am constantly doubting myself.

When I first started remembering. I was always writing down any notes or thoughts and dreams that I had. I would write down proof that I found for each memory of what I thought had happened. These "proofs" are what some times keep me going. They stop me from blaming myself and they prove to me that all this is not my fault. I can remember to put the blame where it belongs, instead of thinking that I'm crazy and have made all this up.

 

[aut555]

It's a personal decision. I have been surrounded by people that seem to prey on any weakness, so l walk with my secrets but l can't have the privilege of a diary until my ex has moved on physically, figuratively, mentally then l can be free.