I Quit Therapy. I Am Afraid, Depressed, Feel Like A Child...

[kapril]

I quit therapy yesterday. I dropped off a book I had borrowed and enclosed an I quit therapy note, and just left it on the desk last night. I am not sure I understand what's going on with me right now. I was supposed to have an apt. tomorrow. Now I have totally messed that up. My T is just back from vacation so I haven't seen him for 2 weeks. I have been feeling depressed, passive, lethargic, fearful, and sad since I dropped off that quit note yesterday. This morning I e-mailed him to see if I could still talk with him tomorrow, but he has not gotten back to me. I tried to call him but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I feel really stupid, needy, and like I want to run away.

This is the note I wrote to my T. How can I get up enough nerve to call him and reinstate myself on his schedule? I feel like a child, and I hate feeling that way.

Thank you for letting me borrow the journal books. I am returning the one I forgot to give back to you a few weeks ago.

I have decided to quit therapy which is why I am dropping off the book at the desk. I feel that if I talk with you in session you’ll change my mind, and I don’t want that to happen. ‘Sometimes I have a hard time communicating as an adult when I talk with you. All I know is that for almost two weeks now the boat has been gone. Because of its absence I have been forced to realize how much the boat has meant to me. This realization for me is kind of like a juvenile offender watching that show Scared Straight on live TV that used to air in the past. I always felt and acted so independently, but something happened in this therapy that changed me from a capable, independent, isolated person into a dependent child. I am an adult. It’s hard for me to explain to you how embarrassed and ashamed I feel that I became dependent upon therapy, and upon you. So I have decided to forcefully pull myself out of therapy hoping that will end my little girl feelings, shame, humiliation, fear, and dependency. That is not who I am, or want to be.

I do want to thank you for everything you have done to help me function in a more healthy way. Thank you for normalizing my feelings, for the safety you provided, for your empathy, caring, and flexibility. Thank you for being so real. I appreciate so much how you shared some of your recovery journey with me related to what you have learned, what works, and your relationship with God. I am so glad you didn’t give up on me during the times I was depressed, anxious, terrified, and untrusting, not to mention the acting out along with self destructive behavior. I truly felt you contained my feelings, helped me to give myself a chance, to realize that l could possibly recover. I do realize, and am thankful for the interventions you made when I was self destructive, dissociating, or flooding when your interventions were the bridge between falling apart or dying and trying again one more day. I know that when I met with you the first time I felt dead and wanted to die. Now I want to live. My depression masked my internal torment, chaos, and unbridled agony. Because you were safe, steady, caring, real, and able to help me feel safe and to trust you, part of me was able to let you in to my buried, unknown abyss of hell. Thank you for walking with me at least a part of the way. I do realize that although the walk was painful and gut wrenching for me, filled with flashbacks, flooding, longing, confusion, and so much fear, you also felt the pain and suffering. I know it was not easy. Thank you for being there, the boat, the safe place, the protection of a father that I never experienced before in my life. My little girl will always think of you as her surrogate father. You will always hold a special place in her heart.

Gratefully,

 

[VDWngr1355]

So, do you want to continue with therapy?

I have quit therapy with my therapist through email at least twice and after sometime- usually a couple of days email back saying, I would still like to continue therapy and at the time though I didn't need it.

I understand what you mean by the "needy" feeling. It is uncomfortable to feel like we need this person to function. It certainly is something for you to talk about.

If you don't feel comfortable calling and have your therapist's email address, I would just send a note explaining how you feel and would like to come in and talk.

 

[shell]

Are sure you want to quit, it sounds like perhaps you've changed you mind.

Did you quit because you felt you got nothing from it. If I quit because I feel child like, I think I would have quit that very first day, and everyday since.

It's not like you said anything bad in the letter, discussing it might be the better option.

 

[maddog]

What you discuss in your note definitely sounds like feelings and reactions that you need to work through with your T. Regardless of whether or not you choose to continue or quit therapy, I think some resolution needs to be sought for these feelings, for your own well-being.

I understand the frantic, desperate need to restore order and control when you feel you have lost them, and the way it can feel as though therapy, an your T in particular, are to blame for unwravelling your world. But such reactions are, in fact, a very real, very typical and very important part of the therapeutic process and they represent a critical milestone in coming to terms with your journey. I think you need to ask yourself very honestly at this point if it is in your best interests to terminate a relationship that has obviously brought you security and some degree of progress, but which has obviously left you in the position of currently having unresolved feelings about yourself and your ability to function.

No doubt this is a vulnerable period, a high risk point for therapeutic drop-out, but I would really encourage you to at least go back and talk through your feelings with your T, so that you can together reach an informed decision about where to from here. Maybe you will together decide that there is more work to do that can proceed with the benefit of your having been honest about your concerns and anxieties. Maybe you will together decide that you would be better off working with another T, or taking a break, or in some other way introducing another temporary intervention to help stabilise some of the conflicted transference feelings going on here. Whichever way, at this point, I would suggest that a mutual discussion and decision would be your best option.

Try not to feel too humiliated or self-conscious. I'm sure he's seen it all before and would be happier to know that you are willing to re-engage to discuss where you're at.

Let us know how it goes.

Maddog

 

[kapril]

So, do you want to continue with therapy?

I have quit therapy with my therapist through email at least twice and after sometime- usually a couple of days email back saying, I would still like to continue therapy and at the time though I didn't need it.

I understand what you mean by the "needy" feeling. It is uncomfortable to feel like we need this person to function. It certainly is something for you to talk about.

Thanks for understanding. Just to know I am not alone in what I have done helps me so much better.

 

[kapril]

What you discuss in your note definitely sounds like feelings and reactions that you need to work through with your T. Regardless of whether or not you choose to continue or quit therapy, I think some resolution needs to be sought for these feelings, for your own well-being.

I understand the frantic, desperate need to restore order and control when you feel you have lost them, and the way it can feel as though therapy, an your T in particular, are to blame for unwravelling your world. But such reactions are, in fact, a very real, very typical and very important part of the therapeutic process and they represent a critical milestone in coming to terms with your journey. I think you need to ask yourself very honestly at this point if it is in your best interests to terminate a relationship that has obviously brought you security and some degree of progress, but which has obviously left you in the position of currently having unresolved feelings about yourself and your ability to function.

Try not to feel too humiliated or self-conscious. I'm sure he's seen it all before and would be happier to know that you are willing to re-engage to discuss where you're at.

Let us know how it goes.

Maddog

Thanks for your response. My T texted me early this AM so I still have an apt. tonight. I don't know what to expect, but I do know I need to talk about these feelings, therapy, and where we are headed. I also think that I panicked when I realized how much I seem to "need" therapy. I guess I was trying to restore order as you say to my world which indeed seems to be unwravelling... I'm glad to know my reactions are very real, very typical, and a very important part of the process, and represent a milestone in my journey. (I am hoping you might share more specifics about this, because I seem to be clueless...) On one hand it does not seem that ending therapy would be what's best, but on the other hand, feeling like a dependent child isn't a feeling I am handling very well. I am afraid to go tonight, but I know I need to talk it all out. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I have been feeling very unsettled about this. I will check in late tonight about how it goes and let all of you know. Thank you for being here and sharing.

 

[kapril]

I went to therapy Thursday night even though I was afraid to go. I wasn't sure if I should stay or quit. My T seemed to understand where I was, and what helped was that he encouraged me to make a decision based on what was best for me. He did not insist that I stay, which was what I expected, and was afraid he would do. Instead he helped me to figure out if I have more work to do, and when I decided that I have more to do I was afraid he wouldn't let me continue in therapy because I had quit. This was probably my 4th time or more in 3 years. But he said I could continue, and that I could have a check-in call on Friday. He also talked to me about a site he was researching about CPTSD and attachment, the inner critic, etc. He then e-mailed me the link to the site so I could check it out. This helps because I feel connected to him when he e-mails a link.

I still felt very young in therapy so I did talk about this and how uncomfortable it makes me feel. I hate feeling like a child, and I did tell him this. My T is taking the stand that we can be curious about these feelings and try to find out where they come from. Sometimes I'm not sure I want to know where they come from, but then I remember that someone told me the only way out is through. I will keep you posted on my feelings in therapy.

 

[maddog]

So, so glad you were able to talk it out with him Capril, and that his response was affirming and future-oriented (eg, sending you the link for further reading/learning etc). I think that "exploring" feelings is a great and careful way to start unpacking and processing them and what lies beneath them. It sounds as though you have a good T and that you are committed to a common goal. Nice work!

Maddog

 

[kapril]

maddog, I didn't think about his response being future oriented, but now that you have pointed this out, this was such a helpful thing for him to do. It increased my hope and is increasing my understanding of what is going on with me. Thanks for your affirmations, Maddog. Having this forum helps to increase safety, stability, and the knowledge that we are not alone.

 

[Red Feather]

Hi Kapril, I am having issues with my new T now and reading this thread has helped me understand a bit what is going on. I really need a T in my life and it is scary to need somebody. I just wanted to say thanks for sharing this process. I really agree with Maddog about how these are all important processes you are going through. I hope it goes well.

 

[kapril]

Hi Kapril, I am having issues with my new T now and reading this thread has helped me understand a bit what is going on.

Nadia,

I'm so glad reading this post has helped you. I am a pretty new member, and what drew me here is reading the posts on a variety of issues which I myself struggle with. My T is very supportive about this forum. There are times when this place helps me get through the middle of the night. This forum also helps me feel less needy of my T, which I think is a good thing. ;)

 

[Red Feather]

Yeah I agree. My problem is that I am able to process so much more on this forum then with my new T. This contributes to how I feel so awkward with her. She is a new T and I really miss my old T. I wish I could still see my old T but I moved away from her. I am so in denial that I can't see her anymore.