General How Do I Protect Him?

[Purplemunchkin]

Me upset = major hubby stressor.

I can usually keep it together around him, although there have been a couple of occasions when we've both ended up in a state. We get into a Catch 22 whereby me being emotional stresses him greatly and his behaviour makes me more upset, which makes him worse, and so on.

The obvious answer to me is space, but he has abandonment issues so I'm limited as to how much space I can get without going too far. Luckily we have recently moved to a bigger house so it is easier.

My problem is that my Mum (whom I love greatly) has been taken into hospital in a 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst' situation.

Hubby wants to be there for me, but even with me trying not to get upset, downplaying, making jokes, he is already showing signs of struggling.

If the worst happens I will fall apart and I won't be able to shield him from that.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can prepare for/manage a worst case scenario?

Thanks x

 

[shimmerz]

First of all, I want to express my sorrow for your situation. Potentially losing a loved one is so gut wrenching. I looked at your profile and am assuming that you are a supporter, so will post from that perspective. I hope I am not off the mark on that one.

It is lovely that you are thinking ahead. As a sufferer, I think I would say that I would want a 'heads up', that you are having perhaps your own emotional melt down (as would be normal in your situation). That it may possibly be worse if the worst happens. That you are doing your best but need to be 'in yourself' for a bit. Address the abandonment issue and maybe (if you can) call it something else, like 'my own personal melt down'. That way your sufferer can relate to what you are feeling (quite well I would imagine) and can perhaps reframe it as something other than abandonment. It may sound silly, but sometimes using different words can help a sufferer break a learned response to a tolerable degree.

Also, if you can tell him what he might be able to expect (the good, not the bad), such as 'even if I am in bad shape, I will always make time to do 'insert good thing here'.

Just shooting from the hip here. Feel free to ignore if this doesn't call to you. Best of wishes sent your way. :hug:

 

[Justmehere]

If the worst thing that could happen is your mother passes away, connecting to a hospice counselor now might be a good idea. It might help both of you feel more resourced to handle whatever comes. You can also give your husband a list of what he can do if the worst happens - which may include calling the hospice counselor or etc. You could also ask him what would help him if you do fall apart. You can 'protect' him by encouraging he find outside support and even therapy for himself too.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If the worst happens I will fall apart and I won't be able to shield him from that.

Sometimes you get to be the one who falls apart. You are allowed your normal, healthy emotions, whether he can handle them or not.

You may have to have a very frank conversation with him. Tell him that you are going to break down and be very emotional for awhile. It has nothing to do with him or your relationship. This is one time where it is all about you and your family. You need his support and understanding. If he cannot handle the situation, he may have to remove himself if he starts reacting badly as to not stress you out more. You offer him that same courtesy with no questions asked as a PTSD supporter, he should be able to do the same for you as your partner.

It may also be good to look for support from other friends and family if he cannot power through it.

:hug: If you accept them. So sorry for your mom's downturn in health.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am very sorry too for your mum & yourself dear @Purplemunchkin . :(

As a sufferer I have to say a somewhat diplomatic version of he must grow up. You are the one in need, & his needs have to take second place. Not just in terms of you not being able to care for his needs, but also that he should care for yours, no matter if your breaking down is frightening for him. Just me, but if it was my spouse or loved one the only thing that would be more frightening is not being aware of what you need or what's going on for yourself.

Ptsd is (at least for now) daily & forever, it will unfortunately be there with or without any other crisis or not. It is already awful that we (sufferers) can oftentimes not support or help as we should. But being allowed to try will help us be better at it too.

Please take care of yourself.

 

[still_i_rise]

I just wanna give you a big virtual (((((HUG)))).