How Do You Find The Words For Difficult Topics?

[rainy_daze]

That all makes sense :tup:. Painful is a good word. Ouch, basically :rolleyes::)/:banghead::speechless:.

Maybe it doesn't matter why it's helpful @Junebug. Acknowledging it can lead to dealing with it all [in amongst the other stress life throws at us now and then]. Sometimes avoidance is fine too IMHO. It's a way to cope. As time goes on, however, I'm realising just how many people in my life feel pain. None of us are different in that way I guess. Maybe people just manage theirs differently?

My childhood and adolescence were painful, and a lot of those feelings stuck around. I think admitting it all to myself is half the battle, the other half is accepting it and trying to manage it.

:hug:s back :happy:. Those Big Steps *cheers* :D.

 

[Tanishq]

Dear Junebug,

For right now I will say this: You are beautiful which is why you can explore beautiful and gentle thoughts.

I will post more later. It's been a while we haven't discussed this. Meanwhile let me know how are you doing? How is it going for you?

Hope you are well there. :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Tanishq you are always so kind & diplomatic to me & everyone here, thank you. :hug:

I should only wish I were as gentle or 'benign' as you see me. :hug:

 

[Tanishq]

Dear @Junebug I have made some progress. I can read 3 posts of any thread without getting triggered. I can respond little bit more clear now. I can think clear now. Thanks for teaching me this. I learned this from your threads. Thanks for making threads here.

You are in my thought my friend.

I am reading your one thread, to me it seems you have always words to speak. It seems you wonder for some space? Did I get you right? When you talk with people, do you feel you have enough space or freedom? This might be making hard for you to find words you want to speak. You are freedom lover, that I get it properly.

Sending gentle hugs to you. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you always @Tanishq . :hug: And I know this stuff is hard to read. I appreciate it/ YOU. :hug: :inlove:

 

[Tinyflame]

Well I have found that apparently I've gotten it quite wrong. I think I read all info/ posts as potentially applicable (in a negative way) to how I am. :( I think much depends on how others are, too though.

Also, I don't consider (for myself) things as bad unless they are the worst (through life). I mean, for me to call it 'abuse' it's got to be the worst, rape is just that but anything else is nothing, etc. Yikes, does that make sense? Well, I guess same difference as per my self concept or thoughts, hard to imagine not being a burden. Or for people to not find it so, even if maybe someone else does?

I think though, it's time for me to (hopefully) grow up & just use what is comfortable for me (eg compassion) to see things from other's perspective/ their needs & just not listen to the toxic self-critic. Mind you, being 'relaxed' doesn't happen easily for me.

Hugs to all, :hug: . PS, does the 'home page' or new posts work for others? I get an 'upgrading' message?

 

[rainy_daze]

I am not sure what you mean by the first part.

Not considering things as being bad for you, is this not minimising your experience of abuse and/or the impact it has had on you? [Maybe a thread on what exactly abuse is would be helpful to start? I bet you'd find it is a an "umbrella" term for many forms of abuse. I would start a discussion, but my head and heart is already screaming at me not to, so maybe another time. If you do start a thread though, please let me know]

I hope the negative/toxic self-critic in you can be challenged. Compassion for yourself and others = good plan. I have seen you have compassion for others, you deserve that for you too.

What does being a burden look like to you? Can you think of all the ways to the contrary that you are not a burden? IMHO, I do not see you as a burden, but I have seen myself as one, especially in my darkest/most depressed times. Maybe this is a similar thing for you? i.e. the negative self-critic talk.

Also, the burden idea... I'm beginning to realise just how much people in life need to talk about their problems. Why should any of us feel bad if we reach out to someone else for a little support with our own feelings? Just a thought I had there, I don't know if it is along the right lines for what you are talking about Junebug.

^ Correct me if I'm wrong about any of this obviously :rolleyes:. I haven't read all your threads, and I don't know exactly what you're going through at the moment.

I don't think being relaxed happens easily for many of us on the forum @Junebug :hug:. It takes practice ;). Ms Spock said something to me along the lines of we slip and slide but we get there in the end. I think this is good to remember. Sometimes we go backwards to start going forwards again, I think.

just use what is comfortable for me

^ This :tup:. When you find what works, it is important to utilise it.

The Home Page works fine for me. Maybe it was just upgrading, like you said?

 

[Tinyflame]

I am not sure what you mean by the first part.

What does being a burden look like to you? Can you think of all the ways to the contrary that you are not a burden? IMHO, I do not see you as a burden, but I have seen myself as one, especially in my darkest/most depressed times. Maybe this is a similar thing for you? i.e. the negative self-critic talk.

Also, the burden idea... I'm beginning to realise just how much people in life need to talk about their problems. Why should any of us feel bad if we reach out to someone else for a little support with our own feelings? Just a thought I had there, I don't know if it is along the right lines for what you are talking about Junebug.

Hi @rainy_daze ! :hug: :hug:

I guess even when I 'thought' I was communicating & understanding I wasn't? I draw seemingly clear (to myself) but different-from-others conclusions. I guess I can't readily even imagine anything but negative consequences/ scenarios.

Yes, that is a good question. On the one hand it comes from being told others would be better off if you (I) were dead. On the other hand maybe it comes from not contributing or being a negative. Yes, & the depressive stuff, even if I hide it. I feel at best, very expendable, very easily (& better) replaced. At worst, very toxic. Like a guy I saw today picking up broken glass "so no one would get hurt". I feel like broken glass.

Yes I feel that way about asking for help or revealing stuff. I know so many of us do. I just mean I REALLY REALLY do- so much so it's really difficult to do it, or feel somehow 'ok' about it.

Oh ya, no, I know, about the definitions of abuse & such. I've learned a lot.. technically I never considered anything but the 'worst' as 'qualifying'. For example, abuse did not include verbal, threats are (were) not violence, violence had gradients (if not serious injury or fatal not 'injury'). I recall reading years ago about sexual assault, well by their definitions I've had that hundreds of times. Even 'attempted' rape, well, if it ultimately was only attempted I figured it was nothing. Etc. Oddly enough, I was thinking the other day of this guy when I was about 10 who had grabbed me & was trying to kiss me & throw me on the bed, I didn't really get what he was trying to do, except that I though what would he want with a kid. I had a Joe Cool Snoopy sweatshirt, he was an adult? Or, for example, my sister said "no one can get raped without a gun to their head". I don't agree with that but I guess all of it contributes to the overall feelings/ lack of self-worth/ self-regard/ self-criticism.

Similarly (in my mind) I either am a huge burden, or not. Not just black-&-white thinking, but a life-long way of defining things like that- worst-case scenario = traumatic, anything survived was 'not' (even if it felt pretty darn terrifying or devastating). Or thoughts that revealing stuff would cause other people trauma.

I don't know much but I can see some of 'what' I do or how I am is like my abused dog was, according to them she was so shut down she appeared normal. (She didn't act aggressive or even terrified (more inclined to avoidance), & she would never have retaliated to more abuse). So much is ingrained almost. It's really difficult to go out on a limb & view one's self differently. It's hard to have self-compassion when it doesn't seem justifying compassion.

However, as opposed to just being stuck in it I think it's healthier for me to not dig in to it all. And to concentrate on how 'normal' ( people without ptsd) relate to the world. I guess because with ptsd we have always had to try to manage it & the stressors of life, it is kind of foreign to imagine just managing stressors- that is to gain some perspective or belief that things can be not the worst, or even ok.

And I guess it helps to communicate in person. Well, if it's safe enough. It's not possible to do that if you leave though, either.

Yikes, I hope this makes sense! I love your rainbow @rainy_daze ! :) :inlove: I hope you are feelng ok. :hug:

(PS, I still have no home, forum, or new posts pages, lol. )

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

There are moments @rainy_daze where I don't know exactly 'why' I feel toxic, which is progress I suppose.

By 'relaxing' of course there is the obvious, or relaxing from fear of symptoms, +/or relaxing from the hypervigilance. I suppose I feel I will be toxic & not realize it (do damage), or fall apart, or something bad will happen.

By 'growing up' I mean the relief of not concerning myself the same about it, or being able to see through others eyes/ feelings/ needs.

And accepting I can't have everything. For example, since smoking is grounding, & I'd rather smoke than eat, accept that I'll have to find other ways to ground, even if consciously/ subconsciously it's probably partly why I smoke (grounding & bad for my health). Ignoring the absence of that if I don't smoke might make it easier than acknowledging 'how I feel'. I guess that's trust.

Also, like @Tanishq said, sometimes I feel like a horse ready to bolt, over the fence & out the pasture. It's difficult to channel that in to something constructive. The less I focus on assessing myself without feedback the less I feel that way. Because if I read too much of how deleterious it is I think I guess that's "me"- or maybe will be me at some point?

:hug:

 

[rainy_daze]

:hug:s and :)s. The rainbow is to keep me hopeful.

So much is ingrained almost

My therapist said once that childhood trauma was "hard-wired". I almost lost all hope, until she said that didn't mean giving up. It was explaining how my reactions to things happening in life were because of the early experiences. This doesn't mean I give up on trying to get through life [and even try to enjoy it :O_o:]. Giving up is easier than trying. I bet you know this already Junebug.

And to concentrate on how 'normal' ( people without ptsd) relate to the world

What is doing that achieving for you? What does life being ok look like to you? I hope the questions are fine, they come from a place of wanting to help, and are easily ignored if unhelpful :rolleyes:.

Feeling like you might hurt others if you talk about how you feel, feeling like you may be a a burden or are like "broken glass"; all of that makes sense to me. I am not you, but I know how it feels to think and feel these things. You are not alone :hug:. ^ These thoughts though, come from that hard-wired, unhappy place. If you have been told those things, by others or by yourself, then you will start to believe them, even when they are wrong. I want to suggest you try to challenge this thinking, but I am aware you want to focus less on assessing yourself.

I think it is wise you can see how things, like what your sister said, can feed into lack of self-worth.

I am struggling for words Junebug, but I do hear you. More :hug:s.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @rainy_daze :hug: . And I never view questions or input as being harmful or leading to unbalancing me, especially when given with such love & respect & good intentions. :inlove: (I should only wish I were always able to be as kind & diplomatic. :notworthy: :) )

I guess life being ok would involve less literal experiences of fear & uncertainty, & less subjective experiencing of such fear, much of which is affected by the past.

Well I guess it's impossible with intrusive thoughts, or stress/insomnia, nightmares, throw in an occasional flashback or rather frequent emotional flashbacks, etc, to avoid facing it. I just mean I can't seem to come up always with the correct or healthiest new conclusions with my own thoughts about all these kinds of things. Or rather, I can come up with ways or recognize (at least eventually) how to try to manage them, but I wish sometimes I could just 'ask' questions relevant to me/ my past from people who are healthy/ do not have ptsd, to see if the conclusions or thoughts I have are correct.

But I also find that if I listen I sometimes hear things that either address some of those, or just give a new perspective. Like I heard it's easy (such as here) to isolate. Which I would think the forum is the opposite of isolating, but I understand. It's also anonymous, invisible, & easier to give one's self permission to disappear.

Have you had any success challenging those feelings @rainy_daze ? What has helped for you?

Also, I think it's hard if current fears exist, to face past stuff. Especially feeling alone in it; that is both a reminder or trigger or repeat, & also just un-nerving or potentially somewhat de-stabilizing.

I think 'physical' things help. Like as per my sister's comment, on the one hand I simply didn't agree, & thought of though all the 'freeze' instances, which makes me feel it (that) is my fault. Or times when physically fighting back no-holds-barred would have caused physical (financial) damage I couldn't afford, etc. Plus threats etc. But the biggest difference in my belief came from one time being picked up, my physical size was the detriment & not changeable, only so much you can do there. That is not my fault, just a fact.

And, like someone said on that 'hug' thread, about hugs helping. Well once (physically) a person squeezed me tight and wouldn't let go after sorrow, that was almost like not letting me blow apart (shatter outwardly). Once it was after disclosure & with shame, that was hard because of the extreme self-hatred/toxicity feeling (imploding inwardly). But in the long run both helped though I would have not expected nor accepted either left to my own thoughts.

And 'better' to me is being able to not be sucked in to the vortex of the past/ fear. Like friday, in less than 5 minutes I looked up & saw the coolest 'square' of a piece of rainbow ( :) ), I looked down & found a funny face temporary tattoo the wind blew. Within 5 minutes they were gone. Had I not 'looked' & seen I would have missed it. Then I found a dime (I always used to tell people if a penny is good luck you will have 10 times that today. :) ).

I guess I want to 'get over it' (& likely then I have to do more processing) but also I wish could feel that semi-confidence that things will be ok. And also get better at (like the rainbow) being 'here' (present) to the good things around/ life. I want to be happy. I want to be able to live with a certain degree of peace & feelings of safety, & feelings that I can face what the present & future holds. And to be able to live without fear or reserve towards others who have been abusive, & not resent or fear or have to numb out.

(((((((((Dear Rainy_daze :inlove: ))))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

And I would like to not be the type of person who needs 'assurance' to do small things.

For example, yesterday for church they have a book you put names in of people who've died, that they say special/ extra prayers for in November. Now one part of me knows totally 'facts', & it's just what it is. Another part blocks it out & says just do it. But the part that 'feels', well if I start feeling/ thinking then I can't do it. Plus other thoughts, or reminders follow (after). It's like I have 2 gauges: feeling too much, or 'the weather report' (numbness). I did do it, but it was nearly impossible to remember the names, even family names. I remembered about 1/4. I tried. I guess it is a bit like exposure therapy. But what makes me angry, is that it is for 'them', but because of 'me' I had a hard time/ blocked it out.

Like that & something else reminded me; when my mom had cancer I told her if we could I'd give her my hair (-> wig). She said, "would you do that for me honey?" (she was happy). Even then I thought, of course I would, I'd give my life if I could, let alone my hair. (Of course I didn't say it. :( ) I couldn't understand why she wouldn't have known that. Maybe she didn't feel loved? :( I don't 'blame' her of course for her reaction, I blame myself if she didn't know that.

Also, just as there is a 'hierarchy of needs' I think there is a hierarchy of traumas when several traumatic things occur at once. And traumatic events sometimes have parts that are traumatic in different ways, secondary, other traumatic parts. You end up dealing with managing the worst that's occurring, I think, the others fall down the hierarchy & get pushed aside or ignored. So trying to look back on them, to even acknowledge them let alone give them any weight, or look in terms of them being 'traumatic' (or deserving of self-compassion), is difficult.