How Do You Determine What You Deserve?

[lostforgottensoul]

So someone asked me how did I know I deserved something, or how do I know i dont deserve something today and I am tumbling that around and around and around and all I get is the same blanketed answer.

So Im possing this question as just a general question. How do YOU determine what you do or dont deserve or how do YOU determine what you did or didnt deserve?

Im hoping to take in replies and tumble that and maybe I can see it in another light besides the regular blanketed answer.

 

[Stickler]

Pardon if this is a bit rambly.

...I deserve what helps me to be the most optimally-functioning person I can be? Because then I can help myself and help others best.
I can contribute to the world more.

So...honesty, respect, love, boundaries ( around the other person )...That last because I DO need boundaries too. I need to be told off sometimes.

I don't necessarily DESERVE help, but I really appreciate it when I get it.

I don't benefit from being pitied, I benefit from being told " I believe in you, you can do this."

Edited to add...why do I deserve the above?
I decided it's what I deserve, because it's logical.

...We as adults decide what we deserve.

Our boundaries are actually already there, I was told?
We can feel it when someone crosses a boundary. It feels very wrong.
It's up to us to tell them off...and to get away from them if they keep crossing that boundary.
...Our own self-respect is compromised if we let people keep crossing our boundaries.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Someone on the other site (yep posted it to both hoping to combined a ton of things together in the jumbled mess i call my brain) posted this which very VERY much suprised me that I only give myself two of these.

"Hmmm. That's tricky....
There's a good bill of rights which was written up for survivors of domestic abuse
And I adapted that to work with children
So it's maybe helpful to have a list of rights, that hopefully you can agree every human should be entitled to (though sadly these rights are Often denied or compromised).
Then, accept that you are a human being with the same rights as anyone else, therefore you deserve the things on this list, at the very least.

Some of them are:

You have the right to be you
You have the right to put yourself equal with others
You have the right to be safe
You have the right to love and be loved
You have the right to be treated with respect
You have the right to be human,- not perfect
You have the right to be angry and protest if you are treated unfairly or abusively
You have the right to your own privacy
You have the right to your own opinions, to espress them, and to be taken seriously
You have the right to earn and control your own money
You have the right to ask questions about anything that affects your life
You have the right to make decisions that affect you
You have the right to grow and change, -and change your mind
You have the right to say no
You have the right to make mistakes
You have the right not to be responsible for other adults' problems
You have the right not to be liked by everyone

Hope his is helpful for you!"

Thats so good that im wondering if it should go in its own thread.

Here was my reply:

"WOW! I dont give myself ANY of that besides
You have the right to earn and control your own money and sometimes
You have the right to make decisions that affect you but thats it. Wow, my internal OMG is like going off. I have the right to ALL of that? Really? Have no clue how to claim that for me though. Im not like everyone else, i define myself as "other". My therapist asks me if that makes me alien? Haha!"

Intresting though huh? Maybe I should print that and put it on my fridge. Maybe seeing it every day will help? I dunno...

 

[Friday]

Whether or not I've earned it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Whether or not I've earned it.

Earned how tho? Like if you deserve bad then does that mean you did something bad to deserve it? What says you "earned" anything good? See, im tossing it getting no where. I do like the other reply that i posted but i still cant put myself in that catigory with everyone else.

 

[scout86]

I try to stay away from that question. LOL

There are some things pretty much no one deserves. There just are.

But, the way I see life, what people "deserve" doesn't have a lot of importance in a lot of situations. Bad people live, good people die, kids get born into bad homes, through no fault of their own.... None of that is about "deserving". If I make a mistake, I "deserve" there to be consequences. If I do something right, I guess I deserve there to be appropriate consequences for that too. At least that seems fair to me. But when the consequences come, they might seem too trivial or maybe totally out of proportion bad. And what I think doesn't really change anything and it just doesn't seem like it matters much.

 

[Ronin]

If I earned it or if it's a thing one isn't supposed to earn, because it's something basic in the humane societies.

As to hurt coming? I'm slowly learning I don't deserve it, as there are better ways to get the point across. Know that one when it comes to children. Don't know that in regards to me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

There are some things pretty much no one deserves. There just are.

Well it came about more because i keep saying "i dont deserve to be ok"..."i deserve to be punished"..."i dont deserve to be cared about" and so he said this:

"Actually, I care about you because I care about you and I don't give two chits if you "deserve" it or not. I am kind of interested in how you tell if you deserve something. I know you mentioned earlier having blood on your hands, and now I'm interested in how you tell if thathas anything to do with what you deserve or not. And before I forget -- I think you mentioned a few times, having felt aroused while you were being abused. For you, does that have something to do with what you deserve or not? To me there's no connection, the only important thing is that you lived to tell about it; so if you see a connection, I'd like to hear more about it."

And the only answer I could give was a blanketed one...because they said so. I also send another second one about 'enjoying' some of it and even seeking out some of it but im trying to figure out how to change my thinking around. Im not sure if i can get myself in the "like everyone else" catigory yet but im frustrated that i cant answer this besides 'they said so' and 'i enjoyed it' as to why i dont deserve anything good and deserve everything bad.

 

[Ronin]

'i enjoyed it'

You didn't. Your physical reactions & survival instinct overtaking, turning suffering into a storm of feelings, some of which may have been good or simply less awful than what was happening, doesn't mean you enjoyed it. It means only your body was a smart aleck and kept you alive, doing whatever with what you had to keep you going. It has nothing to do with enjoyment.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It has nothing to do with enjoyment.

But seeking? Like i can go with like physical human body stuff but seeking it? I can even go with at 12 thinking i was in love with my step dad but after a while i asked for things (and today do things until recent) that make me sick...thats what i cant wrap my head around.

That and having thousands of animal's blood on my hands. Like people get locked up for that and im here, free...why?

Just how my brain justifies maybe that i deserve all bad and nothing good? I dont know

 

[Stickler]

...Deserving is an odd concept...

I guess defining what you deserve is good in that it defines what's bad when someone's doing it to you?
But the thing is... you need no reason at all to just walk right out of someone's life.
If you feel the need to? You go.

It may be rather douchey of you to do it. But if you want to or need to? You just walk.
If you have children you DO owe them something.
Other adults? No, not really.
That's harsh.
But you are under no obligation to stay and deal with any adult.
Especially if that person's threatening your survival.
You have every right to act to protect yourself.

So shoveling someone else's horseshit when there isn't a pony in it for you? This makes no sense. If a person is not worth the work it takes to deal with them, and they won't fix the problem or even work on it?
Why should guilt cause you to stay?

Not saying you shouldn't arrange for that person to have a stable situation before you walk...PROVIDED YOU CAN.
...Sometimes dropping people on their ass actually helps them, too.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im so not trying to argue with anyone...its the ramblings in my brain...ignore my brain...