I Need Suggestions On Living Alone

[Deleted member 12723]

It has been four months since my husband died and I am slowly getting used to living alone. I try to do something every day, but the days I do not have anywhere to go I have a hard time. I was married for thirty six years.

I know eventually I will have to move in with my daughter and she says yes to this. I know not to make any big decisions the first year.

My husband had Parkinsons and Lewy Body Dementia and I was his caregiver twenty four seven. I had to take care of him myself. I lost my life as I once knew it.

I am in grief and too burnt out from the caregiving and the grief. I know I need to develop a hobby or something. I spend my days going to grief group, therapy, and going to the dentist because my mouth has suffered so much neglect the past three years.

I either spend the weekend at my daughters house or taking her girls here. I have three friends that have been there for me. One friend is going blind. He cannot be much support.

I had a good day today.

My question is how does one live being alone? I am slowly doing better, but I do not do good on the days I do not have anything going on. What helps you? How do you manage? I would appreciate any advice or tips.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Oh gizmo dear I am so so very sorry. Hugs.

When I was 20-24 years old I lived alone. I remember how scared I was at first. I slowly learned how to take care of myself and not be so scared. I made sure I had texting buddies 24/7 that helped me a lot. Always knowing I had someone just a text away. I also got a cat because they are easy to take care of. Her company helped me tremendously. I would keep the TV or music on at night. I made sure the TV and music was happy or funny. I prayed a lot for strength too. I don't know if you are religious or not but I found my faith in those days and nights I spent alone. I talked to "God" a lot. It gave me comfort. I am not preaching religion and I am more of a quiet faith. I spent a lot of time healing and reading books and researching stuff related to my traumas too.

I am glad you had a good day today.

 

[stephanie44]

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband - that must be so hard. I have never been married and have lived alone for over 20 years. It has been a struggle for me at times; I have also always had pets and I work full-time. I am active in my church and walk in the park or get coffee with friends. When I am by myself, I enjoy journaling, reading and singing. Over the years I have been involved in theater as well as dance groups, but I don't want to do too much. The weekends can sometimes be the hardest for me so I call up my single friends for support. Sometimes I watch movies, meditate, or listen to music.

You are just now having to get used to living alone after being married for so many years, which can be difficult. I have read a few books about solitude, which seemed to help a bit.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Hi Gizmo,

Although I am somewhat biased, I would personally look into getting a pet. Doesn't have to be high maintenance, but rather something you get feedback from, like a friendly parakeet or cat or small dog. The animals offer a form of support that you won't be able to find in any other human, and they are there when other humans are asleep and 'offline'.

I'm currently housing a small dog whilst I look for a new home for her, and just the presence really calms me down, gives me focus, and allows me to drag myself out of the house without constantly allowing my brain to think of all the ramifications.

Just a thought. I know it is hard, but please take care of yourself in the mean time.

Bubz

 

[nursenurse]

Hi Gizmo,

I think with the death of a spouse, you never really get over it, you get used to it. But eventually, the good memories overtake everything, and you will cope.

Cut yourself a little slack. Don't forget that besides being his spouse, you were his caregiver, and with his death, you lost your job, a double whammy on the stress scales. Give yourself permission to be lonely, permission to be angry, permission to be sad. The good days will one day out weigh the bad days. And you may want to be on your own instead of living with your daughter.

My Ma did the church group thing after my Dad died more than 30 years ago. They used to sew quilts for our First Nations folks up north, that was weekly. She also had her prayer group, I called them the "Merry Widows" because most of them were that, they were good for each other. They knew a lot about each, they could laugh, they could cry. The laughter eventually won out. That was once a week as well. Everyday for her until she was in her eighties was a walk day. She had her route, and the neighbours all knew it.

She had a cat for awhile, I think you already have some furry friends. Get out walking with the doggie. I always knew the dogs' names before I knew the owners' names :) A book club, perhaps? I don't imagine there was a lot of time for you to pursue that. Volunteer, maybe in a school somewhere where there is laughter and young people. Young people keep you young and fresh.

Four months is not a lot of time. I wish you all the best, and I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Abrasky]

I don't have any answers, except that it is nice to hear that you want to get out and about. I had a dear friend who had her husband pass away. She found companionship in cats, her horses and having a part-time boarder. I second animal companionship, and or going to a shelter and spending time with animals there. There are lots of dogs that need walking at animal shelters that would love companionship on a daily basis.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hi gizmo. Words can't express....I couldn't imagine....

Sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. :sorry:

 

[Seasounds]

When I was in deep grief, like you, I did best when I had scheduled appointments to go to, be it therapist, support group, or friend.
Deep grief takes time, no matter what you do. Keep connected and active.

After six months, I was 30% better, and after one year, I was 60% better. Finally, after two years, I just about myself. A friend once said something that made a lot of sense to me: grief involves a break in connections, and grief gets better as the gaps get filled in by new relationships.

As you look better, and as time goes on, people may think you are done grieving. With the people you care about, let them know you still feel blue sometimes. And if you find yourself feeling so sad you don't want to get up in the morning, you might consider asking your doctor for a medication, to help.

 

[mamachick]

Gizmo I am sorry for your loss.

I had a head trauma and cognitive changes that caused me to stop working, menopause, and launched my kids off to college and then was assaulted in my home. Been one adjustment after another. I wish I had some magic wisdom. I find it difficult to cook for one, or even know what to buy at the store. My eating has become an all time worse-very erratic.

Last visit with T, instead of contributing to ptsd, she basically said its empty nest, displaced, time to re-discover myself, get new identity. So much was tied to my kids, my friends were my kids friends moms for a large part because we were on committiee's or scheduling book sales or pizza sales or car pooling etc. Sometimes I go a week without any contact except the forum and I know its not healthy. I need to make appointments but procrastinate as I dont want to leave house.

I think the sooner you replace old activities the better off you will be. Dont get into a rut like me. Its easy to do.

 

[Flyaway]

Hi Gizmo,

My heart goes out to you! At the same time, I'm so happy that you were married for 36years- no doubt you have some great memories to reflect back on.

I'd suggest doing some kind of vollunteer work at the local community centre or library, but having had to look after your husband before his passing- maybe what you need right now is a cat to snuggle with and a fun hobby. Have you ever scrapbooked? That would be a good way of working through grief and remembering the good times...

We'll be here for you when it gets too much :)

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Gizmo. I'll echo what has been said above. I've been married 33 years and cannot even begin to imagine how you feel.

A hobby is a great idea. Are their any craft groups in the area? We have a couple where I live, including a general craft group where people who do various crafts get together to work on their crafts rather than working alone all of the time. Our local farm shop has a cookery club and gardening club.

Although it is great to get out and meet people, please remember it is still early days and you do need to grieve.

(((HUGS))) to you.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think there are two ways to go about it Gizmo. One is to fill the time. The other is to learn how to enjoy your alone time. perhaps the healthy, balanced way, is to fill some time with friends, hobbies and appointments, but to also learn the benefits of time alone too.

Time alone is time for you personally. But it can take time to get to know who you are personally, to discover what you like, rather than what other people like about you and that's difficult. But, just in my opinion, it might be worthwhile.