I Don't Want To Do It But I Can't Stop The Thoughts Anymore

[GWhizz]

[Suicidal Content Removed By Staff.]

Every door has been shut on me. I was pushed away when I tried to tell psych services how I felt, my plans the end my life, but my desire to work against those feelings to try to feel better. I instead was, basically, told I am low-risk, to go away and continue with what I was doing up until now. Though what I've been doing was not working, hence why I sought further help. Yet, because I appear to function in work etc., I am not taken seriously. Everyday, perfectly (seemingly) mentally healthy people, take their lives successfully. Because I'm not debilitated in bed 24/7, I am apparently not considered a risk to myself. Yet if I were, I'd be taken seriously, even if I were only attention seeking! I do not crave or gain gratification for negative attention. I was trying to go against the grain by seeking help and not being another statistic 'out-of-the-blue' suicide. I have been shut down.

[Suicidal Content Removed By Staff.]

I'm sorry this is long and depressing, but I need to get this down. [Suicidal Content Removed By Staff.] I'm both devastated and defeated. I waited for months for a psychiatry assessment. I did not have false or unrealistic or unattainable expectations. Yet I now feel 100 times worse literally. I am in a sheer state of despair. I don't feel safe :cry:

 

[Changing4Best]

Go to the Emergency room and tell them you are thinking seriously of doing this to yourself and will do so if you don't get some kind of help immediately! PLEASE don't do this, Your child needs you, not a memory of you.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I agree. Go to the ER. Your child does need you and it doesn't matter when you do it, birthday or not, it will always be a part of his life. But the most important reason is that you don't want to do it- you say so in your title. So if all the other avenues you have tried in order to find help haven't worked, go to the ER. And I pray that you find the help and support you need.

 

[Changing4Best]

I tried to commit suicide once, and I came to ten days later in the hospital with a rude nurse yelling at me, because I had my whole life ahead of me and I was so beautiful and how could I have done this to myself, ya dah ya dah, yahda.... What a way to come back into the world!!! I was helped, my meds were changed, I have never tried this since. There is help! Don't give up.

 

[Jane.l]

Not being taken seriously is really tough , like you because I appear to function because I give the impression of managing it's hard to get my T to understand how bad it can get, I'm still not sure he really believes it but also I swing from ok ish to the lowest depths so quickly - do you do that or are you stuck in this desperate mode all the time and just have different. 'Heads' for work etc ?

I am so sorry you are having such a terrible time getting help . I know when these feelings come on it feels like nothing matters and everything is hopeless - is there a helpline you can call ?are you in therapy at the moment ?

 

[desiderata310]

Oh boy. Gwhizz. don't, hon. Been there done that.

 

[Jane.l]

Unfortunately ER in the uk and I am guessing Ireland is shocking for mental health issues

 

[Changing4Best]

THe ER here was the same way the first times I went, but when I stressed that I was making direct plans, they listened. They helped. @GWhizz

 

[Sammyiam]

G Whizz,
No matter how bad you feel it will be one thousand times worse for that little boy if you carry through with your plans, my grandson is one next week so the same age, and if I weren't in his life it would break his little heart. I have been feeling really bad too, but when I go over and look into his eyes it just makes me melt.

Yes you are right if you had two broken legs everyone would help as you can see the physical problem, but you carn't see inside someone's head, one of my best friends came two visit a couple yo years ago, we had a few words about something, not a fight but just told him he was not thinking right with the thoughts about my daughter, he went home and killed himself, I still to this day blame myself for what happened, would you like your son growing up blaming himself for killing his mummy ?

Because that is what's going to happen, he well grow up thinking he was a bad baby, cried to much, stressed you out what ever goes on in his head, you call him your little man, I can tell by your wording that you care very much about him, do you want him to suffer from PTSD like you and feel the feelings that you feel, because that is what will happen, it is just human to blame yourself.

No matter how bad you are he loves you for who you are, the hugs and cuddles he feels form you, no one can give that like a mum, and I tell you from the bottom of my heart, he will crave that feeling from his mum for the rest of his life, no one can give love like your mother! No one.

I know it is so hard I have been there two, it is a long hard road but jumping off it before the end will help only you not your little boy, it will only make his road twice as long and twice as steep, do you want that for him ?

Get some help, talk to someone a help line, doctor, rape crisis centre, lifeline anyone just get the help you deserve, you deserve the help and the time to get better, please do it for your boy, for us and for all the other people in your life that you don't realise that are there, but will come to your funeral, when it's to late, when my friend died he said he had no one to turn to, at his funeral, the church was packed it was one of the biggest funerals I have ever been to.

The church was full with hundreds of people full of guilt and shame and sadness, as they hadn't realised he was that bad, it was the hardest things I had to do for a very long time, to sit next to his two daughters and watch the sadness in their eyes and asking me why, I just couldn't explain it to them, they could not understand, can you see your little boy sitting there. My husbands cousin. Hung himself a few weeks ago and also at that funeral his little girl of 3 was standing beside the coffin the whole funeral as she has seen her dad inside before the lid went on and she just stood there trying to open the coffin lid up saying daddy daddy come out I'm here please come out why is he not coming out

We think they are two young to know but they know they know more than we think, please don't hurt the one good thing in your life and make him feel like you feel please go and get the help you deserve.

 

[xena21]

Please don't. I am on your side in the sense of suicidal ideation and wanting to die so much. I have to put it off for my loved ones. My Mom is the one I do it for you know? She is the one I point towards when I think of doing it. Granted I have a tough time, but I think of her and know how difficult she will have living if I do that. I picture her sadness and it hurts me.

I also have personal memories of when I was a kid and my Moms best friend killed herself, and her youngest daughter who was only a toddler found her, after it. It was horrifying for everyone, but mostly for for that family. Her children were never the same, and they were haunted by their Mom's death. I only tell you that so you know how important you are to you your child. No matter how young your child is, it will affect them if you take your life.

Please go to the ER if you are feeling this strongly about dying right now. I actually went last week, because of how bad things were. Please don't be afraid to get help.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @GWhizz , please don't. You are right- it's the 'thoughts' that are tormenting you. Thoughts don't have power when we get help with them. Being ill & in pain can worsen it too, & lack of sleep, & so many other things that can be changed. And I realize it has nothing to do with attention. I know how it feels to suffer just yet one more loss, one more disappointment, more pain.

Your son (for one) needs you, as you are. He is going to grow up so proud that his mom kept going, & it will teach him that, to keep going too. Nothing- & I mean absolutely nothing & no one- can ever replace his mother. :hug:

PTSD & depression tell lies.

A lady said the other day, "Irish people are the kindest, most sensitive, sweetest, most gentle souls on earth". Call your T, tell him if you can't get help, help him to ensure you are safe. He will be happy you called, & we all will be too. :hug: :hug: Keep going, XOXOX. :hug:

 

[ghotiff]

It's time to go to the ER and place yourself in the care of others.

I understand the pain of not being understood and having my feelings minimized and having my "high functioning" used against me.

Can you ask your husband to take you?