Hi WC - Thanks for your concern and your reply . . .
I think my daughter probably said something to the others before I sat down (i.e. expressed fear/projection that I’d criticize her getting the tattoo), and that's why folks laughed
when I asked if I could see it :-o And, because my daughter is the dependant type (she thinks she’s weak/needs protection), she likes others do her bidding/talking – that way she’s not responsible.
I’ve known the “new” wife for nearly thirty+ years. She is a very intuitive, co-dependent/enabler, and a great person. I think the “new” wife’s protective side would have come through with any one sitting next to her regardless of who the two people were. I think because of my PTSD I don’t always intuit things quickly, or accurately at first; just another reason why this site is so helpful, i.e. feedback from folks like you.
In the last couple of days, I've been looking at conversations my daughter and I have had in years past and over the last few months. Your post helped me pinpoint a pattern. It is similar to what her father’s pattern was. Since she has assaulted me twice. I reported the incidents to authorities, and each time she told them that I
had not done anything to provoke her; therefore, I will never, ever, be entirely alone with her again.
I have not seen/spoken to her father in almost fifteen years – until yesterday.
I came home a bit early from work. My daughter and her father were standing/talking, half-way into the flower bed and half-way on the grass. She noticed me driving/approaching and I waved “hi” to her – they jumped into his truck and without acknowledgement from either of them and sped off. I realized moments later either tried or were considering how to get in.
I think telling my daughter “I’ve had it” or exploding or going completely no contact (i.e. severing the relationship entirely) would only add to the drama and negatively reinforce “I’m a victim” - likewise, about saying anything to my sons about seeing them at my home because my son(s) would say something to her or their father, and it would be denied that they were there, and I would appear like the crazy wicked horrible ex-bitch wack-o mother that they want other people to think I am. :confused:
@
Abstract, :rolleyes:
I just tried to focus on the criticality of my daughter’s needs when I became acquainted with myptsd; dealing with my own PTSD has been been a familar "friend" for 20+ years.
What you said about your sister and her relationship with your father was interesting. My daughter has a “strong relationship” with her father, but only in the sense that she idolizes and identifies with him. I’ve gotten the impression (through emails she’s sent) that she’s begun to question the reality of her perceptions about him a tiny bit over the last couple of months. I think it often takes people a long time to change their beliefs or perceptions about anything – so I don’t know, she may never change perceptions about me . . .
"How did you manage to keep the abuse from them and do your sons not know too?" The mental/emotional abuse happened primarily when the children weren’t present (until the eldest two were in their later teens). With the two large incidents of physical abouse, my youngest son was in his bedroom but my daughter (under five years at the time) was in the room with me. I was able to get myself and the kids to friends’ homes for several days afterwards each time. The smaller incidents occurred to non-facial areas and were such that one could call “an accident” – like the time he whipped me once across my back with his belt when I was laying on my stomach on the bed, reading. Him: “What? Did I hurt you? I just tossed my belt on the bed.” (A tossed belt does not make a long raised red welt; he denied that he belted me and said I must have gotten the welt from the back of a patio lounge chair). Or the time he kicked my back so hard (while I was sleeping) that I was thrown five or six feet off of the bed and slammed into the wall. Him: “Geeze, what happened? Did you have a bad dream?” Note: I didn’t have sleep disturbances or nightmares until a year and a half or so after he moved out.
"Have you considered disclosing both the PTSD and the source to your adult children?"
I let my daughter know I had PTSD last spring when we began to re-connect. She asked what I’ve done to help myself, but never asked what it was caused from. I have never openly talked to my children (bio or step) about what went on. I have always felt that it's not good to talk to one’s children about bad things that the other parent has done. The older ones were in their late teens towards the end of our relationship. They heard and saw some things. I believe the eldest (bio son/from ex-husband and step-son/from ex-abuser) know I have PTSD (for several reasons I won't go into now). I've considered talking with the eldest, but not too soon – I still believe the focus should be on helping my daughter and they’ve taken on extra burdens with her.
The event that happened to her combined with our family dynamics, and the fact that daughter’s father is planning wedding #5 to his former best friend’s widow, and the best friend (who died last year) was previously a teacher at our children’s school who had been charged with student child molestation (due to my informing authorities), and was also found to have had molested his own daughter who later committed S . . . It’s all a bit too much drama for most and I don't want to add to it.
I sent my daughter an email last night. It was a brief note using some suggestions from above and mentioned that we haven’t talked or come to a mutual resolution, which was a very important point you made. Some attention needs to be given to the last assault, at some point for both of us to heal. I don’t want to throw it in her face, however, and I don’t need an apology. It’s just something that should not be swept under a rug. The note reiterated that I had PTSD, I understood what she was going through, that I loved her and always would, but that I’d let her contact me if she needed something or wanted to.
My symptoms have gone into (what I call) remission for long periods, with and without outside help. I thought I could do it on my own again this time, but I can’t. I need to take care of myself and the whole thing with my daughter is so messed up that I have to step aside. I started meds on Monday and will be back in therapy next month. :sick: ;)
I sent my daughter an email last night. It was a brief note using some suggestions from above posts and mentioned that we haven’t talked or come to a mutual resolution, which
was a very important point you made. Some attention needs to be given to the last assault she made against me, at some point for both of us to heal. I don’t want to throw it in her face, however, and I don’t need an apology. It’s just something that should not be swept under a rug! The note reiterated that I had PTSD, I understood what she was going through, that I loved her and always would, but that I’d let her contact me if she needed something or wanted to.
After I sent the email I something in began feeling more settled and I'm glad for that. Nevertheless, I had five panic / tachicardia episodes with +182bpm between last night and this afternoon despite having doubled my betablocker. :wacky:Living like this is :poop:
Yes, supporting my daughter after her having assulted me is awkward. Perhaps I am "crazy" after all!
