Relationship I’m stumped please help

[Freida]

want to be able to pinpoint when it starts to get bad, so he can tell me he needs space..

yea - ...no. That's probably not going to happen. I need space when I need space. Maybe there is a run up to it - maybe it happens when I get out of the wrong side of bed. This is PTSD. There is no pinpoint. There can be signs that can come and go, anniversary reactions, etc, but..... mostly it happens when it happens. Hubby can sometimes see me starting to tank but he can't stop it. that part is up to me.

 

[JM318]

My boyfriend does the same where I ask for more time together and he ignores it, then when it comes up...

Mine def pushes me away for desperate need of space. At first I threatened to leave bc I’m tired of feeling lonely and being rejected lately, it’s not hard to put some effort in (for most of us). The first time leaving was even brought up, he told me “no that’s not the answer” and he didn’t want that. I was relieved bc it was the first time I was running away and he wasn’t for once. But as time went by and I said it again in another argument, he came home 24 hours later and said, “I think you need to consider living somewhere else” and now the tables have turned again. He says really mean things to push me away. When I entertained the idea of giving space.. he said, “you are staying at a friends to give me time?” So that makes me think, okay maybe he doesn’t want to break up, maybe he just needs time? And that’s basically what we decided. I have a feeling a week or so isn’t going to be long enough for him and he’s going to tell me to move out. If I move out, I’m not coming back to him again. This has happened too much and I’ve told him in the past that he needs proper help so that we can “be”. He went from agreeing to that, to hating counseling, stopped going, and now he just thinks he’s fine and doesn’t need help. I’m at a dead end.

 

[JM318]

My boyfriend does the same where I ask for more time together and he ignores it, then when it comes up...

We are the enemy. And mine does the same exact thing. He’s so hot and cold right now; we are broken up and I’m moving out tomorrow. I’ve kept myself busy, and even I get blamed for that. I’ve gotten angry text messages like “can you wait to move out before you start dating?”.. I ignored. I am allowed to have a life and friends- male or female, period. I went shooting to de-stress and I’m the worst person in the world- and of course that’s when he says, “I was GOING TO communicate and try to make this work, but since I saw that on Snapchat, you made up my mind for me”.... NO YOU WEREN'T. He just wanted to know who I hung out with; he had no intentions of working things out. He told me he plans to date and I told him, that’s his choice, but he will see the same cycle with anyone he replaces me with. It’s not our relationship that’s the problem. It’s frustrating because it sounds like he was getting on board with therapy, and that was his excuse out: my snapchat story (Unbelievable). Everything I do is wrong; I’m damned if I do, and I’m damned if I don’t. Is he playing games at this point? It went from a productive conversation to being at each other’s throats, so I told him we need to take a step back and stop talking for now. He’s denying the diagnosis, then telling me he can sue me for defamation of character. I told him please, file suit, because this has hindered my life for the last 4 years... I give you “anxiety” because I’m the only one who pushes for your healing, because it affects MY LIFE on a daily basis (and of course his and our life together). I’ve done everything I could with what I have. I see a therapist, I read up and post on this forum, I ordered books, I’ve educated myself... “what nerve I have caring for you, right? How dare me!” He is his own worst enemy and he is delaying his own healing. I told him I will not come back this time unless he has shown me he is committed to treatment. I’m SO SORRY for venting this out to you, this week was shit!

 

[EveHarrington]

We are the enemy. And mine does the same exact thing. He’s so hot and cold right now; we are broken up...

If he’s threatening legal action, cut him off completely (aside from move out conversations). Once you have all your stuff, block him everywhere.

 

[JM318]

If he’s threatening legal action, cut him off completely (aside from move out conversations). O...

He’s threatened filing a suit, but I’m almost positive he was bluffing. I told him to go ahead and do it, because he has been diagnosed with PTSD, and he doesn’t want anyone to know, it’s his excuse for not getting help and like you’ve said “he’s in a muck of denial.” I don’t speak freely to whoever about it.. only our family, because my brother and his mom were both there during his first breakdown, my therapist and our close friends. He doesn’t want the “stigma” and he is paranoid about it. I told him we care about him and no one looks at him negatively like he thinks. He then told me he didn’t want to go to court, he just doesn’t want anyone to know our business. This was after the fact he had posted on Facebook letting everyone know we broke up again and referring to me as his “crazy ex gf”... so he’s humiliating me and making me look awful so that no one looks at him negatively. I’m moving tomorrow and I won’t speak to him again. It’s not productive arguing with him, and he won’t agree to treatment.

 

[Mytime]

Sorry he’s being an a**. I hope your move goes well tomorrow.

 

[Freida]

I'm so sorry both of you are having to deal with this. Ptsd...the gift that keeps on giving..:(

 

[JM318]

I'm so sorry both of you are having to deal with this. Ptsd...the gift that keeps on giving..:([/QUOTE...

Yeah, I wish we can return the gift, it sucks.

 

[dulcia]

Does PTSD cause the sufferer to point blame at the supporter and/or the relationship?

My ex blamed me for everything. Who I was, where my family came from, where I went to school, how I was raised.....all things he blamed our problems on. In the end, I don't know what caused it -- PTSD, being an ass, lack of communication -- but I realized that's not how healthy relationships function.

 

[JM318]

My ex blamed me for everything. Who I was, where my family came from, where I went to school, how I was...

That’s because it’s easier to put blame on the person you love rather than take responsibility for the real issue. How long has it been since you split up? Do you remain in contact? I am not contacting my ex anymore but I know I’ll see him around because of mutual friends, I’m just not sure how that’ll go now that we’re “done” :/ all the other times we broke up I knew we’d find a way back to each other but I’m having mixed feelings on whether or not I would be open to that again.

 

[dulcia]

We split up nine months ago. I went full no contact maybe 7 months ago, but he has continued up until about three or four months ago.

 

[Friday]

First off, I completely agree he’s being a major asshole, right now. Not in question in the least.

he has been diagnosed with PTSD, and he doesn’t want anyone to know, it’s his excuse for not getting help and like you’ve said “he’s in a muck of denial.” I don’t speak freely to whoever about it.. only our family, because my brother and his mom were both there during his first breakdown, my therapist and our close friends.

I would absolutely break up with you over this. That is a huge number of people to be talking about something I’ve asked to be kept private. Even one person would be a major breech of trust, and very close to -if not outright- betrayal. Substitute one person with “everyone who matters to me”? Game over. There wouldn’t be any coming back from that.

My best friend of 20 years, however, would break up with me (if we were dating, which we’re not, just to illustrate how very different people who love each other can be!) if I insisted on that level of discretion with her. She could grant me not talking with MY family, MY friends, & OUR friends... but she would never tolerate for a moment my dictating what she shares of her life to her friends & her family. While I trust her? There’s no way in hell I would even begin to trust every person she told, to not tell others. (3 people can keep a secret if 2 of them are dead). So unless there was no possibility of her friends and family ever interacting with my friends and family, or our mutual friends? I wouldn’t be okay with her sharing MY life with others. Whilst she wouldn’t be okay with not sharing HER OWN life with others. (And if we were dating, I would be a big part of her life). <<< This right here puts us at logger heads... because our needs in this area are polar opposites. Not just wants, but needs, in a relationship in order to trust and be happy with our partners.

So I wouldn’t see this as blaming the other person, and not taking responsibility. I would see this as irreconcilable differences / conflicting core values.