How Much Longer Can I Take This Torture?

[void]

I'm sorry about that, @void. :( Do you want to tell us what is going on?

I'm not...

Perhaps, but not in another user's thread. I don't want to hijack her thread.
Your concern is gratefully rec'd.:hug:

 

[Kailani]

All the support you should have and should have!!!! Soooooo sorry that evil happened to you!!!!!! Life can suck! Especially for vulnerable children in unhealthy and deranged one's care!!!! Mortified that that happened to you!!! Glad you are reaching out here and to a trained counselor. I have been there also with hating life like lots and lots and lots. Sometimes it's just too much. Maybe you could do one thing nice for yourself; a cup of your fav tea or something that you like cuz you deserve some care!!!!!

 

[Ironlady]

All the support you should have and should have!!!! Soooooo sorry that evil happened to you!!!!!! Life...

Sigh.. it's an absolutely dreadful feeling... so much of what I wrote I think It wasn't the real me that I was talking to and hating as much as the parts of them that are entangled in my own self that remain inside me. I like to think that perhaps the reason I have not tried to kill myself is that even if it's just a tiny sliver. That there is enough of a part of the true me left there. The real me that is fighting for me. I'm scared to live mainly because to have my own opinions and take action on my own desires would have been met with more murdering of the self from them. It terrifies me and then I feel hopeless because I freeze and feel like I just keep sliding backwards. And I think I know that to kill myself would only solidify the violence that was done and the cycle would continue... those states I get in are so scary.. and yet I think it speaks to acknowledge the psychological horror and neglect that I faced and the little one who hides in the shadows who is often too terrified to come out.

I want to thank you @Kailani and everyone else here for just being here for me.. not trying to fix anything. Just to be here and acknowledge.

Today I am doing just that. I slept in.. took a warm bath and am drinking a cup of tea as j speak. I saw T yesterday and will again tomorrow. I feel pretty sad but I do feel stronger than Monday. Thank you so much. :hug:

 

[Kailani]

You sound like you are doing everything you can and that's more than anyone could ask. If people only knew how hard it is there would be much more compassion in this world. So glad you did some self care! You deserve it!! I think when we take care of ourselves and do as good as possible it's punishment for our abusers. People here care about you and want the best for you and it's great you have a good therapist too. Hugs and good days ahead to you!

 

[Ironlady]

You sound like you are doing everything you can and that's more than anyone could ask. If people only...

Thank you so much for your kindness @Kailani <3

 

[aut555]

Those thoughts get stuck on repeat in our heads. Your (not) parents programmed you by repeating this constant messages of you aren't good enough, you aren't deserving, you aren't loved. What kind of loving caring parents would do that? I program my message to my daughter as you are deserving, you are special, you should love yourself. So somewhere your parents were told that themselves as children, and they chose not to break the cycle of pain and to create another generation of hurt. You almost have to reprogram your tape that runs in your head. You are worthy of love, you are important, and you do love yourself. You can write this down and put it on the wall to see everyday, or you can tattoo it on your arm. Somehow you need self-affirmation everyday so that becomes your message. Meditation everyday with this even. Send hugs if allowed and many many positive affirmations of the great person you truly are, and to heal, you must forgive your parents to let go of their power over your thought process.

 

[clouds]

I feel like this is a very good place to go and a brave thing to open up to people like this even if it's anonymously. the thing I always tell myself is you need to have faith thay everything will fall into place eventually and it will get you through the darkness. sounds like you've been through so much shit! have you tried doing something expressive in a positive way that is of course? I wish you all the best from my heart and stay strong lady x

 

[Joannee]

Thank you for sharing, a lot of us have read your message, desiring to hear and offer a few words of compassion. Is it ok to receive the hugs of strangers?
If anything, it shows that in a lot of us your pain resonate, even if no one will really know what you feel like and how they would have acted in your place. I just want to say well done for making it so far and for sharing your story with us. We can't always sublime our suffering in an art way but I do feel that every human being is at least allowed a voice.

Never feel that no one cares. You may feel terrible, but believe me, it might be a total stranger but there will always be someone to listen x

 

[Ironlady]

Thank you everyone for your kindness. I truly appreciate your words. I wish I could formulate a longer response but I'm struggling with words right now. Hugs and peace to you all.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I know the pain is profound. Rage and grief. No need for words. Just ... I could just sit here next to you in silence and solidarity.

 

[David McCormack]

I have been severely depressed for weeks now and it is getting worse. I feel ashamed for wanting to di...

I too have suffered severe depression and suicidal ideation for the past six months, the only thing that I can say is the committing suicide lets all the bad people who have done things to you and the bad things that happened to you, or the bad feelings of PTSD win. It's not much, and it might not help, but it has helped me in the past.

 

[Ironlady]

I know it would only solidify the violence and yes the monsters would win... I'm just tired. I feel like my whole life I've been trying to fight to stay alive.. I'm tired of fighting and I'm tired of just surviving. And the depression is making it very hard to feel hope for anything better. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I feel like I just can't take any more.