I don't take criticism or rejection well, do you?

[Changing4Best]

Criticism used to be a really big deal... til I did a lot of perceptual and mental filter work. R...

On the constructive thing, I see that more as "helpful hints" or "helpful suggestions" I guess. I can take these from my boss or something, and I do. I looked it up and found this link, which was interesting, so I will share it here for everyone's benefit:

How Smart People Respond to Constructive Criticism

However, what I have been talking about here is criticism from people who have basically, in so many words, said that they hate me. And the reasons that they hate me have been for things like that I don't like being teased or don't like being bossed around by someone who is NOT my boss and has no business telling me what I can or cannot do. There is nothing constructive about either of those things, in my opinion.

It doesn't bother me oddly enough (constructive or otherwise.) If I can take something from it, I take it...

I like your attitude. I need to adopt something like that with the non-helpful stuff! You are right, it is THEIR ISSUE!

 

[The Albatross]

@SheilaKathy "...what I have been talking about here is criticism from people who have basically, in so many words, said that they hate me."

In AA recovery many years ago, a wise peer, an elder librarian always cautioned me about caring too much about some people. She'd talk about the law or rule of 3rds (as it pertained to group or people dynamics): 1/3 of all you meet will like you straight away for no reason whatsoever. 1/3 will be neutral. 1/3 will not like you straight off no matter what you say or do. Focus on the opinions of the 2/3rds because the last group, well there's not likely anything you will ever say or do to improve their opinion of you.

 

[HSP]

I was talking with my therapist about not being able to take criticism well and she said that most...

You are undoubtedly a Highly Sensitive Person, as am I. Yes, it's really tough. You are definitely NOT ALONE, though. Take a look at the definition and you might find that it provides some co fort. You might also explore what's known as the bio-social theory in therapy circles. Best wishes to you!

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

What others think of me is truly none of my business. If they choose to or insist on making it my business, it's still their issue to tend to, not mine. Likewise, if I feel ill will towards another, it's my issue to deal with, not theirs.

Feedback is always welcomed. Some call it constructive criticism, some call it chiming in, others call it butting in, etc., etc. I've learned to take what i can use and let the rest of it go. Taking it personally only serves to drain me rather than enrich my life, so I have no use for that anymore.

It took a while to arrive in this space after a lifetime of being abused, bullied, used, and treated like shit. It still gets tricky on occasion, especially if I allow myself to project my wounds onto others and expect them to respond in certain ways.

Expectations rarely get met in the exact ways we expect them to, especially when expecting stuff from others. Letting go of those tired old expectations frees up energy to do other more pleasant things, at least that's how I experienced it.

 

[Deleted member 541]

If someone's says that they "hate you" then why would you care???? I wouldn't waste my time or energy on anyone that said they hated me. Unless, of course, you have deep feelings for this person and are deeply hurt by this?!?!? ?

 

[Changing4Best]

You are undoubtedly a Highly Sensitive Person, as am I. Yes, it's really tough. You are definitely NOT ALONE, though. Take...

Yes, my therapist even gave me a book one time about Highly Sensitive People and I read it and it indicated. The book defined us, but I don't remember it giving me any really useful advice, other than to recognize that I am that way and to deal with it as best as I can. Dealing with it is difficult, however. It really is!

If someone's says that they "hate you" then why would you care???? I wouldn't waste my time or energy on...

The person has made it his business in one case to make my life miserable by way of snide comments, and outright nastiness made to me directly or to others about me, often in my presence and sometimes to my boss or to others about me when I am able to hear what is being said (and sometimes when I am not present, but I get news of it later. Since it is taking place where I work, it affects me and I am having problems dealing with it. Since, I am a sensitive person, I cannot help but have it affect me. That is just the way I am. I wish sometimes that I were not so sensitive, but then I probably would not have been as good at my various jobs as I was, because all of them required me to be a sensitive person in order to do them well. I'm retired for the most part now, but I do have a small job. Even in this tiny part-time job, my sensitivity serves me well. It is just this other aspect of the job, that I was not counting upon, that has me flustered.

What others think of me is truly none of my business. If they choose to or insist on making...

I live in a part of this country where one can still USUALLY expect to be treated with respect. However, when folks move here from other areas of the country, they sometimes don't know that this is expected of them "yet" and so they are rude. Eventually they lose enough friends that they either get the message or move back to where they came from. This guy has not even lived here for a year yet, more like half a year, so we shall see. He may learn the ropes yet, or he may not....

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Not sure what that has to do with how I accept rejection or criticism, but okay. Keep expecting others to change, keep getting disappointed, speaking from my direct experiences only.

 

[Changing4Best]

I don't think there is anything wrong with having expectations. I was taught about manners when I was a kid. I think that most people were taught manners when they were kids also, but who knows, maybe I am wrong on that. Maybe I am assuming that and maybe parents in recent generations have not been teaching their kids manners, but it seems to me that, that is part of growing up, being taught what is "polite" and what isn't.

There is such a thing as what is called "common decency." I have heard that term used often. So I must not be the only person in this world who expects that folks would act with this thing called "common decency." If I am wrong, so be it. I am not going to let that go.

Yes, there are folks in this world that defy the unwritten laws of "common decency." Thankfully they are few and far between.

I also know that the world is changing. What used to be acceptable, is sometimes no longer acceptable, whereas what used to not be acceptable has become acceptable. Black is white and white is black, in other words. However, I don't have to agree with that!

 

[The Albatross]

Keep the pet peeve, keep the irritation, frustration and discontent.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I remember you specifically mentioning something not so kind about a "damn yankee" that had moved there who was significantly frustrating you quite a while back. (I don't have the patience to go searching through all of your posts to find it) If I recall correctly, another member responded who was actually from "yankee" territory, but I can't recall who, specifically.

If that's the same person you're referencing about moving there and supposedly not learning how to act yet, based on your definitions of how one should act, it seems it's simply an issue of your preconceived/pre-programmed judgements that you are projecting onto anyone who may have moved from that region. Is it truly common decency to hold on to and pass judgements in that manner?

My mother still uses derogatory terminology and broad statements in a similar fashion towards others who are different from her and remains cut off from many folks who pick up on her vibes and don't wish to spend time with that energy. I understand it's how many have been conditioned through the years based on a whole lot of bullshit being taught, but I also innerstand that choosing to stay attached to those beLIEfs can bring about much ongoing unnecessary misery, turmoil, and grief. It remains a personal choice, of course. May your choices enrich your life rather than continue to bring such inner turmoil and grief to the table.

 

[Beans]

I don't think there is anything wrong with having expectations. I was taught about manners when I w...

Until you accept fully you have no say in how others behave, you're going to have difficulty with this. There's no use in fighting reality.

How is Codependent No More going? I started reading it due to a recommendation in another one of your threads and it really hits this topic hard over and over, specifically the detachment chapter. I am in LOVE with that book! Barely halfway but taking the time to apply every chapter to my life is doing wonders!

 

[Changing4Best]

I remember you specifically mentioning something not so kind about a "damn yankee" that had m...

I was born a "Yankee" and raised as one too, so I would not have used that terminology. I have lived in the south of the USA since 1998. So more of my life was lived up north than down south. However, both, where I came from, AND where I moved to, most folks practice common decency.

The person who has moved down here from up north has not been present for the last 2 days, so there has been ample time for all of us to talk about his peculiar habits. We have taken exception to his name calling, his unfounded criticisms, his LIES and his general rudeness. We have, in fact, discussed it at length and agreed that we all don't like it. So I am not alone in my opinions about this. There are about a half dozen folks who have spoken out against his behavior in these last 2 days. Certainly the other half dozen did not disagree with us, but I don't know what their opinions are, I can only guess. Maybe they don't mind being called names or having someone be rude to them, I don't know. All I can say is that I agree with those who have spoken up in these last 2 days. I know NOW that I am NOT alone here in how I feel about what he says and does. I also know that I don't have to like it. That is not a requirement in this life, to like being mistreated.

I know he will probably be back tomorrow. I know I will have to PUT UP WITH whatever he happens to dish out. I realize I am not able to control what he does, what he says or anything about his behavior. I do understand that.

As to how it is going with the book CODEPENDENCY NO MORE, since the man lives in my building, socializes where I work, and in general lives in the same small town that I do, I don't see DETACHMENT as something that is possible. I can still hear him, I can still see him, he sits right next to me waiting for the same bus that I take (and there is no other place where one can wait for that bus) I am stuck with him in my environment.

I don't have the capacity to ignore him. I don't know how to do that. That has been the problem and it is because I am a HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON (as has been stated here already), that I don't have the ability to detach. This is just a sad reality I have to deal with and live with. This is my life. Unfortunately.