I Am Selfish

[Queen Boudica]

Fear and negative and guilt and feeling selfish has ruled my life. It is a path I wish I did not take, but one I just did not understand or have any choice about because of my abuse and this condition and a mother who continously made me feel selfish and guilty

It is tough to try and turn that around and to try and push through and I still don't do it right, but I read your thing about thinking about yourself as selfish and feeling guilty I do that all the time think I am selfish and all it does is make me more selfish and down.

 

[nursenurse]

Lizio, it seems like a hamster wheel. I wish I could uplift you and Scared of Lonely to where you really belong in life. It is only recently that I realized the guilt and the shame that truly plague you folks, and I hurt for you. You should not have to feel this way, there is absolutely nothing any of you has done to bring this on. And I know that is much easier said than done. The Self says that you are a burden, that your problems are so horrible how could someone possibly want to like you, never mind love you? And there for the grace of God go we. Because as much as it isn't true, it is the reality within the mind. Hugs to those who want them.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I guess I just don't get it. I can't wrap my head around being 100% responsible for my behavior but at the same time I'm not supposed to feel guilty for it? I'm not supposed to feel bad for putting others through hell?

 

[rightkindofme]

For one thing, you can't evaluate what "going through hell" means to someone else. Maybe dealing with you would be hell for you but for someone else you are a minor irritation. :)

I went looking for a partner who was very weird. I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, even if I am complicated and difficult.

There are billions of lonely people. I get needing to break ties and move on. I get having attachment issues. I don't get giving up hope. There are so many people in the world who are not emotionally attached to the idea of your stress causing them discomfort. It can work out some how.

I don't do long term attachment well. I'm one of those ones who can go make a quick and easy new friend as long as I keep my standards low. :)

 

[Luke]

Celia, I want to express my gratefulness for your point of view. CaredofLonely... Again, I empathize with your thoughts & overall sentiments. I feel the same way. I've been expressing it for over a decade. Since I was in my early 20's I've pushed away everyone who ever truly tried to get close to me. Anyone & everyone who tried to wiggle under the armor.

It always seems (or seemed) so natural, so logical, so prudent, so... but then... I end up holding someone in my arms as they try to stifle there tears... & I feel like a callous monster! That can be the stark antithesis to my tacit "rules" about keeping my gentle little "distance" in order to protect both myself, & as I become convinced in my own mind... in order to protect this person from me. Protect them from the shameful & dark recesses of my sordid past & how it effects me no matter how ardently & adamantly I try to neglect & suppress it. Save them from having to experience my vacillating but indomitable feelings of being so damaged I'll never fully function again. Of being so wounded, I will likely never fully heal. Of being someone & something less than who & what they deserve.

In those lachrymose moments, I suddenly realize I've managed to avoid & protect nothing & no one. I don't know. The quivering countenance of these women, some of whom have actually screamed & yelled (as I stood there stoically but not devoid of compassion) as the tears streamed down their face. Well, those sounds & images haunt me. Perhaps, at times, just as much as the sights, sounds, pains, &... sometimes just as much as the source of my PTSD to begin with.

It's a mess frankly. I think all the opinions expressed here are valid. It's a complicated issue. It's hard to wrestle with hope. I, for one, can tire of grappling with what I convince myself are nearly impossible aspirations. Yet, the reality is... eventually someone is going to want your embrace. Someone is going to ask you to rekindle that hope. If not for yourself, then simply for, &/or in... them.

Anyway, that's my subjective babble.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thanks for all your replies. I've made my decision. I do a heck of a lot better when I'm by myself so that's pretty much what decided things for me. Not having to deal with the constant guilt; not hurting people with my PTSD behavior; just being able to be me and feel safe.

 

[celia]

We can all respect each others positions , feelings, and views. As long as we are always doing the best we can in our own process that works best for ourselves , it's probably all we can do. Everyone is worthy of love unconditionally because under all the trauma and experiences we've gone through, our beautiful souls live on and they are each perfect.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Love, maybe. Relationships, no.

 

[celia]

Ok why am I laughing ....

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Beats me!

 

[Ettina]

It's not selfish. You are not your PTSD - there's a whole lot more to you than that.

Your loved ones are sticking around because they care about you. And they're not fools - if they care, that means there's something about you that's worth caring about.

 

[saffy]

Is this really true though, or do they stick around out of guilt and feeling obliged, or pity, or feeling bad that they will be abandoning you, but really they want to not have the responsability anymore? I don't know.

That may be true in some cases, but is it true in all cases? I don't know

Hi Philippa

I understand that when we really feel bad about ourselves, like we are a burden or not worth others time and energy, it is very easy to take the negative side of our thoughts and beliefs.

I read on both parts that you say this may be true and is this really true? As you also say you are don't know.

What if we were to look at it as if these people DID want to stay around and be with you, support you, be a friend (for better and for worse), understood your position on things that might trigger, understood that sometime things will, be there because they value you as as their friend, want to show they can be responsible for your welfare and want you to trust them too as a friend.

If you believed this, instead of your current opposite views, would you feel selfish then?

Can anyone really say that the person who shows us concern or care is just doing this out of pity or duty? this does not say a lot about this person. How would you really know if this was the reason, what if they are genuine?

Sometimes I think that we can focus on negative thoughts about other people based on how we see ourselves. I.E, if I think I am a burden I am going to think everyone else must think that too. I have found out this is projecting our feelings onto others. Which is also a classic symptom of PTSD.

Instead I tried to look at the person as if they were the type just to do it out of pity. I realised they were not and I was assuming the wrong things instead of trusting them to be genuine.

I found when I thought like this I would attract and recognise the type of people who are genuine, based on how they are and how they treat others.

Of course I had to also believe that I was not a burden and was worth their concern.

Best wishes
Saffy :)