I Could Hardly Keep It Together During Class

[InsideAWord]

So, this was my finals week and now my semester is over. I have two more semesters until I graduate.

I'm in college to become an English teacher. I have a very obnoxious, slightly crazy and creative personality just because that's just who I am. I've always been that way because my passion has always been writing and reading, and I want others to be just as insane about English as I am.

Today, we had to basically give a summary of the unit that we've been creating this whole semester to the rest of the class. In my class, there are two girls I cannot stand because they're so judgmental, privileged, and constantly say nasty things to each other about other people in the class and snigger.

While I was giving my summary, they kept laughing to each other about something and the professor did nothing. Finally, one of the girls asked a question that was meant to make my unit look bad because I had my unit assessment as a mock-trial where the students study dynamic characters and see if the main character redeemed himself / herself by the end of the literature (it's meant to study character development).

I left class to go take a walk because I was so anxious and so angry that I had to pop two of my anti-anxiety pills. for the rest of the class (the class is 3 hours long) I was shaking and antsy to leave class.


Now, I'm home and drunk. What is wrong with me?! I hate those two girls yet it bothered me so badly when they try to make me look bad and incompetent.

 

[franciemarnie]

What jerks they were. I bet you if they were alone they would never act like that. I went to school with a lot of girls like them. It's pathetic. They put others down in order to feel superior. But it isn't real and their temporary feeling of superiority doesn't last so they keep doing that to lots of people, not just you.

You did something good and nothing anyone says, including jealous people, can change that. They must feel like nothing inside to make fun of others. It is mean and I might have felt regressed to grade school and high school which is where I saw it the most.

I am sorry that you had to endure that. Sometimes people don't act the way they know in their hearts they should. They gang up, but when they are alone, they feel very very small and empty.

 

[InsideAWord]

It's so funny you say that because earlier in the year I slightly opened up to one of the girls. I said that what I said about education may have seemed a bit pretentious and arrogant, but it was because I had a few years working in a paraprofessional position for students with behavioral / emotional disorders. I have a better grip on students than most of these people do.

So, I was basically in the middle of class freaking out because I was contiously disassociating and anxiously awaiting the next snide, sarcastic remark they would respond with after I made a constructive comment to one of my classmates.

For the record, I want to clarify that I was in a Gifted and Talented class in elementary school and middle school
(just because I know that everyone on this website is super smart and it actually surprises me). Also, I wrote a 256 page novel when I was in 6th grade. So, I'm not an idiot.

 

[InsideAWord]

While I was giving my summary, they kept laughing to each other about something and the professor did nothing. Finally, one of the girls asked a question that was meant to make my unit look bad because I had my unit assessment as a mock-trial where the students study dynamic characters and see if the main character redeemed himself / herself by the end of the literature (it's meant to study character development).

I left class to go take a walk because I was so anxious and so angry that I had to pop two of my anti-anxiety pills. for the rest of the class (the class is 3 hours long) I was shaking and antsy to leave class.

Is this typical for PTSD? Am I just going to have really heinous reactions to people whenever they judge me?

 

[franciemarnie]

I think there are symptoms typical to or frequently characteristic of PTSD, and I think - and Im no professional - that being triggered by people, places and things reminiscent of your trauma are typical of PTSD.

I think anyone, PTSD or no, would be, at the very least, annoyed by the behavior of these girls. If their behavior triggered you into dissociation or a flashback, etc., then it would be an issue to work thru in therapy I would think and possibly related to your PTSD. If they didn't trigger you, and you are responding with extreme discomfort as an individual sensitive to rude behavior like other people would be to various degrees, then I don't think it's PTSD. It could be just part of the human experience, the human condition.

If these girls do this to other people, and I have no doubt they do, no one is going to like it. When I was in college long ago and far away and dealing with PTSD without knowing that's what it was since they hadn't even named it yet, life was very difficult. It was like my nerves were exposed. I reacted to an extreme degree to any interactions with people. I felt everything very deeply. Part of that is being young I think and it goes away with experience. Not being able to finish sentences when speaking, not sleeping much, hypervigilance, etc. - that was part of PTSD. My sensitivity - I think part of that was feeling everything so deeply which is characteristic of youth, part of it was maybe having an artist's sensitivity.

It took many years for me to recognize that when others put you down, it is because they are jealous, intimidated, feeling threatened and/or insecure. Their behavior reflects them and how they feel - not you. But me having low self esteem then and a tenuous grasp on reality - other people's responses could be devastating. Absolutely devastating. I would have felt like you did.

I swear it will not always feel like this. But God I know it's hard.

 

[franciemarnie]

One other thing. If you grew up in a home where your reality was denied for years like me, then when you leave the home you leave with a tenuous grasp of interpersonal reality.

So for me, if someone said or implied that something I did or who I was was worthy of contempt or mocking, I would go crazy for a while because other people's take on me and my behavior trumped mine. Even though I knew it was false, I would feel it was somehow right due to the circumstances of my early trauma. In that case, it would have been related to my PTSD.

 

[Promicarus]

People enjoy hurting others only because they are tiny tiny spirits. Feel sad for them. Feel sorry for them. You know in your heart that you are better than that--and that those who ridicule others are at the very least, still emotional infants.

Have you ever heard of "the art of expectation"? In other words, when we've come to expect something, we somehow become a lightening rod for it. People have a sense for these things, and so a tendency to exploit weakness--and when we've become reoriented to the world as a dangerous rather than a safe place, through traumatic experiences--we're expecting more to come, as a result, even if only unconsciously. And we can broadcast that without being aware of it.

I'm not saying it's your fault, at all. On the contrary, I'm saying that I think it's a phenomenon many if not most with PTSD/trauma related symptoms would sympathize with. And your reaction wasn't crazy, at all. To be humiliated in public is actually one of the greatest fears, even for the average person (saw a study somewhere, can't remember where now. But that's why a fear of public speaking is often cited as ranking higher than a fear of death, in related studies).

I'm proud of you for going back to the class. That's what really took courage. You had a perfect excuse to turn tail and run, but you didn't. I think even many "normal" people would have taken that opportunity as an excuse. But you faced the feelings and walked through them, focusing instead on your responsibilities, in the form of completing an assigned class period. Kudos.

Did you have any contact with the girl(s) after the incident? Have they repeated the same or similar behavior, since? It's surprising that the professor didn't react-though I suppose when it's a class intended to prepare you for the classroom, his thinking might have been along the lines of "well, she's going to have to get used to worse than that, if she's teaching kids, adolescents especially."

In thinking about it, I may actually have been angrier at the professor. You can't really do anything about the fact that there are small spirits in the world, and that they can be found anywhere, and take any class they choose. But a professor is a figure of responsibility, with the responsibility to ensure that his classroom is orderly and conducive to learning, rather than a free-for-all opportunity for low-standard troublemakers to make their own entertainment. If it were me, I would approach the professor about it--not confrontationally, of course...but maybe just to feel as though I've taken some positive action in response, rather than allow myself to feel stifled and so, victimized. So often taking at least some positive constructive action in response can make the difference between feeling as though you have lost self-respect by allowing yourself to be victimized--and feeling as though you took some action...seemingly small difference, to appearances, maybe, but symbolically huge in terms of the difference between accepting victimhood or feeling as though you've "stood up", in at least some way.

Maybe the possibility of asking the professor a question to get some interaction with him regarding the incident--at least then you wouldn't have the feeling of "suffering in silence", and as though you've been seen as the "bigger person"...for example, simply asking, casually, "I was wondering if you had any advice as to how I could have best responded to the (girl's) attempts to undermine my presentation...in case I confront that behavior in the classroom. It made me very uncomfortable, but I realize that a large part of my discomfort originated in my uncertainty as to how to respond. I'd appreciate any help."

It may sound strange--but confronting a problem and feeling as though you've remained positive and proactive, rather than relenting, and "hiding your secret shame"...is always better, I've found. Somehow feeling as though I did nothing about it is worse in a way than the actual incident, itself. It means "I've accepted that as my 'rightful position', and in doing so, confirmed that I'm 'deserving of it'."
Maybe it's just me--but I learned at some point, fairly early, that even though this wasn't a conscious recognition or conscious acceptance of the behavior, it became an unconscious operating protocol, and that my feelings followed suit. Maybe it's "If I don't even stand up for myself, then maybe I do deserve that kind of treatment." An unconscious rationale. Any way, if you can feel as though you've done something positive and proactive rather than just kept your feelings and the incident secret, I think it's better in the long run. You regain some lost power. You're no longer "just a victim".

Again, congratulations on finishing the presentation, and then even returning to class. I think you're focusing on the wrong thing--you should be proud of your resilience fortitude and determination. Everyone gets some crap sometime or another--what makes you you is how you choose to respond. And you responded professionally and responsibly.

 

[RussH]

PTSD is not the only long-term effect of being traumatized. The fear of failure is one of them. When I first start looking into what is wrong with me in relation to substained bullying; it shocked me how much of my thought process and behaviors are being driven by my trauma. And it sounds like you are also suffering from several long-term effects associated with your trauma.

When those girls started do that in the class; it would have had the same effect on me. I have found that redicule and rejection are two things that can trigger a response in me. It sounds like the behavior of these girls could be one of your triggers.

Shame on those girls for acting that way, and shame on the professor for not stoping it.

 

[ms spock]

You are obviously creative and talented in a number of ways.

Could you next time focus on the people who are listening and attentive and reward them from a bag of tricks - like chocolate frogs, affirmation cards and jelly babies. Ask some questions and give attention to those that are listening. You could make it like a game. That will take the wind out of their sails of those (I want to use the name of a female dog but we don't swear on our forum do we?;))

I have a tendency to focus on the negative and not the positive so I understand your reactions and I think most people would be upset with people behaving like that when they are giving a presentation. Could you keep a few tricky questions and ask one of the girls one of those questions? And gently say it would be nice if you listened enough to be able to answer questions. Or say "Good point! Now who else has some good ideas?" Then look around the class.

There is a thing in animal training called capturing the behaviour you want to reinforce. Notice the good things that they said in their presentation and then say "When you gave your presentation I thought X,W and Z were insightful comments so I think you might enjoy my presentation as I extend and add to ideas you have raised." (Really notice the good things they do and focus on that.) Be generous and expansive and that will make them look like fools.

Also suggest everyone stand up and shake out that excess energy by waving their hands in the air or something and relate that to you presentation. I once got everyone to get on the ground and imagine that they are a modern day potatoes. Then I got everyone to imagine that they were a medieval potato and related that to how difficult it is as a modern day person to imagine what it is like to be alive during the middle ages.

Even saying something like "Would you mind quieting down please?" or "If you are unable to listen would you mind going outside for the rest of my presentation?"

Another technique is to just stop talking when they are talking and wait for them to finish.

Another technique is to use hats to represent main characters and pick people to come out and read a few lines as that character.

You could also say "I love high spirits and energy, let us use this constructively" - get one of them to come out the front and have some role in your presentation, such as chocolate frog dispenser when people get questions right.

You can also lower your voice to make it quiet so it brings attention to how raucous they are being and then you can say "Hey can we have a bit of fairness here - people were quiet when you gave your talk can you please return the courtesy?"

I think mostly ignoring these people is usually the way to go. But I offer some options from both sides of the fence.

You could also use their behaviour as a teaching tool. Such as saying now we have two people talking during my presentation. Any suggestions of how to manage this in a real life situation in the class room. These are some of the responses that you can give as a teacher in real life - then test out some strategies that you have or that are offered here. You could even have the strategies written down which you can pull out of a hat and get other students to try out on them.

Try not to take what they are doing personally. This is immature and childish behaviour. You could use this to your advantage - "How to deal with students in the class whom are high spirited." And get class participation to brainstorm how to manage this situation. Offer the pen or chalk to the person who comes up with a good strategy (so they get to write on the board) and get the whole class involved in managing their difficult and challenging behaviours. This is suggestion X how would you manage this, what would it look like? This is suggestion W do you think it is more or less effect than suggestion X? You could model best practice in dealing with difficult students.

 

[ms spock]

Again, congratulations on finishing the presentation, and then even returning to class. I think you're focusing on the wrong thing--you should be proud of your resilience fortitude and determination. Everyone gets some crap sometime or another--what makes you you is how you choose to respond. And you responded professionally and responsibly.

That is really well put Promicarus!

Your resilience, fortitude and determination are in evidence to be seen by you handling the initial situation and returning to the class. That is really good refocussing and reframing.

I'm proud of you for going back to the class. That's what really took courage. You had a perfect excuse to turn tail and run, but you didn't. I think even many "normal" people would have taken that opportunity as an excuse. But you faced the feelings and walked through them, focusing instead on your responsibilities, in the form of completing an assigned class period. Kudos.

It is something to be proud of indeed.

It's surprising that the professor didn't react-though I suppose when it's a class intended to prepare you for the classroom, his thinking might have been along the lines of "well, she's going to have to get used to worse than that, if she's teaching kids, adolescents especially."

I thought that too but it also shows the professor has some respect for your skills professionally as obviously you felt bad but also you managed it well enough for the professor not to feel like s/he needed to intervene so that is a type of compliment as well.

Maybe the possibility of asking the professor a question to get some interaction with him regarding the incident--at least then you wouldn't have the feeling of "suffering in silence", and as though you've been seen as the "bigger person"...for example, simply asking, casually, "I was wondering if you had any advice as to how I could have best responded to the (girl's) attempts to undermine my presentation...in case I confront that behavior in the classroom. It made me very uncomfortable, but I realize that a large part of my discomfort originated in my uncertainty as to how to respond. I'd appreciate any help."

And asking the professor for some feedback in that manner is clever and inspired. It lets the professor know you were aware of the problem and also that you are proactive in getting advice for managing it. Great suggestion. Do it when you are not so emotionally charged about it.

It may sound strange--but confronting a problem and feeling as though you've remained positive and proactive, rather than relenting, and "hiding your secret shame"...is always better, I've found. Somehow feeling as though I did nothing about it is worse in a way than the actual incident, itself. It means "I've accepted that as my 'rightful position', and in doing so, confirmed that I'm 'deserving of it'."

Maybe it's just me--but I learned at some point, fairly early, that even though this wasn't a conscious recognition or conscious acceptance of the behavior, it became an unconscious operating protocol, and that my feelings followed suit. Maybe it's "If I don't even stand up for myself, then maybe I do deserve that kind of treatment." An unconscious rationale. Any way, if you can feel as though you've done something positive and proactive rather than just kept your feelings and the incident secret, I think it's better in the long run. You regain some lost power. You're no longer "just a victim".

This gave me pause for thought when I had negative feelings after the opening which had no PR and no journalists in attendance. Best to deal with rather than let it fester.

Even if naming the situation as it is rather than turning all that anxiety and anger inwards is a helpful exercise.