Hi. I am finally at 50 in serious therapy for CPTSD and some co challenges. I am not certain I am posting this in the right place - new here and not super computer savvy. But my serious concerns are about my hyper sexuality. I am male, happily married (2nd marriage), and an empty nester. Things I did prior to seeking mental helth help (2 months of therapy to date) seemed to always have a degree of danger - career and hobbies. I am viewed as very masculine - tall, dark, handsome, etc and I have had no shortage of sex partners. I lost virginity around 14 and dated a much older girl when I was 16 (she was 20) who really opened my eyes to hetero sex. But she cheated on me - which I mention because I wonder how it plays on my subsequent sexcapades. Anyway she slept with this guy, ends up dating him, and I stuck around and we would have sex too. In hindsight it was pathetic, but it was my first super sexed GF AND I was 16. So I was willing to share (be a cuck?). Well here I am at 50 and ever since that relationship, I think about having other men make love to whomever I'm with. I've shared that fantasy with my ex wife and she played along in fantasy, but we never acted on it. My current wife of 8 years is also very sexual and she has had around 15 3sums with me and other men. I don't need to share details, I don't think, but I totally question if this is healthy for us or causing more damage BECAUSE I do not trust that I am engaging in these MFM 3sums to hurt myself because in some part of me it upsets me, causes me fear (will she want another man instead of me? will she feel I don't love her?). Or are we just a sexually adventurous couple and this happens to be our flavor?
So that is a huge deal for me to understand about myself and then there is this: My engaging in risky, anonymous, and even dangerous same sex activities. As far as I know I am straight. But when certain conditions arise - anything really that starts triggering feelings/thoughts of no self-worth, shame, etc... I will go on hookup apps or sites or even stop in at one of our local adult bookstores/theaters and basically allow myself to be groped, grabbed, mouths, erections, etc. I do get horny, sure - but often do not get aroused or even ejaculate in these encounters. I basically want to be used, physically hurt, etc. I use protection about half the time and have never swallowed a man's sperm but have gotten mouthfulls. I also let guys penetrate me with or without condoms. I have heard about Prep but don't dare risking my wife finding out (she has articulated being grossed out by anal sex and isn't into watching 2 men). Yet I expose myself to major STDs and diseases probably 2 times a year - sometimes with multiple guys in a day or 2. Then shame and disgust hit me so hard that it has actually kept me from meeting any guys for sex because I am afraid I might really harm myself from shame if I do it again. But the last 3 days I have been cruising the old websites and sharing naughty intimate pictures of myself with strangers, using our sex toys on myself and not nicely or gently... But thankfully dildo's don't seem to spiral me into self hate and thoughts of harm. But I tease nearby guys and am so close to going and satisfying this dark part of myself I don't understand.
So my questions are: Are there any tools for getting that dangerous sexual part of myself out before engaging in super degrading sexual behaviors? Are there any others with a similar experience? Am I bi or gay and totally in denial (sorry to be blunt - but as soon as I orgasm, i lose ALL arousal at the thought of being intimate with another man. If I am just masterbating to fantasies, I could be aroused enough by the next day, however, to offer myself to strange guys to do what they want to me. When I have met with guys in real life, I literally flee after I have orgasm'd and feel disgusted and gross for months. But then... 2 or 3 months pass and I seem to get restless. And any thoughts on mfm with my wife? She likes having other guys want her and we still recall our adventures when making love. So maybe we are just a "stag vixen" couple. But I am so confused and with my sexual arousal being amped up lately I am asking for help to keep from acting on them. It is very dangerous for me but when I get to a certain place with it, I become almost a zombie - detached. Just go present myself and take what comes.
I apologize if any of this is inappropriate or offensive. I am too shy to talk to either of my therapists about the nitty gritty and I want to heal!!
So that is a huge deal for me to understand about myself and then there is this: My engaging in risky, anonymous, and even dangerous same sex activities. As far as I know I am straight. But when certain conditions arise - anything really that starts triggering feelings/thoughts of no self-worth, shame, etc... I will go on hookup apps or sites or even stop in at one of our local adult bookstores/theaters and basically allow myself to be groped, grabbed, mouths, erections, etc. I do get horny, sure - but often do not get aroused or even ejaculate in these encounters. I basically want to be used, physically hurt, etc. I use protection about half the time and have never swallowed a man's sperm but have gotten mouthfulls. I also let guys penetrate me with or without condoms. I have heard about Prep but don't dare risking my wife finding out (she has articulated being grossed out by anal sex and isn't into watching 2 men). Yet I expose myself to major STDs and diseases probably 2 times a year - sometimes with multiple guys in a day or 2. Then shame and disgust hit me so hard that it has actually kept me from meeting any guys for sex because I am afraid I might really harm myself from shame if I do it again. But the last 3 days I have been cruising the old websites and sharing naughty intimate pictures of myself with strangers, using our sex toys on myself and not nicely or gently... But thankfully dildo's don't seem to spiral me into self hate and thoughts of harm. But I tease nearby guys and am so close to going and satisfying this dark part of myself I don't understand.
So my questions are: Are there any tools for getting that dangerous sexual part of myself out before engaging in super degrading sexual behaviors? Are there any others with a similar experience? Am I bi or gay and totally in denial (sorry to be blunt - but as soon as I orgasm, i lose ALL arousal at the thought of being intimate with another man. If I am just masterbating to fantasies, I could be aroused enough by the next day, however, to offer myself to strange guys to do what they want to me. When I have met with guys in real life, I literally flee after I have orgasm'd and feel disgusted and gross for months. But then... 2 or 3 months pass and I seem to get restless. And any thoughts on mfm with my wife? She likes having other guys want her and we still recall our adventures when making love. So maybe we are just a "stag vixen" couple. But I am so confused and with my sexual arousal being amped up lately I am asking for help to keep from acting on them. It is very dangerous for me but when I get to a certain place with it, I become almost a zombie - detached. Just go present myself and take what comes.
I apologize if any of this is inappropriate or offensive. I am too shy to talk to either of my therapists about the nitty gritty and I want to heal!!