I Called In Sick To Work

[greenunflower]

On Wed I had an appt with my therapist, where we talked a lot about the lack of control I felt during my pregnancy. How it was a vortex of out of controllness, that ended in me being within inches of death, delivering my child prematurly, and her being in the NICU. It all happened at a break neck out of control pace, yet the suffering went so slow.

So many of my triggers for PTSD surround control. We really dug into that in therapy and that sent me into what I call a "panic episode." Where a trigger tips me off, and I can have days of a panic state.

I work 5 days a week as an ER nurse, which is good and bad. I have my therapy appt, then one hour to recuperate, and then I go to work. But now that we are getting more into just how PTSD is controlling my life it is getting harder. Not to mention more PTSD is becoming evident as my life is becoming less hectic, and I am leaving the post partum period.

So yesterday's appt, set me into panic. I was able to control most of it with meds, but by the time I got home, I was exhausted from all the PRN meds, and from being so hyperalert, and from my social phobia, and the panic.

Today when I woke up, I felt like I had had to bottles of red wine the night before. So I called in sick. I am union, so as long as I have a doc's note, I cant get in trouble (my pdoc will write one easily).

It just feels like such a failure to have to call in sick. Usually I can take PRN meds and work through the panic, and then work after the panic. This time I was still tearful when I got to work, and this morning I just couldnt go to work.

It felt so good though. To not have to interact with anybody. To feed the agoraphobia.

Oh and what is dissociation. I have all these symptoms and I dont know what they are called.

 

[tryintobreathe]

Green,

I don't know exactly what is going on but I sure can relate to so much of what you wrote in your post. I know I feel extremely drained after my therapy sessions. I had a similar experience with the birth of my first son, and I very much understand the need for control. That is a hard one once you become a parent. Some days when I get home from work, I just have to crash and and go in my room and sleep. I feel like I'm 90 sometimes!
I also hate to miss work, I am superwoman afterall!

Don't be so hard on yourself for calling in. You're going through a lot...give yourself a break!

Jen

 

[JohnnyM53]

Ahh yes, the I feel guilty when I call in sick syndrome. I hated that one.

The trouble I found was not so much calling sick, as it would have been understandable if it was related to my heart. The problem is that, IMO, many people can't see mental illness, can't understand it unless they go through it, and many of them believe many of us are faking it...until it happens to them.

Many of those who have it often feel it's their fault, their personality, their attitude.

It's a guilt trip I hated so much I'd often call in to say I was simply taking yet another day of vacation leave.

 

[Grama-Herc]

I know exactly how you are feeling, word for word.

I was a unit secretary(ward clerk) in several units, including SICU, RICU,CICU and of course the usual ER.

Prior to my diagnosis(breakdown) I went from missing 6 days of work per year to missing 60. I quit my job and moved on to working in my doctors office to avoid
being fired from the hospital. I basically lost that job too! The office manager gave me a choice--get help or get fired.

I would literally get physically sick about 2 hours prior to my shift, and I mean seriously sick. I was calling off more and more. The guilt, the fear of being fired, all the self imposed crap we pile on ourselves, I know them. On the days I would call of from work, I was in bed, covers over my head, phone turned off and allowing the agoraphobia to run its' course.

I know for certain that I would never have been able to go to work after a therapy session, especially working in the ER. I admire you for being able to go when you can. Therapy is physically and mentally exhausting.

I do "get it" and feel for you. But please, get a handle on the agoraphobia. I don't ever want anyone to sink to the depth of this malady that I have. Agoraphobia can run and ruin your life.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

I have my appts at night - after work before I head home. I can't imagine going to work after an appt. No wonder you felt so badly the next day.

Sometimes work can be a "distraction" - other times we just can't do it. Feeling guilty for missing work is only feeding the PTSD "monster". You were not well and you were not able to go to work that day.

Having said that - I do the same thing (smile) - I often come to work when I shouldn't be here, I often feel extremely guilty if I call out of work. Over time it has gotten a little easier to acknowledge to myself that my mental health is just as important as my physical health and that actually when I'm not mentally healthy - my physical health gets worse and worse.

I hope you are feeling better today.

 

[onebravegirl]

Sometimes we think we need rest but what helps the most is mental refreshment. Isolation is very dangerous. The world seems smaller and smaller the more we avoid it. Funny how it then tends to feel darker also. Can I ask are you doing anything refreshing for yourself? Like a brisk walk or deeply breathing Fresh Air? I call then Air Cocktails and sometimes even ten of them will help me feel grounded. Even just looking up. Literally looking UP, at the huge beautiful sky. Little exercises like these can help us see the world as bigger and more expansive than just -in your case-and emerge room. I suggest you grant yourself so little moments of Peace, outside of what your regular routine. Sometime being on a hill or even a place with a bit of a view can help us get a larger perspective and give us a bit of hope and strength.
Just a thought, and oh, try not to "should" on yourself, it gets messy!
O

 

[Manic11]

It felt so good though. To not have to interact with anybody. To feed the agoraphobia.

Oh and what is dissociation. I have all these symptoms and I dont know what they are called.

Yes! I definitely have been in the same situation. I know what you mean by it felts so good!
I agree, its not good to isolate yourself and to feed into the agoraphobia but when it's just a day or two I look at it as taking an emotional break from some of my anxiety. Just so I can relax, my anxiety won't be bothering me and I can function and breath properly.

I hope you're continuing to feel better. Take care of yourself.

Manic

 

[Nicky31]

Hello Green,

I wanted to say that your experiences post therapy are ok. Don't underestimate how it might stir stuff up and how it might also take a day or several days to really process what has been said and for it to start making sense and settle with you.

Try not to be hard on yourself for needing to give yourself a bit of space. Listening to yourself in terms of whether or not you feel "safe" to return to work is so important, as it can trigger further panic and exaccerbate your intrusive symtoms. I had therapy last Thursday and have had the week from hell since. It really touched on some deep stuff which I'm so grateful for, as in the long run it will help no end. It's not that I was too traumatised to return to work, I was simply processing the content and then exhausted from it. I had a severe panic attack over the weekend and today is really the first day I have felt on form again- a week later. I'm hoping I might now be able to tell my partner about the session now. I wasn't able to before as it seemed too much to revisit everything.

It might be an idea to think about getting more time off immediately after your sessions or having the rest of the day off afterward. It's really important that you have a real chance to recoup and process afterward so that you get the most out of the therapy and have the best chance of recovery. How do you feel about asking management about this? :think:

Look after yourself today,
Nicky

 

[Mina]

I've done that too, Greenunflower. I also felt like a failure because of it, but did reason that it was better than going to work and making mistakes and wasting the employer's money. Sometimes cutting yourself some slack is okay and necessary, even.

Is there a way you can schedule therapy for another time - perhaps after a work shift instead of before, or on your weekend or days off? I've found that helped me. A year and a half into therapy and I still won't plan anything for the evening after I've had a session (usually 4:00 or 5:00pm, after a workday).

If you do a search on disassociation, you will come up with many posts and threads about it. To find specific threads about this topic, choose Search >> Advanced Search and search on "disassociation" in "Titles Only."