I Feel I Deserve To Die

[shimmerz]

For reasons of my own, I have felt this way too. It can be worked through so that you can see a bit better where it stems from (and it usually isn't caused by our own actions). It is work-through-able. Your children need you. They deserve you to be your happiest, healthiest self.

Trust me, it is all smoke and mirrors that you are looking through right now.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

For reasons of my own, I have felt this way too. It can be worked through so that you can see a bit be...

Thank you. I don't know how I'm going to go back to work in a few days but the alternative is to stay home in absolute mental torment. The constant feeling of needing to check everything I ever say or do is wearying. I really don't think I can keep doing this and it isn't fair on my husband either.

 

[Lucycat]

I think you need to calm down. Use your valium according to the prescription, but allow it to help you through this time of distress.

Do things to keep you busy - even stupid things like repetitive games on the computer - candy crush and farmville and stuff like that that you have to concentrate on, but allow you to keep on trying again.

Take care of yourself and try to relax just a little. I don't know what job you do, but you do not sound like you are in a state to be thinking about going to work. Perhaps your doctor could sign you off for a while - he knows you are waiting for an appointment with the psychologist - right? He will understand and it is reasonable to stay off for now. I expect the appointment is part of the problem - it has heightened your fears and the worry about sharing. But you will be fine, and you will tell nothing to the psychologist that he has not heard before. I hear that you don't want to stay at home in mental torment. Is there anybody that can be with you - if your husband will be at work, or do you have someone you could go and be with each day?

I do not think you are evil. I think you are in distress and your judgment is clouded. What would you say to me if I wrote your introduction post? Would you call me evil or think I deserved compassion and support?

 

[Snowflake]

Thank you. I don't know how I'm going to go back to work in a few days but the alternative is to sta...

Your post puts me in tears. I do understand how you feel. I also think and feel that I deserve to die. Both of us are suffering and are blaming ourselves for things that has happen. But how do we fix it and feel better about life???? I don't know. I think about death each minute. Yes it's because of my childhood. I don't think I deserve to be alive. I feel my body is unworthy, unloveable, evil. I think my body is fat, ugly and it smells from all the filth that happened to me. Somehow I keep going and breathing and working with a trauma therapist often. Deep down I just want to be loved, wanted, accepted, held, despite my childhood. And deep down I think you feel the same . Someday we both need to accept what happened or what we did or didn't do and understand there was a reason for it all. And finally forgive ourself. I am still trying. Take care, I do understand. You are not a horrible person!!!

 

[SoSadGuilty]

I think you need to calm down. Use your valium according to the prescription, but allow it to help you th...

I have taken the valium but I just can't escape the fear. Talking to people on here has helped enormously to be honest.

I tend to always wonder what drives people to behave in ways that I could never imagine behaving. It is one of the things that worries me in case it means I can't see evil and condemn it. Mostly I feel sorry for the waste of a life and the hurt caused. So in answer to your question I guess I would offer compassion and support if you wrote my intro post.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

Your post puts me in tears. I do understand how you feel. I also think and feel that I deserve to die...

I'm so sorry I made you cry. I've been afraid of posting on this forum for so long on case I inadvertently added to the hurt for people. I'm sorry you feel so terrible too & I hope you start to feel better soon. Maybe we could chat some more on here?

 

[Snowflake]

I'm so sorry I made you cry. I've been afraid of posting on this forum for so long on case I inadver...

I think it's great you posted because it helps others like me to see we are not alone. I am just sorry you feel so badly about yourself and what you did.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

I think it's great you posted because it helps others like me to see we are not alone. I am just sorry...

Thank you for your support and I'm glad I can help someone even through my own worries at the moment. Do you think you have high moral standards / expectations generally? I find people often disappoint me and I have very high expectations of how people should respond / behave. I think that is part of my problem is I have failed to meet my own standards. I feel I have betrayed myself and others and that really hurts.

 

[Snowflake]

Thank you for your support and I'm glad I can help someone even through my own worries at the moment...

Absolutely!!

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I think that the best thing would be therapy.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

I think that the best thing would be therapy.

Soonest I can get an appointment is 19th January but I'm hoping to see the psychiatrist before then for some help with the meds. I'll be in a better place for therapy if the meds stabilise my mood a bit. I've made an appointment with a clinical psychologist who mentions he has a qualification in EMDR. I think I need to really sort this out once and for all with someone who can properly help me through it.

 

[Friday]

I've read the stories on here, how can I possibly be anything other than a monster for my actions. I don't deserve to live, I'm no better than all those other evil people who damaged lives.

But do I deserve to be hated? Would you hate me if you just heard my story on the street?...

If the worst thing you ever did was get caught masturbating? And you wanted to die of shame over that and think it makes you a pedophile? :O_o: No. Hatred is nowhere on the radar. Confusion, yes.