How Do You Find The Words For Difficult Topics?

[Tinyflame]

Dear @rainy_daze , I came back to add something a bit more positive (especially since I know you struggle with this stuff too).

I was thinking, as I said above (re: my mom), what I did think/ would think after remembering that is I felt down, & ashamed, & perhaps a bit hopeless (since I think I am the same person I was, still too not the greatest communicator, & so current/ future relationships may be doomed to the same). Also I thought, what else is there to do but accept that was the facts? I can't go back in time & change it.

But late today I thought, well my mom was 'herself', & perhaps had her own fears, definitely her own thoughts, (and also) she was very very ill at the time. So it doesn't help to subscribe 'thoughts' to her (by extrapolation) that may not have been what she thought or meant, because I'm pretty sure she knew I would have done anything & truly would have rathered it was me ill instead of her.

That is what I mean by my own thoughts being troublesome, more than thinking loops I don't see other ways to explain it that have 'factual basis' ('proof'). However, letting it go (in those circumstances) is more helpful.

Similarly, a show on tv last night reminded me of particular abusive (past circumstances)- one reminder triggered another then another (like going from 'A' to 'Z'). That left me as the end result revisiting how I feel somewhat reserved or guarded with the person now (there has not been the same type of abuse). All of the thoughts that (then) follow are self-blaming & pretty hopeless. Instead, it came to me- well it's just better than it was before. Period. And to not hate the person but try harder to help heal the wound that causes the behaviour (if that makes sense).

And to be positive in the present. I was told I was less toxic than I thought ( :wideeyed: ). I no longer throw up constantly under stress. (Yay :tup: ). My nightmares are usually a sign things are downhill (just accept it instead of denying it, to myself). Two places I actually relax because it's hard to stay awake! :) I think those are progress (-sometimes it feels like there's a bit of sunlight through the trees. I think of rainbows like that :) ). Maybe I do need extra assurance or reassurance, but I'm still trying. And to be honest gentleness of others is a stress-reducer for me. I don't do or feel well around anger or violence or non-gentle people/ environments.

I think that type of 'way' I do better because it reduces stress, whereas trying to knock some courage in to myself & 'pretend' or tell myself I'm capable actually makes things worse. Accepting with humility I'm not as capable as I would hope to be helps me do better. Not so much 'ignoring' or denying working on myself but not trying to look for answers within my own mindset (which frankly I think is limited).

And, come to think of it, things my mind blocks out & I've remembered & such, have come to me when I'm happier or more relaxed/ calm. Maybe a moment with the same feeling (eg horror), but not the same environment or feeling of only horror. Then only the present horror or fear or such is the only thing I can feel.

It's almost like needing to put a little distance between myself & the traumas/events to actually have the nerve to look at them. (From what I understand, the opposite of EMDR. Rather thinking of other things/ feeling de-pressured, in order to be able to face past stuff from a different angle.)

((((((((((((((((( Dear Rainy_daze )))))))))))))) :hug: :)

 

[rainy_daze]

@Junebug it is late here, but I will come back to this thread to answer when I can, I have lots to say :rolleyes::laugh:. I would like to respond properly, and I will :brb:.

And to be positive in the present. I was told I was less toxic than I thought

I no longer throw up constantly under stress

(just accept it instead of denying it,

Two places I actually relax because it's hard to stay awake! :) I think those are progress

Maybe I do need extra assurance or reassurance, but I'm still trying. And to be honest gentleness of others is a stress-reducer for me

^ So much progress there :inlove::tup:. Congratulate yourself on this please, because they are all amazing things. *Cheers for Junebug* [and for gentleness!] :hug::).

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @rainy_daze , & cheers for you too! :inlove: :) I suppose they really are. Whether others would see them as such or not. I know for me they are, so I am trying to remember that & be grateful for that & to rejoice in that.

Desperately attempting to stay grounded at the moment (fear), as interaction with family member possibly on the brink of violently boiling over. Have been blamed for 8/9 years ago, but they are feeling it as though today. Used difficult words of 'am not going to be a scapegoat', some hard discussion. Rather frightened though knowing how it can unfold (has in the past), seeing the warning signs. :(

Thank you dear @rainy_daze .

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[rainy_daze]

I told her if we could I'd give her my hair (-> wig). She said, "would you do that for me honey?" (she was happy). Even then I thought, of course I would, I'd give my life if I could, let alone my hair. (Of course I didn't say it

I'm pretty sure she knew I would have done anything & truly would have rathered it was me ill instead of her

I hope this makes sense: You are a kind* and loving person, and I do not think you always need to say those feelings aloud, as I think people in your life would know that. Sometimes the deepest love is the hardest to articulate, and I think not saying it entirely verbally, it does not matter, as the person receiving would know how much you love them. I think you are right, your mother would have known this Junebug. :hug::hug::hug:.

*I do not think people can be kind always, and this is okay. Really, I am not kind always, just sometimes, but I do think it is a trait I have. I believe it is in your nature too, from knowing you on here. The kindness to others in your posts shines through. It is admirable. I sometimes think the kindest people can also be the most sensitive, but the world needs people like us :tup:, even if others may think we're soft and squishy :).

Also, reassurance is something I think it is fine to need. Maybe you will not always feel that way. You are on the healing path, it is clear to see. A little cheering on now and again seems more than appropriate.

As I am having so many thoughts about your posts I will wait until my brain clears, otherwise I may end up writing you a short novel :laugh:.

@Junebug I hope that the situation does not boil over for you, but if it does, utilise the grounding skills and self care. I am proud you are sticking up for yourself and refusing to be a scapegoat for someone in your family to throw their anger at you/the past. I understand why being around the blame game is so difficult and the fear that it will happen [as it is a pattern with family member] is ramping up the adrenaline and fear for you. The only small positive I can think is, as you have experienced it before, you know what to expect, and can find a way to prepare for the fallout.

Assertiveness is so hard, and being blamed for things from so long ago is :cry::eek::(:depressed:.

Healing vibes to you. [Remember, self care, self care, self care for if the situation goes the predicted way :hug:]

 

[Tinyflame]

@Junebug I hope that the situation does not boil over, but t if it does, utilise the grounding skills and self care.. the fear that it will happen .. is ramping up the adrenaline and fear for you. The only small positive I can think is, as you have experienced it before, you know what to expect, and can find a way to prepare for the fallout.

Dear @rainy_, everything you said has made me feel so much better. Thank you so much! And it helps me to understand that I don't feel capable of dealing with the fallout, which is a large part of the fear itself.

I am trying to remember both she & I are stressed & high-strung.

Soft & squishy, :laugh: . I like that- it's true! Hee. :hug:

You know RD, I thought 'deterioration' was the reason I became (& felt so) vulnerable, & raw & stripped & powerless & such. But maybe it just served to expose (or unearth?) 'me' under all the denial & efforts to 'be' what I expected myself to be. And yet in another important way it has served to show me that even when I can't help myself or others (beyond what I'm doing, & it regularly feels insufficient), that things can still be ok. It's almost a relief to say at some level I put myself in hands stronger or more capable than my own. I feel like I've run a marathon my whole life. :hungover:

Mind you, one can't let their guard down IRL unless it's safe. But then, how fortunate/ blessed I (we) are if we can.

I'm ok with 'soft & squishy'. :)

You are so very very very sweet dear @rainy_daze . :hug: :inlove: :hug:

Oh, PS, this is too funny. I got a laugh from Batman & Robin today. :D I'm glad it's Halloween, because weird as ptsd is I didn't think I lived in Gotham City. :wideeyed: :roflmao: (And OMG, it followed a clown (which I find unnerving at the best of times- ) & OMG, when I finally looked at 'his' ("it's"-?) face (at first I ddidn't even 'notice' it was a clown, lol, ) it had a horrific expression & mouth with 'blood' running down it's face, blech! Thank God for Batman & Robin :laugh: :tup: :tup: )

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[rainy_daze]

I'm glad you're feeling better. It's good you've realised where the fear is coming from so strongly.

things can still be ok

^ maybe they will still be fine regardless of how the future goes? I would give yourself credit for coping with life so far, even if it was running a marathon, with bouts of denial and lots of horrible stuff. You survived all of that. Things continue to be ok, right?

Also, I learned a long time ago there is no such thing as perfect, and setting those high standards of ourselves ends up hurting a great deal when it cannot be attained. I'm sure you help yourelf and others as much as you can, and no one can ask for anything more than that. The fact you help anyone at all, sets you apart from many people in the world :tup: [also, we cannot help people all the time - it's impossible :rolleyes:].

I value you and the help you've given me. Now, value yourself Junebug :hug::hug::hug:!

I am trying to remember both she & I are stressed & high-strung

I have a self-confessed volatile family member, who would not be happy if she knew I said this :laugh:. I see a lot of myself in her sometimes. I remind myself we have similar "flaws" or ways of coping in stressful situations. This can be helpful to diffuse situations/arguments. I still struggle around angry people, although I had good advice on here about reflective listening, which has helped a lot. Maybe reflective listen the hell out of the situation? Gosh, two stressed and highly strung people in the same room :nailbiting: you will get through it though Junebug. I think you may be surprised at how much you can cope with.

@Junebug :roflmao::inlove: I loved the Batman and Robin story :D. I am thankful I don't live in Gotham City too. I will keep this in mind :whistling::hilarious:. I've never understood the fear of clowns, I like them, minus the yucky sounding one you mentioned :laugh:.

 

[rainy_daze]

But maybe it just served to expose (or unearth?) 'me' under all the denial & efforts to 'be' what I expected myself to be

The pressure we can put on ourselves to be a certain way is no good. I hope you have found you in amongst it all; it sounds like you have, yay :tup: lots of progress and self-reflection :happy:.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @rainy_daze thank you. :hug: :hug: Yes, somewhat more comfortable in my own skin, or accepting. And feedback that some natural characteristics (eg gentleness) are not all bad or necessarily viewed as bad or weak by all others, or have to be hidden.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realized something today. It is not something I have (or 'need') words for, because I never told anyone in real life. I remember, re: SI, just ever-so-(the)-closest a day (final planning). Not sure if maybe it being overcast reminded me or what. I remember not being able to remember anything (even trying), feeling entirely emotionless really, quite 'calm' (is that the word?) I remember I heard 'words' at church, I remember I was in a back glassed in room with 2 or 3 other people, & I (silently) cried a lot, & shortly after outside I found a stone shaped like a little bird. I think I was wearing a rain coat with deep pockets, I think I reached in & there was a printed copy of a song's verses, I think that was then?

Anyway, I was trying to remember 'what' words I heard, to remember for 'all times', but I can't. Just that obviously I'm still 'here'. :wideeyed: But I can't 'help' anyone because I can't recall 'what' the words were. :wideeyed: .But because of 'now' it's not so much a 'bad' memory as kind of a 'positive' one (good thing?) :wideeyed: :) :notworthy:

Also it must be 'years', though it only feels like about 2 1/2? :wideeyed: Can't be though, because I haven't been there for years mostly (it was a hospital chapel).

So it's taken a lot longer/ a lot out of me. But I am miles-from-there at the same time. :tup: :wideeyed: It's kind of surreal, really.

I do realize, when 'stuff' (originally) occurred, I think it was the most devastating/ sorrowful. The most frightening was years later, principally 2005- 2007/ 08. Falling apart in 2008 was most dangerous, but I think it included processing, & Anthony said it's worse the second time than originally. So it was the most sorrowful/ frightening/ scary/ despairing/ destabilizing (time).

 

[Tinyflame]

Yay, I think I figured out something so BIG. Not all due to me but what came together.

PTSD is like a movie in the head, or worse, like 'Wi' (which I confess I don't play). Like an interactive (distorted, repeated) reality that isn't 'real', or isn't real in the same way anymore.

It's like I remember, when I was a kid, if you went in to the tv/ electronics department in a store, there were always multiple tv's on at once, for some reason on different channels, some on sports, some on news, a few on mindless talk shows. And all of their volumes were on. If something groundbreaking was on it caught everyone's attention. But inevitably I would just tune out some for others.

And yesterday at work, from about 15 feet away I heard my surname on the news (there is no one in my country with it that I knew of), & the tv volume was almost off. But it was relevant. Like ptsd-related triggers/ things frightening or relevant catch (our) attention.

I think ptsd is like that. I can just say now when I start to feel badly I am coming to think, "(Is this the) PTSD Bullsh*t?", instead of first thinking (trying to tell myself) "I am safe", etc. I do that second now, if I have to. I think that's progress. :)

And also, I think you don't always need words. I saw today photos of many Vets who died :( , & I would say 5 or so very possibly had ptsd. And one Vet in real life who I would not say has it but understood. I don't know 'why' exactly I can say that but I can.

Also they honored Vets who died after or came back broken/ affected.

And I thought of something else, I don't think everything needs many words, it just depends on which ones. And if there is understanding/ kindness, respect & care .And humility. :notworthy: :)

 

[Tinyflame]

And life is fragile. So are all the related parts like hearts, too.

 

[Tanishq]

I do not see you as a burden

Ditto Rainy daze. Junebug is not burden. Junebug is our dear friend forever. Such gentle presence of her. One day she will see this as we are seeing her right now. I believe in it and it will come.

:hug: to you both @rainy_daze & @Junebug

I am reading a post day for this thread. It is making progress and I shall read take it post by post. :)