I Feel I Deserve To Die

[shimmerz]

Maybe I deserve to die because of the things I've done.

Or maybe you feel you deserve to die because of a program that was instilled in you in younger years. I struggle with this every freaking day. I recognize after 10 years of therapy and really hard work, that it was planted into me. It is not actually how I feel about me.

That is the conflict of trauma. Having a script that says one thing, and a knowing that that isn't actually true.

Just a suggestion.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

Maybe 23/24 is still a bit young to condem yourself for a life time of being an Evil monster. I did...

I'm quite zoned out from the Risperadone so at least the thoughts aren't quite so overwhelming. Yes I was very heedless and thoughtless but not malicious at that age.

I just hope my own children are more confident in themselves and have better self-esteem. On a positive note my 14 year old son has been so utterly sweet to me. Coming in to my room, hugging me without being prompted and telling me I'm the best mum ever. I guess I can't be that bad if the teenage grump has been roused from his self-focused lethargic existence to think of someone else. He is very sweet really. The other two have gone on a sleepover to our friend but both asked me on the phone if I was ok and was I still sad. I'm very lucky really.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

Or maybe you feel you deserve to die because of a program that was instilled in you in younger years....

Well I think my feelings about myself and my actions are very much linked to wanting to be good and to please my parents. Growing up I often felt no matter how much I tried I just wasn't good enough or that no one ever said "well done". I grew up a Catholic so you can see why the confessing of the sins thing comes so naturally.

I remember crying at night for a week aged maybe 7 / 8 until my mum discovered me one night. I was convinced I'd committed a mortal sin which meant certain hell and no chance if heaven. The sin? I had been sick one Sunday morning and by the time it was time to go to mass I was feeling better but I pretended I wasn't so I didn't have to go. Shortly after I learnt about mortal sin and that was it I was going to hell.....

 

[shimmerz]

I can absolutely relate to the Catholic thing. Huge programming there. Any possibility that you can see the correlation of that (and even go so far as to say that it was a warped perception) and how you are feeling now? I do a ton of work on programs and usually know I am working on a script from the past if I can remember 'feeling that way' at an earlier point in my life.

It would be a shame to lose you because of Catholic guilt......

 

[blackemerald1]

Yes you have raised & are still raising beautiful children
If your 14 yr old can do that,,, you are & have done a a great mothering role..
That just is more confirmation in your real world that you are loved!
Teenage boys are such a laugh at times, I used to wonder whether aliens had abducted mine & sent them back because they could not communicate. & they could not handle their. stinking socks!

 

[SoSadGuilty]

I can absolutely relate to the Catholic thing. Huge programming there. Any possibility that you can s...

I think it was the scandals about the Catholic Church here that finally brought child sexual abuse to the fore. Before that I'm not sure there was even specific laws dealing with it and there was certainly an attitude that it wasn't talked about in the way it is now. I suppose I was deeply affected by some of those public cases. I found it all so frightening and abhorrent that I think I became even more sensitised and hypervigilant. The hate directed at those individuals frightened me, vigilante type witch hunts still frighten me hugely. Don't get me wrong they knowingly did the most abhorrent things but I find the public hatred and bile scary

I am no longer religious but the programming definitely lives on deep within me. The feeling of unworthiness, being "bad" and deserving to be punished is definitely a legacy of that programming.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

Yes you have raised & are still raising beautiful children
If your 14 yr old can do that,,, you are...

Yes I always say it us like living with Jekyll & Hyde..... yes he is funny and infuriating in equal measure. I so appreciate his big hugs right at this moment.

 

[blackemerald1]

@SoSadGuilty how are you going on the meds? How are you feeling. At least a little better I hope.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

@SoSadGuilty how are you going on the meds? How are you feeling. At least a litt...

Sorry @blackemerald1 didn't see this until now. I think the meds have given me a bit of a breather from the worst of the anxiety for now. Still anxious and low mood but I'm able to at least watch TV again now. I still feel like I'm a shell & a fake but the obsessional thinking at least has quietened down a wee bit. Thank you for asking after me.

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

No one deserves to die. Times may be hard and it may look like nothing is going right but things can always change. They can do a complete 360, it may not look like it right now but if you look hard enough there is a light deep within the darkness, a light I know you will reach. I believe in you and I know a lot of people here believe in you too. I know how you feel when it comes to guilt. I felt so guilty for what happened but I can't change the past, I can only look to the horizon, to the future. It may seem impossible but nothing is impossible. Remember if you split the word impossible it says " I'm possible" You deserve to move on. What matters is what you do now, not what you did in your past. The past can hurt but the way I see it you can learn from it or run from it. Running gets exhausting after a while, learning from it gives you a lesson to bring in your future. I hope this helps somehow