PreciousChild
Platinum Member
Hello. I don't usually post here, but would really appreciate some advice.
My ex and father of my son calls me all the time, dropping some bad news and problems expecting me to help him. I am so conflicted because I want to help him stabilize for the sake of my son, but at the same time I am full of rage because he often goes on gambling binges and will disappear from my son's life for days, weeks, months at a time, and he's spent all the child support gambling and can go months without giving me a dime. I am his only friend, basically, so he still calls.
I am a sufferer of developmental ptsd, and so is my ex, who is also a compulsive gambler. I've done a lot of work to get myself help, like go to therapy, read books on ptsd, meditate, etc. My ex does none of those and acts like he's given up. We divorced a decade ago because he was gambling away the mortgage. I left him when my son was less than 2. I was desperate and scared. Ten years later, my ex still wreaks havoc on my life. Since I need his financial help (I work full time and provide the lion's share of support for my son, but my son has special needs and requires therapies and services), and I want him to have a relationship with my son. So I do all sorts of things for my ex that I'm getting sick of and don't want to do anymore.
I've driven him to gambler's anonymous, searched for therapists, and given him resources. He says he wants the help but then does nothing to follow up. Last night, I spent half an hour on the phone on a tirade about how angry I am that he has all these problems that he's willing to do nothing about. My son couldn't hear the words, but heard me yell at his dad for half an hour. I'm feeling sick with guilt. I try not to become angry in front of my son.
At this point, my ex is the single most destabilizing and triggering figure in my life. I sacrificed my childhood to a narcissistic father who pretty much treated me like a slave, and would punish me severely for any hint of disobedience. I seem to be repeating that with my ex. I want to just walk away, but I still need his financial support and I want him to have a relationship with his son and they seem to have a cordial if not deep bond. My son does need his dad. In the past, his dad wasn't always around, which caused in my son depression. He's resolved that now, but every child needs a father.
I need to focus on myself. I never got remarried because I feel that I've been so busy trying to establish a stable job, take care of a special needs child, and struggling with a chaotic ex who doesn't even want to get better despite acknowledging he hates himself and life. My own ptsd obscures what exactly my role is in the situation. Thanks so much for any thoughts.
My ex and father of my son calls me all the time, dropping some bad news and problems expecting me to help him. I am so conflicted because I want to help him stabilize for the sake of my son, but at the same time I am full of rage because he often goes on gambling binges and will disappear from my son's life for days, weeks, months at a time, and he's spent all the child support gambling and can go months without giving me a dime. I am his only friend, basically, so he still calls.
I am a sufferer of developmental ptsd, and so is my ex, who is also a compulsive gambler. I've done a lot of work to get myself help, like go to therapy, read books on ptsd, meditate, etc. My ex does none of those and acts like he's given up. We divorced a decade ago because he was gambling away the mortgage. I left him when my son was less than 2. I was desperate and scared. Ten years later, my ex still wreaks havoc on my life. Since I need his financial help (I work full time and provide the lion's share of support for my son, but my son has special needs and requires therapies and services), and I want him to have a relationship with my son. So I do all sorts of things for my ex that I'm getting sick of and don't want to do anymore.
I've driven him to gambler's anonymous, searched for therapists, and given him resources. He says he wants the help but then does nothing to follow up. Last night, I spent half an hour on the phone on a tirade about how angry I am that he has all these problems that he's willing to do nothing about. My son couldn't hear the words, but heard me yell at his dad for half an hour. I'm feeling sick with guilt. I try not to become angry in front of my son.
At this point, my ex is the single most destabilizing and triggering figure in my life. I sacrificed my childhood to a narcissistic father who pretty much treated me like a slave, and would punish me severely for any hint of disobedience. I seem to be repeating that with my ex. I want to just walk away, but I still need his financial support and I want him to have a relationship with his son and they seem to have a cordial if not deep bond. My son does need his dad. In the past, his dad wasn't always around, which caused in my son depression. He's resolved that now, but every child needs a father.
I need to focus on myself. I never got remarried because I feel that I've been so busy trying to establish a stable job, take care of a special needs child, and struggling with a chaotic ex who doesn't even want to get better despite acknowledging he hates himself and life. My own ptsd obscures what exactly my role is in the situation. Thanks so much for any thoughts.
