I Give Myself Permission

[Sleeping Dragon]

We learned if everyone of us did our job, each of us had a chance to survive. That job became our focus as we learned to shut all else out. We honed this philosophy to a degree that failure to perform was no longer an option. This is why survivor guilt is such a terrible burden to warriors.

It’s taken years to allow myself to:
Fail, let things slide, admit any kind of weakness, BE HUMAN.

This acceptance was necessary to keep pressure from building, a pressure that was ruining my life. It allowed me to include those who I’d otherwise shut out. It let me see what I would have otherwise ignore.
I still try hard to do my best, and there are still things I won’t accept. But, now I have choices that were not available before.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Thank you SD,

I still try hard to do my best, and there are still things I won’t accept. But, now I have choices that were not available before.

A simple road to quell the *beast* which lurks every waking moment of our lives.

Ba

 

[RTO]

I am there right now.

 

[atilla]

Beast. A hated enemy, but at times, my only friend. Trying to get a harness on that s.o.b. is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. Sometimes i get lucky and i lead the beast, but other times it drags me back through all the mud, blood, and shit and the only thing you can do is keep trying to throw that harness back on it. You have to keep trying, because if you've had those great days, you know what its worth to keep fighting.

 

[Friday]

Having spent the day worshipping the porcelain throne, cause I'm f*cking up something important, and just can't do it right?

Hell yeah, man. I hear that.

 

[Sarg]

Sometimes, you have to just let the stress cup just boil over. Get rid of the crap. Wash away garbage that's been eating on you for years. We internalize too much. Hold it close to the gut. But then when we pull it out and really look at it, we wonder why the hell we held onto it it for so long. Let the crap go. Toss it out the window like an empty beer can.

Sarg

 

[atilla]

Well put Brother.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

When it makes sense I write it down. When a few of the pieces finally fit I try hard to remember that part of the puzzle so that I can fit the pieces together again sometime later.

But, some son-of-a-bitch keeps switching the puzzles. I just spent three days in hell. It was my own private hell because why should my wife, kids and close friends be dragged down into the shit hole with me.

Last time it was this bad I went back on Bupropion in dosed strong enough to make a junk yard dog sing Kumbayah. But, this time I let the Dragon have his way, and he thinked my by kicking my ass.

So, why this time? What happened? Well it's simple. I told myself I had it figured out. I set aside what I learned in CPT sessions. I didn't do yoga or any other typed of meditation. I was smart enough to turn myself into a basket case, and now have to start all over again.

I guess stupid can come along any time we give ourselved too much credit for having the answers, and forget who we are. I'm a warrior who must hunt for peace, reason and love every day of my life. Every time I ignore that reality I'll pay the price.

THE SEARCH STARTS AGAIN, RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

SD