How to stop fighting

[MamaHopeful]

I am now in a place where I can finally accept PTSD.
But I cannot accept these symptoms.
The CONSTANT panic attacks all day and night, the constant intrusive images, constant catastrophic thinking like a paranoid crazy woman.
The worst part is being a Mom and watching my kids watch me like this.
I haven't slept for two nights in a row in I dont know how long. My anxiety is honestly nonstop. I cannot do simple tasks without it going crazy. Tonight my husband asked me to change the channel on the TV and my first thought was "oh god, i cannot touch the remote, it might have poison on it." I quickly labeled it as a PTSD/anxiety thought, I don't think it's real or true, but I'm just honestly exhausted by the nonstop stupid, stupid, stupid worries. I KNOW none of it is real, but it still comes into my brain nonstop. Every thought, every move I make all of it. My legs are in severe pain because of the relentless anxiety.
I post on here so often because I just don't want to feel alone. Nobody around me understands, my husband tells me to snap out of it.
Has anyone else dealt with constant paranoia? Feeling like you're insane and cannot control your own thoughts? When I close my eyes to sleep my body tenses up massively and then I scream I CANNOT DO THIS and get a giant rush of adrenaline. Help me feel less alone, please.

 

[EveHarrington]

You’re not alone.

Paranoia was a big part of my symptoms...but now it’s better.

Are you taking any meds? Medication has really helped slow my thoughts.

 

[MamaHopeful]

Eve, which medications are you on?
I am on Paxil and that's it. My doctor mentioned the possibility of a anti-psychotic when I saw her yesterday but it worried me because I've heard of many people whose racing thoughts get ten times worse when on it.
My mistake has been going on a billion forums and Googling nonstop and seeing people saying I have crazy things that I don't. It's anxiety - it's just really really really really bad anxiety.
I just wish I could sleep. That's the hardest part. The less I sleep the worse everything feels and gets. But the second I fall asleep, my body jolts wide awake from being so anxious for so long. It's like I cannot clear out to cortisol or anything - I'm just soaking in it.

 

[Sweetleaf]

My legs are in severe pain because of the relentless anxiety.

Ugh holy shit I feel you there. My trauma involved one of my knees being f*cked up, like, one of my kneecaps is out of place forever (that LCL got f*cked up too but has gotten a lot better with physical therapy and time). I get a lot of knee pain from high anxiety days, also back and neck pain, just, soreness all over from being so tense everywhere, non stop.

But I cannot accept these symptoms.
The CONSTANT panic attacks all day and night, the constant intrusive images, constant catastrophic thinking like a paranoid crazy woman.

I relate so much - I had/have such a hard time accepting my symptoms. Only lately have I begun to accept that I'm either gonna be anxious as f*ck or dissociated as f*ck. The random splashes of depression - at least that is familiar territory, in a way. I had problems with that before my trauma, but not problems with dissociation (mainly depersonalization) and anxiety.

I have had problems with paranoid thinking since my trauma, too. Sometimes really irrational shit, it sucks to experience, but you're not alone in having problems like that. I still do, though I feel like I have an easier time coping with it and not wigging out as much with it, than in the past. I think time has helped that stuff ease a bit, along with managing other symptoms, and working on coping with the paranoid thoughts.

If you're not on any medications, they could be really helpful for you. They have helped me a lot. They haven't made my problems go away, but they've made them easier to handle, which is helping me be able to slowly work on healing my trauma.

When I'm in the middle of a highly symptomatic period, where I'm constantly panicking and anxious and I'm just hanging on every moment, moment by moment, incapable of doing anything but sitting there curled in a ball under a blanket, shaking, crying, suffering, enduring it - it f*cking sucks. It's really hard during times like that, for me to remember that it's not forever, that the anxiety level won't always be sky high. It can make me start having suicidal feelings and like these weird strong waves of depression/despair that last hours. But, it's not forever, and I have to constantly remind myself that when things are being rough. Maybe that doesn't help much for you or others, but, it helps for me. Also, just talking about it with people here, can help me feel less distressed about being so symptomatic, when I am. Hopefully that helps for you too lol.

Help me feel less alone, please.

You're not alone at all. I have been in the same place you're describing. Your words could have been mine, and I'm sure there are a lot of people here who have been in a similar place.

What kind of treatment are you getting right now? Are you seeing a therapist or psych or anything like that?

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m on geodon and trileptal. The geodon was a godsend for my racing thoughts.

 

[MamaHopeful]

Thank you for writing.
I just finished 5 weeks of DBT therapy but it didn't help. The first week helped so much because that was distress tolerance, which I felt I really needed, but the other weeks didn't really seem to apply to me.
Honestly what has f*cked me up the most, is when I saw an OCD therapist for this. Because I was constantly worrying about my PTSD symptoms (which at the time I didn't know were PTSD symptoms because I had no idea about it) I assumed the problem was my worrying and nonstop all day googling searching for answers. I went to an Exposure Response Prevention therapist and since then it's been downhill. Her words are like PASTED into my head. She told me CBT and CPT are the DEVIL and that when a worry enters our mind we must never respond with a positive thought or try and argue. So, if the thought comes in "The remote control is poisoned!" I'm supposed to say, "This is a false alarm. I will not listen. I am stronger than this thought," and then point my attention to something else.
But when you have a lifetime of cognitive distortions, it feels cruel to not think positive or offer counter statements. But because she believes so strongly that CBT is the devil, now I'm doubting if any therapy will ever help me, ever. It's really, really, really, really hard. My head is now in knots. Actual knots.
I'm sad and frustrated that I'm in such a horrific place, honestly.
My anxiety keeps saying, "nothing will work. no therapy will help. you will always be this way now. you will never sleep again. your children have a sick and crazy mom now..."
I am starting a daily intensive PTSD program on Monday morning. It includes yoga, CPT, DBT and art therapy. I refuse to give up.

 

[Swift]

Good on you for refusing to give up!!!!

"oh god, i cannot touch the remote, it might have poison on it." I

Have you examined OCD as a possibility? PTSD and OCD commonly occur together. Of course I'm not a professional, but some of what you're describing sounds like it, especially if your trauma didn't involve poisoning.

because she believes so strongly that CBT is the devil

There are a lot of so-called "therapists" that believe lots and lots of many and varied shades of bullshit.

My point is... just because one therapist believes something, doesn't make it true. They might believe in aliens or talking unicorns or whatever, that doesn't make those things true. For example, I've had a lot of people insist my gayness is the devil and a much bigger problem than my PTSD. They generally get a one-fingered salute, but they do exist.

"The devil" is pretty strong phrasing to use about a type of therapy you don't agree with. Sounds more like a personal belief than a therapeutic one to me.

 

[Teasel]

Yep someone saying CBT is the devil doesn't sound too well balanced to me. I personally found CBT ever so helpful with problematic thinking.

Good luck on your intensive course, hope it helps

 

[blackemerald1]

Hi @MamaHopeful - the Therapist who told you CBT was the devil... was being manipulative and evil. It's not true and it isn't helpful.

Not all types of therapies will work really well or at all. But honestly it would have to be a stretch of the imagination to go that low. Disregard this type of comment and move on.

Anxiety is a bitch.. no doubt about that and very difficult to manage I understand because some of what you are saying I have or do experience.

If the paranoia is not related to your trauma or lived experience then medication may be useful. For instance the remote control being poison is probably a step too far for me. But then again, some of my ideas about things would be a step too far for you.

I am so pleased you are starting a new and intensive course. You may learn skills that will be helpful and I am hoping it will give you tools to take home with you to assist.

The sleep problem you have is something I continue to struggle with from year to year. I cannot take sleeping medication or any medication really. For me it is about routine, structure and mindfulness. I find whilst I stick to a fairly strict regime of self care... I can get to sleep and I have better sleep. This leads to a much better attitude towards my day. I just tend to be more resilient if I get better sleep and routinely so.

Every now and then I get completely over my really strict routine, throw it out the window and don't do it and pay the price. :rolleyes: Wonder why I am not sleeping, have a brain storm and realise what I am not doing, restart doing it all again and slowly turn it around. But this is me being pretty silly.

It takes time to see results with anything so please keep doing therapy exercises and using the tools you learn - for a fair while. Remember this anxiety isn't something that went to full throttle straight away.

Try new things to help you work off some of the anxiety. Try to do physically exhausting things even when you do feel mentally exhausted. Activities that don't require a lot of brain power are best and distract yourself whilst doing it. 'Will' power is probably one of our weakest 'powers' so distraction while you exercise is a good idea. It can be anything as long as it is steady and you are burning energy and you can do it regularly.

There is a massive difference between physical exhaustion and mental exhaustion but in saying this I've found if you can trigger the natural tiredness that comes with physical exertion sleep may be easier to get to. The only problem I have found is the more exercise I do, the fitter I get and the more I need to do to get to the same level of exhaustion. Even it is cyclic but it does work for me.

Having a warm bath. Essential oils. Turning off screens and reading real books. Cooking, drawing - pull in all your natural curiosity and talents and work on using them. You don't have to be 'good' at something to do it. Try not to be critical of yourself. Even if you get some small respite from one activity for a few minutes - it is worth it. Don't expect one thing to solve all of your anxiety... that is a trap I fell head first into. It was more about a group of things for me and I have to change it regularly and then change back regularly.

Your husband isn't being helpful with his comment. If you could get over it I am sure you would. Nobody would want the levels of anxiety you are experiencing. He speaks from a blissful place called ignorance. Forgive him. Ask him for a back rub or scalp massage or something calming - if that helps.

Your children will still love you even if you are quite crazy. Mine had to put up with my crazy anxiety peaks and depressive troughs and I know they still love me. They are probably glad they don't live with me anymore but hey! :p They were going to grow up and leave anyway. (They left when they were grown ups btw!) The point is.. you children will be okay and are likely worried about you. So concentrate on getting yourself well and everyone will settle down ...I hope. :hug:

 

[Mach123]

OMG I love this! I was a raving lunatic so long. We fought like cats and dogs for 30 years. I put everyone through holy hell and had zero clue why I was acting/feeling like that. I think psych meds make you worse but they'll all line up to dope you out of your misery. I'm on pot and that's bad enough but I think it's benign compared to the stuff you'll probably end up on. I can totally identify and I'm sorry you are crazy I hated being crazy. I've been in therapy about 5 years for trauma and CSA. Yes my kids are pretty much wrecked by it but compared to the stuff I see going on IDK. We didn't know and we tried. All I can say is it could be worse considering what had happened to me and my wife also has trauma on her side. She wouldn't have married me otherwise the whole thing was a "trauma setup." You're not alone, it is lonely though. : (. I got better. The therapists told me I would. I didn't believe it, I couldn't. They were right though. IDK how much better? I still have to re enact stuff and I get some episodes but I usually know what's happening now. This helps a lot.

 

[MamaHopeful]

Thank you everyone for these comments.
To clarify, I was not poisoned in my trauma but I was drugged. So, I now have extreme fears of drugs being everywhere.
It is comforting to hear that I am not alone, and, I think I need to begin to tell myself I'm OK instead of constantly reaching out every single second asking for reassurance. Be patient with me while I taper off of reassurance seeking please. ;)
Thank you.
M

 

[blackemerald1]

I think I need to begin to tell myself I'm OK instead of constantly reaching out every single second asking for reassurance. Be patient with me

No..I'm sorry if I upset or offended you @MamaHopeful - you don't need to taper off anything here. ^^ This is the anxiety speaking I think. What you asked about is totally real. It isn't your imagination or some crazy idea. It is real. It is a horrible unrelenting monster. If I gave you the impression I'm on top of it...I am sorry bc I am not. I am still learning how to manage and adapt. It isn't a done deal for me. So I support you with you search 100%. Sorry if I gave you any other impression. :sorry::hug: