Relationship How Long Am I Supposed To Wait?

[alise06]

We've been broken up for two weeks, he all of a sudden got really distant and emotionally cut off. This has happened before, but I'm at the end of my rope dealing with this this time of the year, just about every year. How long am I supposed to expect this to last until the person I know comes back??? =( Or will he? He is getting VA help and he is on meds. I don't really know what set him off...

 

[amethist]

How long am I supposed to expect this to last until the person I know comes back???

Hi alise

I am sorry but no one can give you an answer to this, but maybe the questions you should be asking yourself is, "How long I am I prepared to wait, and how many times am I going to wait".

Sometimes just the stress of a relationship is enough to set them off, and maybe at the moment he just cannot cope with one.

Looking after yourself is important, doing your own thing is important, being able to cope on your own with out him is important. I am not saying your not doing any of these, but I do know how hard it is to be on your own when they isolate or take off.

 

[every1_needs_som1]

This may be sort of repeating what the last person said but you know the old adage... you have to take care of yourself before you can take of someone you love. The fact that you've stayed with him as long as you have and accept he is going through something is a testament to how much you care about him. It's also true that anyone with PTSD, no matter what causes it, can succumb to certain "triggers" for the rest of their life. It does get better though. I suffer from PTSD and there were years when I couldn't lay down to sleep and close my eyes without reliving, in vivid and completely lucid detail the experiences I went through. Over the years it faded so now, I can close my eyes and sleep and only wake myself up screaming a few times a year. My point is, with counseling and support from loved ones, it does get better, it just takes time. As the other person said though, you need to look after yourself first. Doing this is the only way you will be able to continue to be supportive of him regardless of what the future brings.

 

[kahlan]

Only you know your limits as to how much you can handle or if you're ready to let go. There's no hard rule of x amount of days/weeks unfortunately.

 

[alise06]

I am doing my best to care for myself and our daughter through all of this. If he told me that he was having a hard time, was feeling bad, and needed some time to himself to think and settle down, but would come talk to me when he was done instead of blaming me for everything in his life, I would be totally accepting of that. But treating me the way that he did, saying what he said, and just walking out on me is totally unacceptable and, to me, like a child throwing a tantrum. This is the last time that he gets to act this way. If/when this comes together again, he will need to find a better way of expressing himself to me and handling himself in general. Otherwise I will not be here again when he chills out enough to realize how much of a jerk he was.

 

[Badger]

Bravo, Alise, don't cave on your decision to hold his feet to the fire. I've learned PTSD is not some kind of Get Out of Jail free card. In other words it's not freedom from the consequences of being a jerk. He has an obligation to treat you decently and explain himself, and let you know that he will come back. To do anything less is emotional manipulation, totally disrespectful towards your relationship. and you should not allow yourself to be walked all over like that because it's bad for your self esteem. In otherwords if thats what he did, it implies more or less total disregard and maybe he is not ready to be in a relationship yet. Don't get me wrong, everybody makes mistakes in relationships. Arguing and yelling and even walking out temporarily to cool off can be expected. But love isn't a carpet you can yank out from under someones feet, and it's not something people should be able to just withdraw because they are angry, dissociative, whatever. They owe you reassurance and an explanation and some indication of their future intentions. Doing anything less is just plain mean. Don't tolerate that.