I am getting closer to this now. Thank you for your input. It's such an OCD thinking loop that I get stuck in. I am trying to challenge it. It trips me up at times. I go around and around in my head. Then to get away from the thinking I shut down. That's not optimal.Self beating doesn't mean you're f*cked.
Prob'ly different book, but to me f*cked = irreparable damage was done or is about to be done.
Self beating ain't irreparable.
It's very very fixable. :)
I disassociated my abuse for 45 years, I always knew it happened but shoved it so far down that I very rarely thought about it. Starting 5 years ago when I had a mental collapse and began getting treatment and for the first time learning about CSA I began to understand that throughout my life many decision I made that I thought were all mine were in fact guided, influenced and controlled by the damage from my CSA.Can you please explain a bit more about this?