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I realize that I just had an emotional flashback. I almost always recognize it after I've cried and it's starting to go away. I wish the people who traumatized me had to have them too. They're the ones that inflicted pain. They should have to suffer just as bad as I do. If not worse.
Good realization Ninja.... now take it and learn how to keep your finger off the self destruct button. (That's what a friend called it... and I kept it because it reminds me that I'm the one often times that trips myself up and into the cycle of self abuse. Acting out or heaping criticisms on myself.)
I realize I am better at offering others compassion then I am at offering it to myself. I realize I will not get better unless I make a conscious effort at it.
I realize that I try to argue with and stop and silence hypervigilance. And I realized the other day that that's impossible and it's never going to work. I realize that hypervigilance has only one purpose and it can't and won't and doesn't know how to be anything else. All hypervigilance is and can do is seek out danger what looks like might be danger and alert me to it. I realize that if I'm going to turn the volume down on hypervigilance I'm going to have to deal with the anxiety that triggers it.
I realize that I'm really wrestling with PTSD. And I've decided that wrestling with PTSD is like wrestling an octopus. Just when you get one of it's arms almost pinned down and under some kind of control 7 other arms come at you from every direction. Not only that but the d* mn thing is biting you the whole time too.