How To Handle Panic Without Having To Run From This?

[Justmehere]

I have to testify in court about a traumatic event on Friday. I can't give any other info about the proceeding here for privacy reasons - so please bear with me for being vague about that.

What I can freely write is that I'm nervous. Shaking hands and easily teary. I don't have anyone to come with me to the hearing because the two people that know about it and could handle it are out of town or out of the country. I could have a victim advocate come, but they made a serious mistake in the past - a massive and intentional and repeated privacy breach. The person was fired and they are apologetic now, but having them there feels more like a stressor than a support. There is a friend who is an attorney and my therapist who will be cheering me on from afar...

But I'll be walking into that court room by myself and shit scared. My testimony favors neither the prosecution nor the defense - so they are not there for my interests.

I'm freaking out a bit.

I'm going to gather all my notes todayabout what I will testify about - but I'm really getting upset. I can ground and pull myself out of being so triggered, but then I try again and I get panicky again. I'm beginning to really badly drop the ball on other commitments because this process is taking so long and people are getting reasonably mad and frustrated and I really need to come through on those things. I don't want something else to be lost over this battle.

Any suggestions how I can get this done without getting so panicky or angry and not having to stop so much during it? I'm at a loss. Maybe there isn't a way.

 

[Leah123]

Hi there. I don't have any great advice, though I'll try, I mainly wanted to say I feel for you in this stressful situation. I think I'd feel that anxiety too and I'm sorry you're struggling with it.

I did want to ask if you'd told the people to whom you had other commitments that you were in the middle of this process of preparing to testify? It's okay to need extra time and if you haven't let them in on what's going on right now perhaps they'd be more understanding if you did?

Would it also maybe help to take a break from the testimony prep and have a change of scenery where you're doing something relaxing for yourself, maybe just go out and get a coffee or call someone supportive or enjoy your favorite music for half an hour? I'm thinking of my DBT skills for handling difficult emotions like this anxiety which suggest pleasurable or meaningful distractions to take a break from the intesity, and the more senses involved, the better.

Anyhow, as I said, I mainly wanted to offer a little support, in what, 4 days this will be all over with hopefully? Do you have something good planned for afterward to reward yourself for getting through this hard period?

 

[desiderata310]

Is it the subject matter or being in court that is such a stressor?

Who asked you to testify? Could that group suggest someone to be a support?
Could your attorney friend come or have someone from his/her group to just come and sit with you?

Sometimes USING the anxiety to power through difficult things helps. Can you flip you anxiety and maybe turn it to indignation? Or even anger? Even if it's just for that moment?

 

[Justmehere]

@Leah123 @desiderata310 - thank you so much for your kind words and support. It helps even to post here to feel less alone.

I did want to ask if you'd told the people to whom you had other commitments that you were in the middle of this process of preparing to testify? It's okay to need extra time and if you haven't let them in on what's going on right now perhaps they'd be more understanding if you did?

They know, and one is unable to return from out of the country for another week and the other is attending a funeral for an 18 year old boy.

Would it also maybe help to take a break from the testimony prep and have a change of scenery where you're doing something relaxing for yourself, maybe just go out and get a coffee or call someone supportive or enjoy your favorite music for half an hour? I'm thinking of my DBT skills for handling difficult emotions like this anxiety which suggest pleasurable or meaningful distractions to take a break from the intesity, and the more senses involved, the better.

Yeah, this is a great idea, and I do this already - and it works wonders. I'm just running out of time to keep up with everything because it takes so long to do this. Maybe I need to find a way to do this for 5 minutes and then jump back in to dealing with everything on my plate. I don't know. I have a long commute on a train every day this week, and I was going to use that time to work - but maybe that can be my time to just be still.

Anyhow, as I said, I mainly wanted to offer a little support, in what, 4 days this will be all over with hopefully? Do you have something good planned for afterward to reward yourself for getting through this hard period?

Yes! That is the hope and a good thing to remember. Just 4 days and it's over. Hopefully. A reward for getting through is a great idea...

Is it the subject matter or being in court that is such a stressor?

yes. It's about the worst trauma I have gone through as an adult. It hopefully won't be too detailed and it will hopefully just last 2 hours. But just being in the courtroom with everyone looking at me....

Who asked you to testify? Could that group suggest someone to be a support?
Could your attorney friend come or have someone from his/her group to just come and sit with you?

The judge ordered me to come. It's a matter that is about undoing some damage done by others. The judge is well the judge, and he will at least walk me through the process but all the words are mine to choose. Good suggestion about the attorney friend - but she is in trial on Thursday and Friday, and is a solo practitioner. And it's embarrassing enough of a matter I don't want anyone else to come.

Sometimes USING the anxiety to power through difficult things helps. Can you flip you anxiety and maybe turn it to indignation? Or even anger? Even if it's just for that moment?

That's a really good idea... has me thinking... I'm actually very worried my anxiety will shift into anger on the stand and that will NOT be a good thing, not for this hearing. But someone mentioned at a business workshop that sometimes re-naming/re-channeling anxiety as excitement can help the brain not keep freaking out more and more and more because the two emotional states can have a lot of the same body sensations.

Frankly, if this hearing goes well, there will be much to celebrate. Amoung the many possible positive outcomes - something that damaged me will be partially undone in a big way. I feel a lot of pressure from myself to do this well to make sure the judge rules like everyone, even the DA and defense, is hoping the judge will rule. Sometimes I begin to have hope and then my heart plunges into anger and anxiety about what they did to me in the first place.

I'm in my bedroom letting myself cry at this moment... but being able to write about this and have your support and input is huge for me. Beginning to take some slow deep breaths.

I think most of all, I need to find the confidence that I can do this.

 

[rosey]

here in the uk if you need to you can request to do the appearance via video link from another room in the court building, this would mean that you would not have everyone looking at you. is that an option there for you maybe?

on the day maybe use some sensory things to help keep calm. a stress ball, worry beads, spraying your favourite scent on your sleeve so you can smell it and breathe a calming breathe.

certainly plan a massive treat for after and we will all be holding you in mind.

 

[Justmehere]

here in the uk if you need to you can request to do the appearance via video link from another room in the court building, this would mean that you would not have everyone looking at you. is that an option there for you maybe?

Oh I wish this was possible, but it's not.

It's better for me to focus on how to get through the circumstances at hand than trying to change them - options have been explored for months on how to change all that, but now I need to focus on how to cope with them as they are. I have to find a way. :(

on the day maybe use some sensory things to help keep calm. a stress ball, worry beads, spraying your favourite scent on your sleeve so you can smell it and breathe a calming breathe.

That's a great idea! I think I may use that for doing the prep work today.

Thank you so much for the support!

 

[GrayOwl]

There is a friend who is an attorney and my therapist who will be cheering me on from afar...

I will be cheering you on from afar also. In fact all of us here will be cheering you on from a lot closer than you think.

There are many many positive reasons that you are doing what you are doing otherwise you would not be doing it.
I am proud of you and it gives me strength to know you are doing something you believe you have to do. And I know from reading what you say that you will do great.

My trauma started out simply as bullying. It grew into a pattern of abuse, then harassment and fraud. Then people started dying, suicides, crippling injuries, the list goes on and on and on. Abuse, harassment, coercion...... I spoke out against it. I became the principal target. The abuse became an onslaught in my life. I didn't understand why it was all happening. I researched, reached out, combed the internet for support, met lawyers, etc. etc.... I wouldn't give up.

Because of my determination, charges were brought and I was asked to testify in federal court. It turned into 19 hours of testimony. I poured my heart out. It ended up being ruled on by 3 justices in Washington D.C. and there was a small judgement, largely ignored by the abusers. But it gave justification and grounds for protection, and a foundation to start.

Two years later I threatened to call the state police in and file charges to enforce the judgement - and then they started to make changes. From this I was asked to appear at the state capital. I had a moment of clarity and a national speaker yielded and asked me to step up and speak. From that, aides and now legislators have asked me back.

I'm just a little person. I'm just me. Apparently you're Justmetoo. ;):). I'm scared shintless of public speaking. (That is the understatement of the year.) I was asked to be principal architect and author of new sweeping legislation - by a legislator. This could mean speaking before state legislatures, on T.V., in front of "people". Maybe addressing a state legislature. I'm more frightened of all that than anything else. I guess I'll do what I've done before in these "lesser" situations.

When I'm in these spots:
I think about what I'm trying to accomplish - and what it means to me. I think about the hurt and damage done to me - my family - to others.
I Keep It Simple !! All I have to do is stick to my cause. I believe. I really do. I believe. Nothing else matters.
I trust. I trust in a Higher Power - even if that's just you guys - and your awesome support !!
I find a favorite prayer and say it. I keep a line or two written and in my pocket.
I can be me. I try (key word "try"). I stick to point. But if I hurt too bad, I allow it to show. That is important too. It's not an act or a tool - if I crumble for a moment I can be a human and let them know why.
I think about the people who suffer, who suffered, who hurt or died, and that it should not happen again to others.
I think about my wounds, and those of others - emotional, financial, physical, scars, crippling injury.
Vengeance does not belong. Nor is unbridled anger a good thing. I have to do this because it is the right thing to do.
I can accept. Accept. Accept. Yes. I can. I can accept any outcome. Because I am only a messenger - I am not judge, jury, or executioner.
I focus on one person, place or thing in the courtroom. It can change from moment to moment - but I'm only speaking to one or two inanimate things - it's simpler that way.

As dear ladee so aptly pointed out to me recently, men are full of logic and quick to get to the point. How true. But!!!!! May I add something more?
Our love, our support, and our hugs.
I am so sure you will do great, that it will pass, and people will understand your path and forgive your preoccupation this week.
May I suggest a bowl of ice cream? Definitely keep some comfort foods around this week:hungry::hungry:
:hug:

 

[Justmehere]

@GrayOwl - your words brought such deep comfort to my soul. I don't have much time to say much else - running out the door to a client meeting for my tiny new business... But I just had to take a moment to say thank you so much.

Ice cream is definitely something I will be making room to enjoy. :) :) :)

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Justmehere I'm assuming that you are the victim giving a victim impact speech or taking the stand to testify....WOW, good for you!!!! Whichever it is, remember that you will have the voice not only for you but for all victims. Be proud that you survived, be proud that you have the courage to face this. Be proud that you have a voice and will use that voice. Stand there or sit with your head held high, and your shoulders back. Let the world know that you are NOT a victim, but a survivor.

You can do this..... In that moment remember this.... You are taking back your life. Good luck!!!!!!

 

[Deleted member 541]

@GrayOwl You have defiantly wowed me, with what you have done. Congratulations for doing what you have done and continue to do... And Thank You!!!!!!

 

[Justmehere]

@She Cat - thanks so much for the encouragement! I can't confirm or deny what the hearing is but it is certainly an opportunity to stand up for other victims too. The attorney friend teaches law and tells my story (without identifying details) to help them understand flaws in the system and she told me.... I can't even write it. She says she's proud. Which right now is making me so scared I'm gonna let her down and let everyone down and screw this up somehow and there is a lot at stake...

I had a commitment tonight - a business class/networking related matter.

I kind of melted down just now about it.

I so want to be there and lead tonight like I'm scheduled to do, but I realized something has to give.

I just now emailed my team that runs the group and told them I need them to take over for me (which they are all able to do) due to an "unexpected scheduling conflict" (I seriously need to schedule some downtime before I fall apart and decimprnsate too far.) I told them I can solidly commit to be there all the other nights for the semester - which is vey doable for me and made me feel better about dropping the ball.

Ugh I feel awful.

 

[Justmehere]

Trying to beleive right now that I'm not a failure as a human being. I either succeed or I learn and I'm freaking learning a hell of a lot.