Childhood How To Forgive The Child?

[Sideways]

Exercises that have helped you forgive your inner child. What works? I've done them, and they didn't work, and I've got Helplessness Brain going on, so please forgive me if I get a bit stubborn and defeatist at times.

But the 12 year old me. How do I stop hating her? I've read the theories about why I hate her: they make sense, they change SFA. I've got photos - when I look at them, I see a toxic little sl*t. And I hate her.

So other stuff. Stuff that helps me click that she really was just a kid doing her best and it's not her fault for being born and getting abused?

Do I have to forgive the 4 year old first? Is that the problem? Because I can't face the 4 year old. Not yet. And it's the 12 year old that I really hate with every inch of my being.

Open to suggestions, ideas, stating the bleeding obvious. Bring it.

FYI I'm not in the greatest headspace right now. Here in Aus we've just had Fathers Day and I'm starting to see the mammoth cost to myself of trying to sustain a relationship with my family despite what my dad did (that's the 4 year old). This shite I sent through as a rugrat looks like it could cost me my family (and I don't have much else left). Small side issue.

But like I said, it's the 12 year old (different abuser) I'm trying to work on and maybe that's avoidance and denial but it's the best I can do at the moment.

I just really want to start feeling unstuck. I want to stop using so much energy just hating myself. So, be brutal and gentle at the same time if it's at all possible...please:oops:

 

[chant2012]

You're not alone. I'm so sorry. I can relate to this so much. Feel like that too about different me's inside. I can SOOO much relate to this. Try to be easy on yourself. Maybe try doing mindfulness and self-love mantras. You don't even have to believe them. But eventually they start to click due to habit and then you begin to slowly believe them.

 

[shimmerz]

I gave my inner children something they valued, something that soothed them, and asked them to wait for me to catch up with them. I noticed that every time I attached to them I could feel their emotions strongly (anger, helplessness). So if I started to feel those emotions, I would picture the gift I gave to them, the spirit I gave it to them in, and again asked them to just hold on a while longer, that I would get to them, I just needed more time. And I meant it.

No idea if this makes any sense at all but for me it worked.

 

[Sideways]

@shimmerz - I totally hear you, and I know that my "ignore it and it will go away" strategy is probably contributing to me switching. Need to start communicating.

But I sit here and try and imagine myself doing something nice for her, even just a nice gesture, or even just a neutral gesture, and all I want to do is break out in a screaming match of blind rage at her. If I get her attention, I want to scream at her.

Screaming at her isn't likely to help. I shouldn't be screaming at a 12 year old. But who else do I scream at when she's the one that I hate? *sigh* Keep working at it Ragdoll...:blackeye:

 

[Ronin]

I went to a quest of 'Why I/we don't need forgiveness, as we were never to blame in the first place / why attributing blame in that way, for that event, in that scope, is not fitting the situations, and/or not useful for moving forwards'.

I usually tend to get back to that point of 'Moving forward'. As in I might still hate myself heckuva lot... but it's jack all good for living my life in the now, and even less useful for the future.

Which is where I task them.

Kiddos? You imagine the future you want to get, the gist of it, and let me work on the practical implementation. Jobs divided, course set, now move.

... or sit and mope some time longer, fiine, but at least talk to me, instead of sabotaging my life with Feels.

 

[shimmerz]

and all I want to do is break out in a screaming match of blind rage at her.

And I guess I would have to ask you, was she the 'hated one' in the family at the time? If so I suggest you are working with a program that may need to be deprogrammed. And the first step is always the hardest. After that, it becomes much easier.

All in good time Ragdoll. These things take time. I am still working with the 1 year old that was expected to die. I don't know how to deal with her yet, and I still work with those conflicted feelings. How does one life a decent life when one believes that they f*cked up when they didn't die? It's messy. All of it.

 

[scout86]

Do you know many 12 YO's? Do you actually know any who deserve the amount of hate you aim at the 12 YO you? What does a 12 YO have to do to earn that kind of unrelenting hate? How many 12 YO'S are a finished product who never deserve to be forgiven for anything? And then, what makes you so uniquely bad that you deserve less of a break than any other 12 YO? ("Yeah, but... " isn't an acceptable answer to any of those.)

 

[rosey]

@Ragdoll Circus. No words of wisdom from me really but i see where you are as a struggler with inner childwork myself.

I bypass it now and try not to time travel either backwards or forwards. I have to remind myself contantly that there is nothing actually wrong NOW. Now has become my buzz word. I am not in danger now. I dont need to run or fight anything now....... It helps to calm me and recognise when i am letting inner thoughts have too much control.

 

[Sandstone]

I'm not sure about forgiving, but I can address the hate a little bit. Instant, unthinking, prejudiced hatred usually seems to be based on fear, sometimes joined with ignorance. I hate my inner child because I fear her. Fear her neediness, emotions, demands, expectations of me. Asking me unreasonably for things I don't have and don't know how to give.

The only beginning of a step I can take towards her is to recognise that when my children were little, there were times if I was physically ill when I couldn't meet their needs, but that was OK. It was all right to ask them to make a sandwich for our dinner and sit in a heap with them on the sofa, and they could wait to have their needs met. Perhaps it is also OK for us to be where we are, while acknowledging that there will be more to come. There is a possibility we will feel different about them one day. One day your "slut" and my "selfish little cow" may become people who had a raw deal.

 

[scout86]

@Sandstone I'd like to suggest that when you credited your kids with being able to participate in the family by making sandwiches for dinner, or sat in a heap with them on the couch, you WERE meeting some important needs. The need to feel like they belonged someplace and were important enough to spend time with.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I also hate my "inner child" thus hate myself as at the end of my poem was "don't you see? Loving you means I must love me."

It was suggested to me, before that poem, that I just talk to her. So I did, in the form of a poem and I said, basically, that I didnt know how to love her.

Here it is in case you havent read it:

Dear Little Me

Try to just write to "her". Dont try to love "her" yet. Just try to talk to "her". Does that make sense?

 

[Sideways]

Okay, so this is obviously a big deal for me because my head's spinning and part of me wants to scream and throw the phone at the wall (Don't do that Ragdoll, it would be expensive) and part of me wants to curl up in a ball and just cry.

It's making me wonder if I just hate me. Or maybe both of us. And it's highlighted (thanks @Cashew - your post came way out of left field!) that actually I haven't committed to a future for myself yet which is a problem. And I'm going in circles, so I'm gonna take a breath and come back to it. Probably several times...

I do know a 12 year old. And I avoid him and his mum like the plague these days because it hurts too much. Can't (can't can't can't) see my kiddo as innocent, but when I look at him? Urgh...