How to talk to your kids about the causes of your ptsd

[scout86]

This is a somewhat different situation, but a couple of weeks ago, I took a road trip to explain to the few family members I actually like why I've skipped every family event I possibly could. (Avoiding another family member who is best referred to as a child molester, in polite conversation.) I spent a fair amount of time discussing this with my T first. He suggested I write "letters" to these people and have practice conversations in my head. (He actually suggested in front of a mirror, but I can't handle looking at my reflection so that was too creepy.)

The whole thing was messy, but worked out WAY better than I expected. I didn't give any details. I told them who the party is and, in general, why I'm avoiding him. I explained that my absences weren't because I don't care about them (or all the people whose weddings and funerals I've skipped), they were about avoiding this one person. I got asked a few questions. Nothing I couldn't answer. If I'd been asked something like that, the plan was to say "I'd rather not talk about it." I haven't told them I have PTSD, yet. Although, from some conversations, I'm pretty sure at least one of them has figured that out.

I think you can do this, and there's a good chance you'll be glad you did.

Just read your post. My fingers are officially crossed that all goes well!

 

[Innordinate]

"I'd rather not talk about it."

awesome! thank you!!

 

[LuckiLee]

Wow. This is huge. Sending positive juju your way! I'm happy, proud and nervous for you. You'll do great.....until your meltdown. And we'll be here to support you through that too! ;)

XO

 

[scout86]

How did it go?:nailbiting:

 

[Innordinate]

How did it go?:nailbiting:

honestly not sure.
i think it was okay
we talked about my messed up family history and explained who my abusers were
and i think i did half decent not letting on to how much i blamed (still kinda do) her grandpa at the same time explaining why my relationship with him his so different than hers and everyone elses seems to be
she had a lot of questions about that - the difference in how i (and a small part, her mom) feel about certain family members because she only knows them as awesome grandparents that spoil the shit out of her, so how could i hate them so much?

kinda sucked, i didn't realize how much of my feelings actually come out around her - so that was an eye opener
and then she asked a ton of questions about my weird behaviors and ptsd
so we explained triggers to her and some of my specific triggers and she had a thousand questions about those
like is it why i don't really go swimming with them often when we're at the lake
water isn't a trigger for me but i have a lot of scars on my back so i don't like to take my shirt off around most people and then she started asking about other scars on my arms and legs and then i started dissociating

i know we talked more but i dont remember what because i was too inside my own head and i dont remember when they left but my ex left me a note with some of the positive things we came up with throughout - like having quiet time with my daughter, playing chess or board games, or reading together
and coming up with a code word for when she isnt comfortable around me or when i cant be around her, not personal

im still trying to picture the expressions on my daughters face to figure out what she might be thinking about everything and im too afraid to ask my ex even though i saw her today and she looked like she wanted to talk i told her not yet

yesterday was hell - i spent the day living nightmares and angry at everything
calming down now but
i havent slept since the meeting and im super sensitive to triggers right now
small ones i thought were long gone are setting me off

sucks like shit so i really hope she got something positive out of the information i gave her
hopefully something she can use to help sort out the mess ive made of her life
if i go by the note there were some good things at least

 

[Mach123]

I don't mostly. I mean they saw what happened to me. It was no big secret something went seriously wrong with dad. I never told them though. I did tell my daughter. I didn't tell my sons. IDK if I'll ever tell them? I don't think they need to know? They saw me get better too. I guess if you asked them they'd say "something bad happened to him when he was little and he never told us about it." I don't mind leaving it at that. The therapist agreed with me (I'm pretty sure I might ask her again) that the gory details are not relevant.? It just wouldn't help anyone for them to know that stuff. You know what else? We left a lot of the other stuff out also like about what went on in the 70's and when we met? They always knew us as church people. When you're 20 you don't think what you are doing matters. When you have kids you realize everything matters.

 

[somerandomguy]

To me, @Innordinate, it sounds like that went really, really, REALLY well. You're not going to be able to see that until you come out of your symptoms. You need a f*ckton of self-care right now, if you can manage it. If you can't, just try to rest.

You did great, bud. I hope you'll be able to realize it soon.

 

[LuckiLee]

You did it!! Great job. I really like your ex. She sounds like a wonderful person to have in your corner.

Take some time to yourself. Nature does wonders.

 

[Innordinate]

really, REALLY well.

Thanks.
time will tell i guess

I really like your ex. She sounds like a wonderful person to have in your corner.

she's awesome. makes me sad she wastes so much time on me, but yeah, I don't know where i'd be without her most of the time

 

[scout86]

I'm pretty sure that went better than it feels like it did. And, really, it's a start, you know? You want to have a relationship with this kid. Being able to talk about this stuff is a part of that. You gave her some stuff to think about. You've got some stuff to think about too. It's a process. Well done for starting it!

 

[grit]

I do not have kids so I cannot advise you directly but from a person who grew up with a mentally,albeit, un-diagnosed parent, and as many others with trauma know (growing up with a parent who has mental conditions), your kid know way more than they will ever be credited for.

Kids with parents who are struggling know a lot so sharing information should be for the benefit of the kid not the benefit of the parent.

I am certain you have seen enough ramifications when parents withhold obvious information or over-share information that creates such a burden on this forum alone.

I wish you the best. It is tough place to be.

 

[blackemerald1]

Well done! Expect more questions? I hope it helps to mend bridges btw you & your daughter.:)