Childhood How To Forgive The Child?

[claroscuro]

I used to hate my younger self so much, and felt such shame over allowing the abuse to happen. And then I felt guilt for having CPTSD even though I allowed those things to happen. I couldn't understand why I didn't realize what was happening to me at the time. It didn't matter that I was still experiencing some of those abuses regularly, understood the mechanics involved and still felt powerless to stop it.

It's hard looking back to those things from an adult perspective. It's hard to relate to that child who endured those things.

Adding emotional exploration to memory work helped me to better understand 6-13yo me. I started to really see the effects of the emotional abuse and neglect, and could understand how that left me wide open for sexual abuse. It's an ongoing effort but that helped me to get to a point where I could cut her a little slack and stop hating her.

 

[Ronin]

Can't (can't can't can't) see my kiddo as innocent,

But innocence is not required for forgiveness?

I was, or am, still a f*cked up brat. In some ways. More of us are. Some of us are less. Some of us are not. Some of us aren't even if all hells break loose.

Forgiveness is not tied to any of that.
Only to a decision to forgive, or keep living as if forgiven. You don't even have to *actually* forgive. Just act it. It will come.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It's hard looking back to those things from an adult perspective. It's hard to relate to that child who endured those things.

YES IT IS!!! My issue was and still is not judging my child actions and non-actions. Not judging my child mind back then from an adult mind now. Per my therapist, thats not fair to my "inner child" as "she" doesnt have an adult mind yet.

 

[scout86]

but when I look at him? Urgh...

I know what you mean. I always think "I never was THAT young." I mean, I really seem to remember seeing the world exactly like I do now. It makes no sense what so ever. But seeing kids who are 'that young' kind of freaks me out.

 

[Chiqui]

My inner Child was mad at me. Sooo angry. I tried to talk to her, but she didn't want to. I tried for years, I felt her sadness and rage ( I am talking about 15 or 20 years ago) I started to make time for her. I asked her, please, talk to me. I want to help you with your sadness....This was my approach. I had to gain her trust, and to do what I promissed, like to buy a toy, to eat fruit, to have walks outside and pick flowers... I was having a very stressful time in my life and, looking back, we helped each other. She felt, with the age of 4, she was abandoned by my parents, so I promissed that I will never abandon her. And I haven't done it. My adult self became a loving a nurturing mother with my little 4. I did this also with the one with 14. I felt I had to rescue my inner Child. Worthy all the time and effort, until today. Love to all your Inner Child. (They need an adult who cares and stands for them, we)

 

[sun seeker]

And the first step is always the hardest.

Don't leave us there... what is the first step??

 

[sun seeker]

my head's spinning and part of me wants to scream and throw the phone at the wall (Don't do that Ragdoll, it would be expensive)

Great that you are able to voice the urge and not act on it... but to respond to the need behind it, do you have something you could throw that would feel satisfying but not break anything?

Here is my approach to your question: I think we have to learn to care about ourselves (and yes, caring about our inner children is caring about ourselves) partly as a practice and partly from internalizing other people's kindness towards us. I'm not a big fan of the popular theory that we are the only ones who can meet our needs. We're social beings. A baby isn't born knowing what kind of person she is; she learns it from the way her caregivers interact with her as her nervous system is developing and forming pathways. We can't do all our healing in isolation. Sometimes, we need a trusted other to reflect our goodness to us before we can feel it ourselves.

Forgive me if I'm misremembering; do you have DID? How does your therapist treat your child parts? Or is it hard to remember when you are not "in" a particular part? You might have to work from the outside in, internalizing their reflection of your innocence for a while before you are able to really feel it yourself. That you are encountering some resistance is normal; if the resistance is so strong that it is making you want to throw the phone at the wall, you might need to back off and approach the problem from a different angle.

 

[Sideways]

How does your therapist treat your child parts?

Yeah, DID, and that makes it complex. The kid gets along pretty well with one of my parts, which has helped prevent all out war. But at the same time, another one of my parts really rips the kid to shreds and they've got to really stay out of each others way. Having different parts with different attitudes to the kid makes it confusing for me.

I think my T is pretty good with it. She's a DID doc, and she tells me when she's been talking to someone else. My kid doesn't trust her yet, but they have spoken, which is a good sign I think.

It's pretty hard core work. Being nice to yourself. If non-ptsders found out that's what we do in therapy, just work on being nice to ourselves, I reckon that would sound pretty easy. Not so. Not so at all.

And yeah, I need to work on it but I can't force it. Neither of us will buy it if I try and tell her its all rainbows and bunny rabbits. But (always a but!) I'm thinking that I might need to take the approach of practicing it even if it doesn't feel real. Maybe that will help get some momentum at least.

My head's really all over the shop. It's hard to go in with a consistent approach when I've got completely conflicting thoughts about her.

 

[sun seeker]

Just thinking as I go here... I don't have DID, so this might be off base, but would it help to have your therapist write your 12-year-old a letter saying what she likes about her and reminding her she is a good person (I'm ducking -- tone it down if that is too much!) for you to read when you are in that part?

Does it work to talk to the 12-year-old when you are not in that part, or are we talking more about being in some other part while talking to her, or both? It does complicate the logistics, but there must be ways around it.

 

[Sideways]

@sun seeker : to date, when I've tried this, I've only been able to do it when I'm fronting, and it occurs as an internal dialogue, sometimes with my more diplomatic part sitting in as mediator. I'm not sure how to pull it off any other way.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm thinking that I might need to take the approach of practicing it even if it doesn't feel real.

Thats what my therapist told me to do fighting with the cult beliefs (which were my beliefs when i first got to this site and the first 6.5 yrs of therapy...though it doesnt always take 6.5 yrs lol) but saying it though you dont believe it...do that, a lot, trying to not react to "this isnt true" and eventually it gets easier to a point you start to believe it.

Id never believe that worked if i didnt do it myself. And i looked at my therapist like he had two heads when he said it and fought with him constantly but it worked!

 

[sun seeker]

I had to look up what fronting is. Now I know. :-)

Is your diplomatic part around enough for that to be a viable strategy?

If you had your therapist write a letter, to get back to my point about some of the healing needing to come from internalizing other people's kindness towards us, would you remember to read it when in that part? I'm thinking of a dual approach here: different alters that have at least a neutral relationship with your 12-year-old collaborating on the project on the one hand, and enlisting your therapist's help on the other.

Might that help? This is a brain twister for me. I'm so glad your therapist specializes in DID, there aren't many of those around!