I Believe I Am Part Evil

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't see how intention matters. The end result is that I cause others great pain.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

It matters a great deal. If it's intentional there would be some basis for guilt. If unintentional it's a result.

Your accepting this huge burden of guilt on your shoulders. Your seeing and accepting it as a burden when it's not there.

Like a Mirage in the desert when your suffering from dehydration you would swear it water and it's real. In reality it's not there and not suffering from dehydration you know it's not real. Suffering clouds our thinking.

I know for myself when my anxiety is up I can see those Mirages. When suffering it can seem all too overwhelming. The ghosts when seen still make you hurt even though they don't exist.

Your pain is real but undeserved.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

How can I not feel guilty when everyone hates me for how I behave? I am an embarrassment whenever I have a flashback or panic attack. Nobody wants to be around me as a result. I just want to isolate forever. I make a new friend, they see me get stressed and call me crazy, so that's the end of that. I'm better off alone.

 

[Blood Tears]

Sometimes it happens with me also. Well, the mirage thing you are saying is absolutely exsists when the feelings of guilt comes forward. I hope there are solution for everything.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Scratch that, I'd be better off dead. Nobody would miss me and no more guilt for being a burden or spreading evil.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I've felt that way too but that's the clouded judgement from the suffering. You really should call your Therapist. It's pretty obvious your very stressed.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm not suicidal!! I was just saying!! I'm not hurting myself!!

She's abroad for over two weeks.

 

[zbztster]

I have good days and I have bad days. Today I'm having a bad day. I just worked a good job and made some money then the car broke down and cost me a chunk I couldn't afford. On bad days like this I feel the evil in my heart tearing at me. I know I'm a good person. I've spent my life helping others out of misery. That's what got me in this condition. I know I am loving but there's so much hate hiding in the shadows. I don't want the evil to consume me. So I fight through, meditate, breathe, whatever it takes. I have fewer and fewer of these evil days but maybe that why each one seems so bad. I know there is light, I know I can walk in it. I just wish there were a fail safe way to keep from slipping back into this shit over and over and over and over again.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

There has to be somebody on call. I try to keep a safety plan in my head and calling my T is one of them.

There are no magic spells to make you better but you can get better. There are over 11,000 Members here who may struggle but it does get better.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Oh my god. I'm not in danger of hurting myself so I don't need to call anyone!

Suicidal discussion/ideation is OK until it reaches the point where you can't keep yourself safe. At this point outside intervention is necessary. Please don't second guess the system that was set up for me five therapists ago and still works.

 

[DharmaGirl]

All I can add is that your advice has helped others on this forum, and they in turn have passed it on to me resulting in my life being saved. I also know how it feels to be evil, because evil was done to me, but there is good in you too. You have helped people too.

 

[Shellbell]

I agree that you cannot be evil if you are attending therapy and trying to change. Evil wouldn'd do that - evil would be refusing therapy and planning their next way to cause pain and harm. You are not doing that - you are not evil. You have seen evil at work by what was done to you, but that doesn't make you evil.

I think that you don't want people to be uncomfortable by you unintentionally causing them discomfort through seeing your anxiety, flasbacks etc. That's because you are GOOD! You care about others - that isn't evil at all! Evil would love and delight and relish in causing someone's else's pain - I have seen that. That is not what you descibe as how you feel at all.

You really are NOT evil, someone just did a really good job of making you think you are. I agree there is hope because you are good, you are suffering but you are good.