I Realize That I

[quic]

Dumbeldore !

He is a wise man. Credits to JK Rowling.

 

[HelenB]

I really like this thread too.

I know for myself much of the damage which I have had has been from the way I took on so many lies about myself because of the things I have experienced, and coming to a realisation of the truth instead has been so important to me. I am still working on a lot of it but know one of the important realisations I came to is when I realised that my reality (particularly about myself) is not necessarily the truth, and though it is still a journey, I know that it is true that it was not my fault and I am not bad for not being able to make everything ok and for having those needs as a child, because I was just that - a child, and even now it is not wrong to need others and not be able to do it all myself and just be able to cope. I find it much easier to see it for others and much easier to see their worth too, but know it is the truth that I did not deserve what happened and that it is true that I do have worth.

As I said it is still a journey, but I know these are truths and am still working on feeding them deeper into myself and know that at least wanting to love myself and not blame myself any more is an important start and an important realisation that I really do deserve so much more and am not bad for wanting to be looked after and protected, even when it was so hard as a child, and when things got so much worse when I did ask for help.

Helen

 

[therisa]

I realize I just might be stronger than I think. I also realize I'm scared to trust it.

My friends and medical team have been telling this, to me, for several years, but I can't believe them, yet.

 

[The Albatross]

I realize that scared and woeful little girl (the traumatized me) is protected by a porcupine exterior and that I am still perceived to be more difficult than I actually am because when I'm reactive or stressed, I bristle. It's hard to be married to a porcupine, good thing I married another porcupine huh?

 

[Seamhead]

I realize I'm in a vicious cycle in which I take time for myself, then feel awful about pushing people and responsibilities aside to take time for myself, which ends up with me taking more time for myself to deal with the guilt. Rinse and repeat.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

The honesty and openness people are sharing here is humbling. I'm so grateful for the posts.

I realize that a lot of the time when I blow up in anger when I'm triggered what I'm also feeling is scared or betrayed. It makes me feel like the person who triggered me is trying to imply I'm not good enough or I don't matter as much as they do. Anger if I'm conscious of it in that moment is easier to show because I feel less afraid. Kind of. And I feel like I'm coming across a lot bigger than I feel in that moment.

 

[The Albatross]

Good one, and I relate. Yeah I feel bigger in that moment... but then I melt into a puddle for a while afterward. I'm getting better at the rebounding now, but oh how I don't like the icky feelings after an event like that.

 

[macca]

I realise that I've been ignoring myself all my life, always putting other people first, but getting angry if others ignored me! That how I was treated as a child was not my fault after all, that I didn't deserve it, and that I do matter after all. These things have been huge realisations since I started therapy. Thank you @BlackbirdSinging - what a great thread. It's good to focus on this stuff - I get so stuck in the muck, focussing on what I have learned is like washing the mud off.

 

[The Albatross]

I realize that for every awful, frustrating, disappointing, shameful, fearful situation, or humiliation and self doubt I have... I have a new day every day to deal with it and maybe turn things back around with an aim for some peace, calm, generally satisfying activities and situations, and some loving kindness. It's up to me.

 

[Britt.f7]

I realize that I am the only one standing in my way of getting better. I'm the one isolating myself. I'm learning to be more aware of it and get out. Not an easy feat. I realize that when it boils down to it, I am the one in control.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I realize that I'm scared of hope. It seems or just feels like every time I dare to hope for something I end up hurt. To me hope feels like a blade with two very sharp edges. One edge could hurt me for not trying. The other edge could hurt me if I try and I'm vulnerable and I end up hurt all over again. This makes me realize that I don't know how to deal with life if I'm not hypervigilant. I've been hypervigilant for so long and I'm in a constant state of it that I don't know what it's like to not be hypervigilant.

 

[The Albatross]

I realize that getting a forum notification for "quoting entire posts" et cetera, et cetera (latin for and other things) on the Avoidance Issues thread ... even though I didn't do that because I edited the full text of the quote and also my response post number 10 was a reply to post number 3, feels like just another instance of unfair treatment (like my facility director did to me Tuesday morning) but is really just an irritation and I'll get over it.