Husband Insists I Am Responsible For Triggering Him

[cupfish]

This guy is starting to get me down. We both have CPTSD, I'm further along in healing. Another huge weekend fight, where I was again told that if I didn't trigger my husband then he wouldn't be so pissed at me. In other words, if you think what you are going to say may upset me, then don't say it. If I get upset you asked for it. Now he's sulking, claiming just to be "quiet" which is malarkey.

He told me yesterday we are not compatible, and pushed me why I don't see this?

I think this is wrong on so many levels. I try so hard with this man. I have CPTSD too, and managing my own crap is a load and a half already. But isn't this ultimately about personal responsibility? I don't know how to interpret what is going on here.... :(

 

[Friday]

Yep. Our triggers are our own responsibility, no one else's.

Does he at least recognize that when he isn't triggered?

 

[cupfish]

Yep. Our triggers are our own responsibility, no one else's.

Does he at least recognize that when he i...

No. I don't think so. His defenses are built around narrative that he is fine but forces around him prevent his happiness. He offers me advice on how to work with him, but it still comes back to I'm okay when I'm not triggered.

 

[Gianna]

Hi there. Before I was willing to take responsibility and learn new coping mechanisms, I flared up and blamed everything and everyone. Now that I have learned how to process my emotions I am a lot less volatile. I will tell you when I felt as though I would blow my top I'd withdraw to prevent an emotional explosion and the fallout of guilt filled emotions as a result of.

 

[cupfish]

Hi there. Before I was willing to take responsibility and learn new coping mechanisms, I flared up and b...

What prompted you to change your ways?

 

[Freedomfighter]

This guy is starting to get me down. We both have CPTSD, I'm further along in healing. Another huge w...

Well, one response would most likely to be to just allow each other to breathe. I know that when I am triggered it just takes time to get out of that trigger. I can also imagine very well that even if a person means well that triggers can happen despite that.

PTSD is very very complicated.

I can totally understand how someone might be angry at another person when fighting their own triggers.

You know what? I would write that person a little letter if that happened, tell that person that I care very much about what happens in that person's life, that I care for that person, but that I am in a painful place inside my head and that despite my anger that would never mean that the good times can not be celebrated once the painful triggers are over.

I guess we all have to learn to roll with those horrific triggers. But if someone really loves that other person somehow they would discuss it, of course when one blames the other that is very tough then.

Once would also have to decipher if one person is doing hurtful things on purpose, such as in a fight or if innocent comments are the cause of the triggers.

Whenever I am in a quiet period I allow my brain to bounce back from hurt. I find that if given the freedom of being myself, within my own four walls I am much more receptive. So perhaps that is all your partner needs? To just be given a couple of days until the hurt has passed for him?

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

I really loathe the "comeback break up" BS people bring onto other's relieving them of their own pain. If he has CPTSD, he shouldn't take everything out on you. You're trying to get healthy and, from what I'm understanding, he is not. You continue to make yourself better and create a wall between you both (I see fingers shaking at me already saying, "no no no"), at least for right now. Give yourself relaxation by getting a time out and just walk out. You know it's not you. Please believe that.

 

[Fadeaway]

Sounds like his stress cup might be full. I would hold of on unnecessary serious conversations write now, and put things that can't wait into writing.

 

[cupfish]

Whenever I am in a quiet period I allow my brain to bounce back from hurt. I find that if given the freedom of being myself, within my own four walls I am much more receptive. So perhaps that is all your partner needs? To just be given a couple of days until the hurt has passed for him?

Highly insightful. It's what he usually wants after a big trigger episode, and during that time I feel neglected. I guess I wish he didn't plop himself in the middle of the household during those recovery days, it feels like he's controlling the entire scene; until he's 100% we wait it out. PTSD is complex, insidious, endless, exhausting, but it can be solved. Like a giant life riddle.