I Have A Hard Time Being Happy For People

[Michelle1991]

I have never had luck with relationships (granted, I am only 21). I have been abused both mentally and physically by people I have dated.

My group of friends is very close to me. I have a few best friends. We were never the type to date around. But recently, my best friend has been dating somebody. I wish I could be happy for her, but there is not a single bone in my body that is happy for her. I feel like a terrible person.

It is her first boyfriend and she is overly excited about it. She talks about him constantly and keeps reminding me of how happy she is. I am currently dealing with the trauma of being sexually abused and it is very difficult to be happy for someone when I, myself, am feeling alone and miserable.

Is this terrible of me?

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[maddog]

No, I think this is perfectly, perfectly understandable, both to be having difficulty in being happy for anyone during a time of such distressing traumatic processing as you are going through, and in particular where that trauma is related to the issue about which you are trying unsuccessfully to be happy.

I think that when we are at the height of dealing with trauma, it's very difficult to maintain a lot of social expectations, which is the reason why it's almost inevitable that some degree of social withdrawal will take place. I also think this is ok... trauma processing is hard work, it requires some degree of tolerance, both from yourself and from others, for the state of being depleted and unwell for a time. PTSD is an illness, whichever way you slice it, and just as it isn't possible to continue to go to work and run errands and play sport when you have the flu, it's not possible to display the same and normal range of social activities and behaviours and expectations when our entire emotional selves are so caught up in the trauma processing.

That said, of course it's very very healthy to remain engaged with others to the extent that we can, and to make an effort to involve ourselves in friendships as both givers and receivers of support. I believe this actually helps us to heal and to progress better, and in that sense, I think it's healthy for you to remain engaged with your friend and even to hear about the normalities of her life, which, in this case, obviously includes her new relationship.

This is where communication becomes so important. Can you talk to her about this? Perhaps explain to her that hearing about her relationship is important to you, because it's important to her and you are her friend, but right now it's also upsetting for you because you are trying to deal with your own stuff (assuming your friend is aware of your traumas of course?)

Maybe it would help for her to be aware that it would be sensitive of her to perhaps tone down her talk a little, or to make sure to talk about other things a little more often, and just to be aware that some days you mightn't feel able to hear about it, and the reasons why.

It sounds as though you guys are close and have been so for a long time. For that reason I think it's worth having the courageous conversation with her and trying to find some middle ground whereby both of your needs for support and understanding are being met.

These situations are never easy, I know. Hang in there, and know that as distant a hope as it feels right now, there is every likelihood that you will find a special relationship of your own one day as well, and the more you can be gentle with yourself and enlist the support of your friends during this difficult time, the more likely it is that that time will be just around the corner.

Maddog