Relationship How To Get Diagnosis

[EveHarrington]

While the cause of PTSD (trauma) and having PTSD itself is indeed a "not your fault at all" sort of thing, that doesn't mean that all of our PTSD influenced/caused behavior is indeed excusable. I the end, much of our behavior can indeed be controlled/changed. We do have a choice on how to respond (save automatic reactions like startling, behaviors while sleeping ie nightmares/night terrors, etc).

Please don't think that PTSD means everyone around the sufferer gas to put up with any/all behavior and be ok with it. You matter, too, in this relationship! :hug:

 

[Mrs Allen]

While the cause of PTSD (trauma) and having PTSD itself is indeed a "not your fault at all" sort...

I honestly don't think there is enough of a relationship left to worry with.

 

[Mrs Allen]

It's causing much more harm than not. More pain than anything else, and while he's in therapy now and making some changes, I'm just tired, fed up, wore out, done.

 

[Mrs Allen]

He doesn't communicate, claims he doesn't have emotions. He doesn't understand the concept of unconditional love, he was taught and raised it had to be earned. I don't want to earn someones love, I don't want to be the loneliest I have ever been in my life, yet married to someone I love more than I've ever loved anyone else.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm sorry to hear that! :(

Do you think the relationship is salvageable?

Recovery is a long road, and it oftentimes gets worse before it gets better.

Do you think you'd be willing to work through this with him?

There is no right/wrong answer----I mean don't feel that you need to stay with him because he has PTSD.

Truthfully------this stuff can damage kids. How are your children holding up? (Is this man their father?) I think it's important to raise kids in a healthy environment, and if you're at the end of your rope, I really worry about them!

 

[Justmehere]

@ms Allen, this sounds so hard and my heart really goes out to you. I would find it so hard to deal with someone who says love is earned. Yikes...

Maybe couples counseling would help, if you two haven't considered that already.

I agree with others that PTSD can be an explaination behind crappy behavior, but not an excuse. I also think there could be things other than PTSD happening here too. No way to tell online though. But there may be many reasons why the diagnosis isn't quick. It's also possible he says the therpaist says to drop it because he really wants it to be dropped.

He may be sending the message his love has to be earned, but he also thinks love for him has to be earned too, and so having a diagnosis made official might be a hard step for him. He may fear it means he can't be loved, and that he will have to make some even harder changes,

I also see how hurt and frustrated you are, and how it might help to know there was a cause so that maybe it's not so personal...

PTSD or not, he is responsible for his behavior and it's a promising sign he is making changes already. And yet I also acknowledge that you are burnt out and heartbroken over this. His actions have been way over the line. Is it possible to get some temporary space?

Is there a middle ground - like maybe you don't have to make the final decision about the marriage right now, but you can honor what you need and that right now, things are not sustainable for you. Understandably so.

Is taking some temp space from him possible for you and the kids to get some space to rest for a bit?

You don't have to answer any of these questions if you don't want to. I think you are doing a good job facing this with all that is happening. I think that the more you can give a little space on the diagnosis right now, and instead focus on what you need in terms of love and acceptance and a serious reduction of the crappy treatment of you and the kids, the more that there might be more solutions that might surface, with or without him.

You have great value and deserve to be cherished. :hug:s to you if you accept them.

 

[EveHarrington]

Love isn't earned-----

Had myself one of those guys.

You're right, it is lonely. :(

 

[Suzetig]

It sounds like a living hell for you, and I can understand why having a PTSD diagnosis feels so important. What I read in your post is someone who is behaving in a controlling way, blaming you for his behaviour and telling you that other people think it's your fault too. At the risk of being very direct, that doesn't sound like PTSD to me, it sounds like domestic abuse - and that's always the responsibility of the person behaving abusively.

I understand the loving someone so much you'll look for a way to be with them, while not being able to let go of what they say and do to you. It's an awful, horrible situation to be in. I hear part of you wanting something better for you and your kids, but part of you wanting to salvage your marriage. You said you can see him making some behaviour changes already and only you will know if they are enough. I wonder what it would be like for you to stop ascribing his behaviour to possible PTSD and accept he does have some control and choice about what he does?

I know you're in therapy for your own issues, have you talked to your therapist about your relationship - not in a "it must be all my fault" kind of way, more in a "does this sound reasonable to live with" kind of way?

 

[Sweetpea76]

It sounds like a difficult situation. Nobody here can diagnose your husband. Hopefully it's not PTSD and it's something that isn't permanent. PTSD is not curable. It can be managed, but not cured.

Maybe the therapist is on the right track if he seems to be doing better. Maybe give her some time and see. I'd just open my mind and go into it without preconceived notions of having any kind of diagnosis. See what happens.

Here's the thing though... Even if he has PTSD, you aren't responsible for his triggers or stressors. The only way it could be your fault was if you knew what a specific trigger was and you were constantly springing it on him on purpose.

He is being triggered. It's not you purposely triggering him. He has to own his own stuff. Ditto with your kids. Especially for your kids... If there is any kind of blame being thrown at them, it is WRONG.

PTSD is not an excuse to terrorize a household. It's not carte blanche to treat people any which way or blame them for being symptomatic.

As a supporter of anybody with any kind of mental or emotional issue, you need to protect yourself and your kids first. The kids dot deserve it. You don't deserve it. You cannot help him if you are broken.

 

[anthony]

The psychiatrist / psychologist will diagnose, and their opinions may vary. Like already said, regardless of the physician seen, they may want to observe them for 5 - 10 sessions before making further diagnostic summations. Having trauma does not equal PTSD, and you must understand that. It is not automatic right of entitlement based on ticking and flicking a symptom profile. Those tests are 100% bullshit and you shouldn't give them one ounce of validity. They aren't testing against the severity of symptoms, nor the physical factors that can't be screened in a theoretical test, but must be observed by a trained physician who knows what to look for.

 

[Mrs Allen]

The psychiatrist / psychologist will diagnose, and their opinions may vary. Like already said, regardless o...

I do understand that. But if you read the file I shared, the questions are all based on the dsm-v guidelines for ptsd. The quiz is simply supposed to be used as a TOOL to be an icebreaker for people who possibly suffer from ptsd to show to their Dr or health care professional so that that professional can then take the necessary steps to diagnose (or not diagnose) ptsd or other trama disorders. But the simple fact that as a therapist she completely dismissed an icebreaker that he had the nerve and put his huge pride aside to take in to her and told him "stop thinking you have ptsd" of course I'm going to get defensive and angry. She doesn't know him. He does. I do. We know his symptoms and why he feels this diagnosis is a possibility. We are fully open to the fact that it's not. But this therapist seems completely closed minded to the fact that it could be. And I did call yesterday to see if she is trama diagnosis trained. She is. So now what.... just give it time? Why am I so pissed? Yes I'm protective of him and want him to have proper diagnosis and proper care. He has serious health issues and I diagnosed that. He has a RARE genetic disease he almost died from 2 yrs before we met. They never found out the problem. I figured it out within a few months. Yes it took years for the Dr's to figure it out. And I was hesitant to mention to the Dr's what I thought it was, even tho my husband knew what I thought it was. We finally got him diagnosed after 6+ specialists and months and months of struggles plus him becoming unable to work. So I'm a little protective of him getting proper care. I know how quickly he will give up if he decides she isn't right or he doesn't trust her judgement. So I don't want to do anything to influence that negatively. I'm just angry that she dismissed what took so much nerve for him to open up about from his past, and the articles etc he took in that he relates so much to.

 

[GWhizz]

If I can give you one piece of advice, it would be do not go to a therapist or psychiatrist with a preconceived diagnosis.

I understand the frustration as I've been there myself. Feeling crazy not knowing what's wrong with me or why my children trigger me etc. Of course having an official and correct diagnosis is essential to getting specific help.

I myself was told initially I had depression (postnatal actually). I knew it was something more though as I didn't have the typical depressive symptoms. When I tried to find out more about what could be causing my flashbacks and dissociative symptoms, PTSD of course flagged up. But when I took this idea to a team, it was the last diagnosis they were willing to consider. I believe that initially they felt like I was coming in trying to call the shots and tell them I knew better. And so I experienced a bit of a battle because they will do their jobs as they always do.

Eventually, through psychometric testing (which btw is nothing like Google assessments for PTSD) and an essential clinical interview, I was diagnosed with PTSD.

Ironically, I now wish that I had been wrong. But ultimately I am glad I know I'm not just "crazy"!

I would advise attending a psychiatrist familiar with trauma or a trauma therapist. As others have said, go in open-minded. There may be other explanations. Some people have painful traumatic memories yet they don't have the avoidance issues typical of PTSD, for example. Let your husband simply tell it like it is, to the extent that he can. Take it step by step and with the right assessment, he'll receive the appropriate treatment plan.

Best of luck to you both