Relationship I Can't Seem To Get It Together

[Seeking]

It's been a hard 3 weeks. My boyfriend who was diagnosed with PTSD around 2 years ago right at the end of his military career is just a different man. He's been deployed several times and seen combat that he does not discuss. Initially when we first started dating, which was 3 years ago, he was, in my eyes"normal" if there is such a thing(and I know it's not). But, although it had been several years since seeing combat, recently the PTSD is front and center. He goes to the VA and is on prozac but his moods or periods of isolation are up and down all the time. I don't think it's helping. Now, he does not call, does not answer when I call, does not text or respond to my text. I am about to lose it. On Monday I did text him and said that based off of a previous conversation that he and I had, when he goes through periods like this I would chill out. So, I told him I'm going to chill out, pray and I'm here. He did reply THANK YOU. I only have the THANK YOU to hold onto. I am hoping that he will call soon because the pain is just terrible. Over the past 3 years he has gone through "phases" as he calls it where he checks out for weeks but slowly begins to text, or call, something. The last time it happened that's when I thought I had a game plan. I asked him specifically what I should do when it happens and he said "CHILL out." I am human and I am taking it personal though. We had a disagreement and now I know, I triggered this. I keep going back and forth like is it over? He is mad about the disagreement? I am learning more and more about PTSD and realize he is sick but it's still hard to accept, even with a game plan. I'm trying to hang on. I have made an appointment to see a psychiatrist because I need help dealing with it. I am that woman that truly has his back and will be there for him. I just need to continue reminding myself PROZAC, PTSD.........ITS NOT ME, or is it? See, I'm all messed up, Help someone..........

 

[grimalkin]

Something our (my and hub's) counselor, as well as my own, personal counselor, have reiterated over and over - even though *I* was his trigger, it is literally not about me. He says it is, but it really is not. It is him, and his demon. If I hadn't don't or said the thing that did trigger him, it would have been something else I did or said.

Yes, it takes two to make a relationship, and under "normal" circumstances, that is the case. I have learned, too slowly for my own relationship (I wish I had known all this...8 years ago now, when we first met), but very quickly since I've finally gotten a name for the demon that is PTSD (in the last five-ish months), this is anything but "normal." I wish I'd listened when he said I needed to just leave him be.

Will your beloved be come back? I have no idea. But it is not you.

*hugs if you want them* There are great people on here. I hope you find support for you. Loving someone with PTSD is crazy-making on its own, and the best thing you can do for your loved one is support yourself.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

Join the club. They do this. And you didn't trigger anything. He was triggered before the fight even started more than likely. One thing you need to realize is that you can't walk on eggshells 24/7 around him. If you do, you're not dating a Combat Vet with PTSD. You're dating a SPOILED BRAT Combat Vet with PTSD.

Don't get me wrong, there's certain things that I do to not trigger my Vet like letting him know when I'm on the way or not pounding on the door loudly when I get there. But there's other things that I DO NOT accept anymore. One of them is not saying what's on my mind when his behavior is bugging me. I tell him how it is and then let him sort it out. There's a difference between triggering him and not letting him take advantage of you.

And you made an appointment with a psychiatrist or a therapist? Therapy will help you with the hot/cold personality problems. They also are famous for this one. Don't let it get to you.

How long have you been dating the Vet and what are your expectations with this relationship???

 

[Seeking]

We've been dating for 3 years. I met him about 13 years ago. He happens to be my cousins best bud and he's always had this "thing for me." It was kinda cute. So 3 years ago when we first started dating It was like amazing. It was like God allowed life to happen and us to reconnect and really connect on a friendship, loving and spiritual level. This guy and I couldn't get enough of each other like my friend my lover just a great relationship. I really believe after 20 years in the military and they force you to retire, it shook him, it was all he knew and he loved it. Prior to retirement we knew we both wanted to marry. I was clear and so was he, we were dating to marry. Just a stand up guy. Weve been in a monogamus relationship and a very fun and loving one, he's my bestie. lol he moved to my city after retiring, took a job and has been around my family and I around his kids and now look, total isolation. I think i did trigger it because I gave him a 3 page letter saying hey dude where is this going and he just couldn't deal. He's like I'm trying to work on me and at the time I couldn't understand it. I'm like what about us. This man that ive seen have a hard time with feelings and being numb just couldn't take it. ALthough he does tell me he loves and misses me, in my mind Im like show it! That's just me but I miss my guy from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. I just knew God blessed us and this was my husband and I his wife. I'm just confused.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

We've been dating for 3 years. I met him about 13 years ago. He happens to be my cousins best bud and h...

You say that you triggered it yet, what prompted you to write the letter??? My guess is that he was at the beginning of a downward spiral to begin with. They tend to do that.

Just check in with him daily and see how he is. Even if he doesn't text back, let him know that you're thinking of him. I think that one thing that we get is afraid to say what we feel. But you wouldn't believe how much more respect you get when you tell him off. Well, if he's anything like my Vet. Mine will try being an idiot and then I let him have it and then he mellows out. Yesterday mine tried going into "super dick mode" as I call it and I told him to go call another damn Vet and get it off his chest and stop being an asshole to me. His response was " Don't know what your problem is, I'm just doing math."...LOL. As in, oh I'm being stupid, let's change the subject.

I think that as a partner of someone we know that is ill, we have a tendency to try to caretake too much. I know I'm guilty. I'm codependent as hell due to a chronically ill mother. But then I step back and say to myself, would I allow anyone else to pull this crap? And the answer is no. You don't demand respect. You earn it. So by being there and not allowing the monster inside of his head to come out, you are doing him a favor.

Another thing while I am thinking of it, I NEVER bring up the future with my Vet. EVER. I don't talk about much more than maybe 2-3 weeks in advance. I invite him to things at the last minute and he doesn't seem to mind. Probably because he doesn't want to think that far ahead. Or should I say, CAN'T think that far ahead.

Understanding this PTSD thing is very hard. But you're not out of your mind. It's a game of hot and cold like you're dating in high school but the difference is that your Vet REALLY likes you and cares about you. He just doesn't know how to express it. :wideeyed:

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

I think i did trigger it because I gave him a 3 page letter saying hey dude where is this going and he just couldn't deal. He's like I'm trying to work on me and at the time I couldn't understand it. I'm like what about us. This man that ive seen have a hard time with feelings and being numb just couldn't take it.

This is where I can clearly see this stressing him out intensely. As much as you need to express your feelings and emotions in a relationship, and as much as he's going to have to deal with actually communicating with people he cares about even if he's trying to work on himself, 3 pages seems a little much. It bombards the suffer with way too much information, and probably a f*ckton of emotions. And of course, negative emotions of any kind stresses anyone out. Add that with PTSD and you have that "yeah I'm going to isolate from the world and I'm never coming back out" result.

When my sufferer was stressed out or isolating and I wanted to communicate my feelings, I was direct, sharp, and to the point. I didn't dwell on my emotions or try to get her to 'remember all the good memories' or 'I just want my best friend back'. Because that did absoutely nothing to help any of us. "Hey, listen, as of recently, I've been feeling like X whenever you do Y. I get that you're stressed out, but I still don't appreciate this being done, and this is still something that I want to address in our relationship." If she started getting angry and berate/attack me, I often then said, "I understand your anger, but clearly you are in no state to rationally and maturely talk about this. I will speak with you when you are in a calmer mindset." More often than not, the one-line sentences and the straightforward boundaries helped and provided a more positive answer (over time) than a negative and emotionally driven one.

You demanding basic respect and straightforward treatment does not mean you triggered your vet. Will you stress him out? Yes. But sorry, that's going to be unavoidable and necessary when dealing with PTSD. Yes, he's going to be numb. Yes, he's going to be struggling. Yes, give him space and time. But relationships all come down to compromise. When he's in a better 'state' (not perfect mind you), try and see if you can find compromises in communications, even when he's isolating. For example, with my sufferer, we managed to compromise at the bare minimum of saying either goodmorning, or goodnight every day by text. If she either didn't do it or refused to, the next time she messaged me at an opportune moment, I would address my feelings again. It was a vicious cycle, and it was very, VERY hard to get her to comply. But over time, she figured out that sending a single, one-word text every day was easier than her stressing out and getting angry whenever I asked her about it. I made exceptions for particularly awful days. But otherwise, you put /effort/. A relationship of any kind requires effort, disorder or not.

Be there for him, and be supportive, but if your needs aren't being met, the correct answer is NOT to never have your needs met. That doesn't show evidence of a kind and selfless person. That is evidence of a very broken and trampled person.

 

[Seeking]

Thank you. I did just send a text to him with no expectations of a response. Just taking your advice and letting him know Im still here and thinking of him. I will say this, he's not blocked me or asked me not to communicate with him so I take that to be a good thing. I just want this phase to end but hey, this is it, I'm here. Just 2 weeks ago he told me he loved and missed me, now it's nothing. Oh well, time will tell for the both of us. The love of my life.........wow:)

 

[Seeking]

I told him I was thinking of him and I'm a text or call away whenever he's ready. I support him and I was that ride or die chic :) He just replied with a THANK YOU. That thank you has made my day. Just knowing although he is not ready, he's not gone (I pray). I keep praying for him and believing that God will bring him through.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

I told him I was thinking of him and I'm a text or call away whenever he's ready. I support him and I w...

God helps those that help themselves. And I agree with RecedingMoonlight. You need to set boundaries. But in as minimal of a way as possible. Get to the point and address one issue at a time.

Also keep in mind, Combat Vets are pretty good at playing normal at first. I didn't realize that my Vet had PTSD until I scared the crap outta him a few times. I was utterly perplexed with his hot/cold behaviors until I got on here. I seriously thought he might be bipolar. But the easy startling and obsessive projects didn't quite fit. PTSD it is!!!

He's not gone, I'm sure. He's just stepping back. Let him miss you. He will, I'm sure.