Husband refuses to acknowledge his abandonment issues

[Punky143]

It's becoming more apparent to me that my husband has a huge fear of abandonment. Overtime this has negatively effected our marriage. Part of the problem exists because he doesn't believe in mental health treatment and has said he doesn't need to pay someone just to get a diagnosis. Because of this, I feel like I've lost who I once was. I had friends but it got to the point it wasn't worth hanging out with them because of how he treated me . He would never ask how it went and seemed to be bothered because I was out longer than expected. I gave up things I liked doing because he feels like I'm actively avoiding him. Just the other night he flat out asked me if I was done showing affection and expected with a yes or no. I answered hopefully but it's not a black and white question. I know about boundary setting but it only works a little before he interprets it as I don't want to spend time together. I need alone time to recharge myself and it doesn't include him or anyone else. I've been this way entire life. I'm at a loss of what to do and it's only pushing me farther away. It's work being around him when we once enjoyed each other's company. I find being alone allows me to feel more im control and making my own choices without always feeling guilty. I've tried to have conversations with him but he is adamant about his feelings and takes it as a personal attack when I flat out tell him it's not and reframe from my statements so he might understand me better. He doesn't understand and it turns into blaming me for the issues. It's as if he wants me to be a different person and I've tried but at my own expense. I've never been clingy and overly affectionate but he desires that to make himself feel better. What do others think about this? Maybe different perspectives will help guide me. I'm miserable.

 

[Sideways]

I need alone time to recharge myself and it doesn't include him or anyone else.

That’s a pretty normal, healthy thing to need.

Even if he doesn’t respond well to you honouring that need, you’re still allowed to look after yourself.

With boundaries - they’re about ourselves, and our own behaviour. The way other people respond may determine how we choose to act, but the boundary is “I need time alone / time with my friends”.

His behaviour in response to that? Is his stuff to deal with. You being the healthiest version of yourself is one of the best things you can bring to any relationship.

 

[arfie]

i compulsively psychoanalyze other people, most especially family members. with hub-a-lub, i feel like my future depends on enforcing my expert analysis and treatment. the results are approximately equal to when hubby starts a campaign to **fix** me. little by little, i am coming to believe i'm not such a gifted expert. believing that hubby isn't the next carl jung never was a problem, but my own inner frued (i.f.) still pops her head on a regular basis. alas, she doesn't share her cocaine as freely as she shares her free expert advice.

personally, hold psychoanalyzing spousey as a sign that i need to work my own therapy program. hubby is a big boy. i work to trust that he can find his own way.

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you sort your own case.

 

[parrotthepolly]

but my own inner frued (i.f.) still pops her head on a regular basis. alas, she doesn't share her cocaine as freely as she shares her free expert advice.

WHAT am I witnessing?! Is this a typo?

 

[Rose White]

@parrotthepolly One of the favorite modern ways to critique Freud is for his cocaine use. He thought cocaine could be a useful drug for certain patients, as did a number of other doctors in his day (he was a neurologist prior to a psychoanalyst). None of his contemporaries who pushed cocaine as a pharmaceutical have left their names in the pages of history like Freud has. And Freud gave up on his ideas about cocaine before ever starting to practice psychoanalysis. But it’s fun to say he was a coke head!

 

[Applecore]

Another

@parrotthepolly One of the favorite modern ways to critique Freud is for his cocaine use. He thought cocaine could be a useful drug for certain patients, as did a number of other doctors in his day (he was a neurologist prior to a psychoanalyst). None of his contemporaries who pushed cocaine as a pharmaceutical have left their names in the pages of history like Freud has. And Freud gave up on his ideas about cocaine before ever starting to practice psychoanalysis. But it’s fun to say he was a coke head!

Let's remember Columbus never learned America wasn't India, despite the enormity of his discovery. There's a parallel with Freud: like many great trailblazers, he definitely got a lot wrong.

Yet another failure of Freud was that after his own history of cocaine addiction he psychoanalysed his own daughter in the consulting room for her 'addiction' to masturbation. He told her it was because she wanted to have sex with him and kill her mother in an echo of the Greek myth. Which was conspicuously self-flattering of him, as well as abusive and profoundly unethical.

And consequently one of the favourite amateur, popular and modern ways of shrinking our situation is to use his theories about the Electra or Oedipal complex. Consequently relatively few people have heard of the Greek myth of Saturn / Chronos killing and eating his own children, which would be a helpful illustration of the impulse towards child abuse. Freud didn't feel the urge to get into that, because he new best.

Back to the OP question and the topic this thread, in my experience of recovery (from CPTSD and depression) it's always helpful to look for our own self-flattery in the stories that we tell. I may be flattering myself now by being a smartass, or by projecting my own experience of child abuse. Shrinks flatter themselves all the time. So do clients. So do traumatized people. So do people complaining about relationships.

The one resource we can actually harness and adjust is ourselves and our self-deception.

 

[arfie]

WHAT am I witnessing?! Is this a typo?

just attempted humor. some jokes work better than others. sorry for the confusion.