I don't matter - working through this core belief

[shimmerz]

From my point of view it is due to a lack of connection to yourself. When traumatized many times it is important to disconnect from ourselves and put the focus on the abuser's needs, wants, desires. It is a very dysfunctional connection, but a connection just the same.

I think the idea is to rebuild that connection with yourself; change your inner dialogue. Brushing your teeth? An inner dialogue would look something like this - I am taking care of my teeth because they matter to me. Eating healthy food? Inner dialogue goes a bit like - I love the way it helps me feel when I eat healthy foods. Every action is an opportunity to rebuild your connection back to your own physical, mental, emotional health. So many opportunities for recognition of your deserved-ness of self care. Slowly your relationship with yourself will switch and your understanding of how much you matter will come back into you authentically.

This is something that good parents teach their children. Absuive parents? Not so much. It isn't your fault.... but a wonder to go through the process of being able to instill it in yourself. Best wishes to you.

 

[Movingforward10]

This is landing really heavily for me. I don’t want to face these difficult truths.

It is that internal "I matter" that is the difficulty.
How do you learn how to matter for yourself

I think that is the difficulty.
And I have no idea how you learn to matter for yourself. How do you build a felt sense of that? Is there a felt sense of that?

 

[Movingforward10]

From my point of view it is due to a lack of connection to yourself.

Yeah, agreed.

Brushing your teeth? An inner dialogue would look something like this - I am taking care of my teeth because they matter to me. Eating healthy food? Inner dialogue goes a bit like - I love the way it helps me feel when I eat healthy foods. Every action is an opportunity to rebuild your connection back to your own physical, mental, emotional health.

So, this is where I come undone
Because I know that cleaning my teeth is a good thing and I do it (not properly but anyway). Washing myself I do all the time. Eating foods. Exercise. All those things that I know I'm meant to do, I do. Some I even enjoy doing.
But do I do those because I matter? No.
I do those so I don't smell and draw attention.
I do those so that I can blend in.
I do those because I'm supposed to and I will beat myself up if I don't.

So, the practical steps aren't (yet?) working for me to understand.

I even no longer drink in a problematic way or take drugs (been 21 years with the no drugs) not because a sense of mattering, or maybe it is and I just don't realise it? Idk.

I am confused.

 

[FMCA]

I can only go off my own experience but by doing all those things for yourself means you know deep down somewhere that you matter and you are looking after yourself. Think about each thing you do for yourself as being a lovely and caring thing to do. If someone else was doing all those things for you, you would know you mattered to them.

Sometimes when i think that i don't matter its because i feel lonely. It must be that for me anyway because i am looking after myself most of the time.

If you haven't taken drugs for 21 years and aren't drinking in a problematic way, it could just be you get lonely. Even in a crowded room we can feel lonely because no one "gets us". That if fantastic btw, abstaining from drugs and managing alcohol consumption.

Maybe you beat yourself up when you don't do the things to look after yourself because you are reminding yourself you do matter, that you are worth it and you do deserve it x

 

[Rose White]

If someone else was doing all those things for you, you would know you mattered to them.

This is helpful reframe for me personally, thank you.

 

[FMCA]

@Rose White , its something I only just realized when writing it. All the times I don't stick to my routines.....

 

[Deleted member 57157]

Hello.

Would you mind giving an example where you don't matter in your own view in everyday life?

It might be helpful to understand which type of "mattering" it is that you may be struggling with...