Thanks Boo-Damphir. You know, when I think about it… maybe I wouldn’t be so bad off today if I would have just went ahead and came forward with my problems. I was very ignorant though I guess. If I could have done it all over again… first, I wouldn’t volunteer for shit again. Second, I should have just come forward and talked to my boss about my problems as they happened… when I think about it, he probably wouldn’t have done me the way he did after I came back if I would have been up front with him (although I do fault him for not looking after me, making sure I had reasonable personal protection). I was basically an assistant manager (NCOIC of Core Laboratory) then, and the troops used to like me and respect me. If I said anything about my problems, I knew it would cost me my position, which would ultimately affect my career promotions and I would be looked at as ‘worthless’ for contingency missions, leadership ability, and overall effectiveness as an NCO and troop. My troops below me would know something happened… “Sergeant Mac got fired from his position… what did he do?” This cascade of events would, in turn, cause my family to suffer because of the stifling affect this would have on my career (as I was the sole financial provider), or worse yet, get me discharged for mental problems (what I think I feared most about coming forward). I had been in for over 10 years when I went to Iraq, and planned to make a career out of the military. When I came back I still had absolutely no real clue what PTSD was… I thought only survivors of mass casualties in war got PTSD (I called it shell-shock). So when I was diagnosed later on, after ‘spilling the beans,’ I did not believe them because I did not survive a mass casualty attack or anything of the sort. When I realized that shit just absolutely wasn’t right with me, I still had time to keep this from becoming a chronic condition. Instead, I did the best I could to cope on my own, quietly tough it out... and the end result cost me everything that I feared would probably happen above anyway. To anyone that still has contact with those that still serve… if you know they have been to some hostile areas where they could have been traumatized, make sure you tell them that it’s best that they don’t hold it in to themselves to deal with (seek help ASAP). Tell them of my example, and that I thought I was tough enough to handle it too. If I would have said something sooner, I might have been able to rationalize things better early on, and at least still have a good working mind; employed with either military or civilian sector, than end up in my current situation- unable to hold a job in my present profession. waaa-waaa-waaa!:jerk:
Even though my hair is grown out and my face unshaven, some of the troops back at the base still recognize me and address me as “Sergeant.” That really is nice of them.:smile:
I even had a 1SGT (First Sergeant/Master Sergeant) notice me today that used to be in charge of my squadron when I was getting persecuted. He walked over to me as I was in my truck waiting for cross traffic to go by. I rolled down my window and he commented about how I look so different… as if he ‘s my fu**ing friend. I told him, “Thank you for the wonderful support you gave me.” He asked if I was serious or sarcastic. I told him I was being ‘sarcastic.’ He ‘palmed’ my forearm (as a gesture of ‘whatever’ to me), which was resting on the doors window-sill, then walked off.:angry-fla I got so pissed by that- that he had the nerve to think he could touch me in that way. My wife was there and said not to do anything, so I didn’t. Instead I just told him he’s lucky I don’t come out of this truck and … "you little bitch!!" He didn’t say anything back. My wife got pissed at me, and started telling me how much of an embarrassment I am in public when I act like this. I dropped my wife off, then went back and filed a police report against that guy for putting his hand on me. I told the MP’s that I was sarcastic towards him, but that gives him no right or authority, in my mind, to touch me in any manner and that he almost got 'medically retired' himself for doing so. The MP’s agreed, took my statement, and asked if I wanted to press charges for assault and I said, “No, just have his commander talk to him.” By the time I left there, they already had his commander on the phone… yea, I’m an asshole, but it sure did make me feel good.:thumbs-up
I then went to the VA, since I was on a tirade of anger, and made a heavy complaint against the nurse who had me lay in a gurney that had someone else's dried blood on it. I told her and she cleaned the blood and started my IV with the same gloves she just got done wiping the blood up with. Then she left all the trash by my side in the bed with me. Another nurse came along and saw the trash and was good enough to clean it up. I know if I’m getting treated this way at the VA, then probably other poor Vets are getting the same treatment behind me, and just don’t know any better to say anything (or maybe they just don't give a shit, like I was). That night I was just too apathetic to care if they even accidentally killed me. I got some sort of jell to eat this morning, since my blood sugar was so low, and five minutes later my brain woke up some and I became mad as a hornet. I let people know exactly how I felt today that pissed me off (without resorting to physical violence), and it felt damn good! Unfortunately, that Bible quote, “Revenge is mine say`th the Lord,” really pisses me off!!! :hit-boss:
