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How Did You Sleep Last Night?

I have been off all my meds since I'm trying to breastfeed, plus I can't really take my clonidine or xanax when I have to get up every couple hours with a newborn. This has left me open to the kind of nightmares I haven't had in a LONG time.

[POSSIBLE TRIGGERS AHEAD]
A few nights ago... I can't remember all the details, but I remember a man- some sort of solider- being hit in the neck with a dart. I was observing him, and yet I felt his fear. He knew the dart was some sort of instant death sentence. I watched his last moments as the fear and helplessness swept over his face and he started to whimper and cry like a little boy. Then he died horribly...

I woke up feeling like I was him. Feeling the intense fear and helplessness he had felt at the end. It was awful and felt panicked and insane.

And last night I dreamed I lived on a beautiful island. My boyfriend and I lived in a old temple and we had servants and all sorts of fanciness. Then I looked out to see and saw a huge tsnuami wave hurdling towards us. We knew it would destroy the whole island. So I had to save everyone, I ran out to the beach and was trying to time it so my boyfriend and I would get caught in the arch so we could breathe for longer. I remember it hitting us and we swirled and swirled in the water. I was trying desperately to figure out which way I was pointing so I could try and swim to the surface before we drown. When I washed up on shore it looked like everyone was dead except me.

When I woke up I just laid in bed trying to figure out what I should have done. :(
 
I am not sleeping well. Not going to sleep well. Not waking up well either. I had been doing so well for awhile. So I am looking forward to getting back to that sleeping well.
 
Had my recurring work dream last night - semi nightmarish.

Dreamed I was placed as a third on a truck and the two people I was with kept telling me I shouldn't be back at work - they then abandoned me at a gas station as they raced off to a call. I was upset, couldn't get hold of a supervisor, began to panic and then wedged myself against a sign crying hysterically and screaming as a crowd gathered. I could hear them saying "She's the paramedic with PTSD" as they stared and pointed at me.

I hate these dreams. Have I not grieved this career enough?
 

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