How Did You Meet Your Closest Friends?

[Truthful_Whispers]

I don't have any close friends. It is very difficult for me to have trust in another human being. I had a best friend years ago, but he perished when a drunk driver hit him head on. From that point on, my "close friends", so to speak, were always in relationships with women. But..those strings of pearls turned to piles of sh*t eventually, despite my best efforts. Sooooo...there I am..

 

[lostforgottensoul]

why not go to panera tomorrow and let your dog do some more crate time w/o you home?

I wish i would have read this earlier.... God I hate my body, seems to be working against me or something. Like the day you need to get out of the house is the day you feel like the most shit. Was going to go to the grocery store and well thats out too.

Ugh! Excuses, excuses. Frustrated that i feel like im not pushing myself hard enough....

Is it like working up to it? Like am i needing to make it a less big deal?

Oh god, tomorrow is going to be rough leaving the dog in the crate for 10 hrs...after i leave i wont have a choice. Just fearing he will go in there and need a bath when i get home. Anyway, wrong thread, sorry..

it's not my business what others think of me.

What other people think of me is none of my business. That was me, my therapist wrote it on the backside of his business card early in therapy about my family and i put it on my fridge. It is a very good quote to try to live by.

You'd be surprised at how many other people are doing the same as you and how many might strike up a conversation.

Probably but im like an old car, cant get started for some reason. I know it will be easier the more i do it but how did you get yourself to go orginally? Did you have issues of feeling about as bad as one does with the flu the day of? Whats up with that?

What I could do is there is a McDonalds inside of walmart that i go to every Thursday after therapy. Right now, I dont have to be home to give my step mom meds so i can go sit there a while before i shop and read or something. Maybe it will get easier to go and not have so much charge on it?

I love to 'people watch'.

My therapist says that too.

what woman doesn't want to talk about shoes !!!!

Me lol. I have a black pair that i always wear and a white/light blue pair. I grew up a tomboy so thats my excuse. My dad does that though, he walks up to anyone and just starts to ask questions (some pretty personal). I never got how he could do that.

And im about as non-approchable as I get. I look at the ground and reek "get away from me" and when i force myself not to it looks very forced. Have no clue how to relax a bit with people. Maybe the more i do it? Like the more i get used to going around people the more relaxed i'll be?

if you aren't about to burst into flames at that point,

Haha, sounds like me...

Don't know if sharing from the other side of this helps or even makes sense. Hope it helps tho....

It does. Thats why i posted, to sort of 'learn the art of the other side' if you will. It helps! :hug:

But you were an innocent, a victim of abuse. You deserve to have great friends and to be happy.

So do you! :hug:

It is very difficult for me to have trust in another human being.

Me too!

I had a best friend years ago, but he perished when a drunk driver hit him head on.

Im so sorry to hear that! :hug:

 

[ladee]

I just want to gently remind you, there will be no perfect time.. I understand you wanting to build up to it.. How did you apply for the job you have? You got the job, so you have some social skills...
Are you really wanting to make friends or feel this is something that is expected of you? The reason I ask, is when it's something we truly want, we figure out a way, hold our breath and jump in... tiny bity baby steps... if someone else is putting the pressure on.. sometimes it just isn't the right time for me...
And may I , also gently, ask why now, with everything else going on?
You may just have to start with the fear of being in open public first.... practice that until it starts to feel more comfortable...
If it is something you are wanting to do, then take it in steps.. doesn't mean you have to go to Panera and talk to everyone in the room... if I was there I would !!! :rolleyes:, And I am not like your dad... I do not ask personal questions... I did ask a lady where she was from.... because of her beautiful accent... but that to me is not necessarily personal...
While you are out.. just observe how others greet each other. Just observe. This also helps to get your eyes off the ground.. I know this is hard... but something you apparently want... so give yourself time.. look how long it took you to get to where having a friend or acquaintances was even something you thought about... Give yourself time...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Are you really wanting to make friends or feel this is something that is expected of you?

No, I def want friends. Its sort of something I really want but am nost terrified of at the same time.

How did you apply for the job you have? You got the job, so you have some social skills...

Ah, Its not fully the same thing. I get why you are asking and yes I can apply and interview for a job but I compartmentalize automatically at work and while applying/interviewing. I dont, cant seem to outside of work and usually therapy. At work im fully numb, or mostly, as soon as i get outside of the building its like i cant breathe and am in terror of being mugged or something in the parkinglot (that i think because it dark).

I wish I could be that way all of the time. Would make this so much easier. Or at least control it.

why now, with everything else going on?

Homework at therapy. Was talking about if my dad & step mom leave, move away, I have no one here. No acquaintances, no one to call if something happens, completely alone. So he's trying to get me to get used to people a bit. Not something thats to be rushed. Not even something to bring up to my dad & step mom. Just something i need to do. Its that first jump that im finding hard.

Certianly if it were like needing a job id just do it but it isnt. I can make excuses to myself and plan to go next week and so on. Ive got to just do it.

I suppose right now, as im trying to get my dog ok in a crate (barking like he's being hurt and its breaking my heart) but i took a fan, some cold water, and my adult coloring book out on the porch. Not the same but people are everywhere here. I dont really sit out here unless someone is with me so its certianly different. I thought if i wasnt going to go anywhere that this would be the next best thing.

I know i just need to do it. I think its easier to back down and be mad at myself than to hold my breathe and be terrified for hours.

 

[ladee]

But you made a step. You sat on the porch by yourself. A beginning, baby steps... you'll get there... Today the porch, later on, the stars !!! Good on you....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You sat on the porch by yourself.

Oh god, that sounds so pitful. Its sad that I dont know how to do this. Ugh!

But yes, a step. I suppose its a step, getting used to being around people but inside of a "safe zone".

I suppose i could start going back outside on breaks and stop doing what im not supposed to anyway. A nicotine vaporizer is just water vapor but looks like smoke so the company wants you to go outside. That would stop my accidently blows above my desk and fanning my hands real fast to disapate it or whatever lol. And it would help get me around people. I met most of the co-workers i know out there.

 

[ladee]

Guess it depends on how you look at it... you saw it as pitiful, I saw it as determination and progress.

 

[Naoru]

Ha! I didn't realize it was you who had posted that quote about what others think of us! Sorry about that! I've found it so helpful.

As for getting myself to make the first step and feeling like I have the flu the day of - I push through it. I find little ways to force myself out of bed (or wherever) and then I tell myself, "well I'm up already for this, so I might as well do that" and keep repeating until I'm out of the door or where I had planned on going. If I'm already out for another reason, I tell myself, "well I'm already out for this, so I might as well try to do that" and keep repeating until I've satisfied whatever step I'm trying to make (large or small). If I'm already at the Walmart, maybe I'll go ahead and sit at the McDonald's for a bit and people watch rather than ducking my head and racing home. I remind myself that I'm physically exhausted, sick, in pain, etc due to the anxiety/depression and not because I'm actually ill. Eventually the "flu" goes away. (mental distraction works wonders for me in this case, like loud music I can sing to or TV or even talking it out with my dog lol)

It sucks, but as my therapist reminds me - have self-compassion and recognize my accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem.

Granted, these things don't always work and they may not work for anyone else, but I try to remind myself of the good days or the baby steps I've made when I can't seem to make it out at all.

I agree with @ladee. Sitting outside by yourself was determination and progress, not pitiful. If you need to, keep doing the same thing a few times and maybe take it a step further at some point (maybe smile or wave at someone who passes by or take a walk to the nearest park with your coloring book). There are no rules and "just because you're struggling, doesn't mean you're failing (or pitiful)." ;)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

depends on how you look at it

True...

Ha! I didn't realize it was you who had posted that quote about what others think of us! Sorry about that! I've found it so helpful.

No need to be sorry, im glad it was of help to you; so much so that you remembered it. ;)

"well I'm up already for this, so I might as well do that"

That does work. I push myself to work 5 days a week, im exhausted by the time my off days come and push myself once more for therapy and crash the next day. I hate that feeling. Doing anything before work is so hard and now all my Drs have to be before work due to forced Mon - Fri shifts and well f*ck! This all so sucks!

I do need to stop whinning and start pushing. Stop the damn excuses and just push!

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I wish i would have read this earlier.... God I hate my body, seems to be working against me...

It showed the wrong quote. :confused: But, thanks for the condolences about my best friend dying.

 

[Nevermore]

My close friends, which are only a few, have been long time in the making. I met two in a shared household, on i worked with, one from childhood.
That's my people that I truly do trust.
In my life, friendships havd come along similarly to relationships - unexpected - and developed over time (or not)
I don't see much of anyone any more but these few I am always happy to see.
I reckon just live your life, do things you love to do and you'll meet likeminded people. Over time those people can bebecome trusted confidantes.
But I must say it takes me a long long time to feel truly relaxed with another / snd I mean a year or two! Sometimes longer! But the ones I'm close to are the same - probably all introverts by nature
I think it's that combination of likemindedness and time...
They're out there! Hope you find them soon! You're very relatable. It wouldn't be hard to attract people, but the right ones - that can take a bit more time!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I reckon just live your life, do things you love to do and you'll meet likeminded people. Over time those people can bebecome trusted confidantes.

Thats the biggest thing. Do what I love. I just realized that stopped after my accident and I isolated, I never redefined what i love with what i can physically do. I was out of work for 2 years not able to do much and just never came out of isolation after i strated to work again.

I went into therapy towards the end of the 2 years and things opened and gapped and i just never went back out. I used to be very active and i guess i went into self loathing that i couldnt anymore and with my past coming back out it was easier to and just never redefined it.

People still terrify me but I just didnt realize thats when it started. Sort of accident/chronic pain met therapy/end of my denial at the same time and they both were a part of this self isolation but its easier to see how and why i isolated and why im having more issues now then I used to. Hopefully that will lead me to a how to get back out there.