Relationship I reached out, after 2 months

[LovingH]

Also, I don't think he's isolating. I think he's burying himself in his work. He's a filmmaker and playwright, and right around the time he told me we should move on, he was juggling a lot of projects.

 

[LovingH]

Still nothing from him :( Sometimes I just can't understand how he could cut me out of his life like this. When I really think about it, I get angry, honestly. I try not to, but I can't help it.

Today I met up with the guy my friend kinda set me up with.

He seemed nice. I didn't feel any chemistry. And I feel like whomever I date, I'm gonna compare to HIM. Not sure I'm ready for this.

 

[EveHarrington]

Just remember, you cut him out first. Not everyone can do the break up/get back together yo-yo routine.

Next time mean what you say, and say what you mean. Yes I know you were triggered, but not everyone will come rushing back if they fear getting their heart broken again.

 

[LovingH]

I feel like he cut me out first, by going cold and distant out of the blue, right when we were doing great and getting closer..then deciding I wasn't worth replying to, despite me becoming increasingly agitated by him ignoring me.

Even if I hadn't been triggered and broke up with him over it..this behavior would have been a HUGE problem for me, moving fwd.

And I know, I know..why would I want someone who would treat me like that back? Because it was such a puzzling aberration. Until I came to this forum, I didn't understand about the whole PTSD "honeymoon" phase. At the time, I just wanted the boyfriend I KNEW, who was kind and sweet to me, back.

 

[EveHarrington]

Uhm, the honeymoon phase is present in pretty much all intimate relationships, it’s not just a PTSD thing.

 

[LovingH]

Not really. It's different, or seems different when I see other people's posts. Seems like it lasts about 6 months, and then the partner with PTSD becomes distant..starts pushing the other person away.

I've never experienced that before, except for once with a guy I dated who was on a bunch of different meds for ADHD and it made him unable to feel anything. One minute he said he was falling in love with me; the next, he was breaking up with me.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The Honeymoon phase is part of all relationships. It’s the “everything is awesome, isn’t he/she dreamy” first few months of a relationship when everybody is still on their best behavior. Shit hasn’t gotten real yet. Six months is probably a common break up time for a lot of short term relationships.

 

[Justmehere]

He’s already got triggers around birthdays and a solid pattern of avoidance. I really doubt he will break the pattern and suddenly connect you around a birthday.

It’s pretty normal to compare new dates to past ones, just don’t do it out loud and keep exploring new possibilities and it will get easier.

 

[LovingH]

He’s already got triggers around birthdays and a solid pattern of avoidance. I really doubt he will break the pattern and suddenly connect you around a birthday.

It’s pretty normal to compare new dates to past ones, just don’t do it out loud and keep exploring new possibilities and it will get easier.

You're probably right. Although everything was great on his birthday. I tried to make it as special as possible, to at least try to overcome the awful symbolic significance of it.

We travel in the same artistic circles. The thought has occurred to me, how will I handle it if I run into him somewhere after all this? I don't think I'll be feeling particularly friendly towards him :(

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

The thought has occurred to me, how will I handle it if I run into him somewhere after all this? I don't think I'll be feeling particularly friendly towards him :(

It is even harder to ‘get over’ a relationship when you have to see them. And when you aren’t expecting’ to run into them that can definitely throw anyone off. When they have a new partner it is even more devastating.

We have to give ourselves room to feel anger, hurt, betrayal....all these feelings are valid. There is nothing wrong with not feeling ‘friendly’. The only question is what would make YOU feel better if you do see him? You need to do whatever is best for you. Something to take your power back. Whatever helps you feel good about yourself. How he handles it or responds is up to him and you can’t control it - only what you do.

I have chosen to say hello, to occasionally make very short, small chitchat - about his children or parents or anything that isn’t about him (because he has lost the privilege of being my friend or being able to confine in me - and, let’s face it, that is a slippery slope).

That is what makes me feel good about myself. That is how I am taking my power back. I have no intention of acting in a way that has him think for even a millisecond that I may be hurt or upset or jealous. I have no intention of allowing him and his girlfriend to have anything negative to say about me. I am ‘showing‘ him how a healthy (LOL) adult should behave, especially when there are children around.

So, if you see him, hold your head high. Smile (fake it until you make it), say hello and keep going.
We just need time. At some point we stop looking back and start looking forward. Someday we will not feel the negative feelings we feel right now.

Can’t. Wait.

 

[LovingH]

It's 2 days til my birthday..I have heard nothing from him..and I am incredibly depressed :(

 

[Justmehere]

Make plans with others! Birthdays are worth being celebrated and not pinning on one person to celebrate. Invite friends for ice cream or to BBQ or something you like to do. I did lazer tag one year. Yep. Lazer tag. Just invited almost everyone I knew. Omg. A bunch of young-ish adults doing laser tag was petty ridiculous and awesome. I missed an ex very badly that year, but I was so busy firing away at lazer tag, I couldn’t help but feel better. If doing something with others is too much, then plan a special day for you. Maybe find a way to create the kind of day you want just like you would create art. If you run into him, be classy. It will be bittersweet but the pain eases up with time. So sorry you are going through this. :hug: