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I Realize That I

I just realized tonight that for I don't even know how long I've been trying to be all things for everyone I know in the ways that I can. I need to think about this long and hard. I'm sitting here after 4 and a half hours of sleep and a long day at 1:30am. I've been trying to "be" for a relative who came down for a short trip. And when she went to sleep I was being everything I could for my daughter until she fell asleep. Now I'm talking to my son to "be" for him. And in all of that I've been in pain exhausted and coughing off and on all day. I like "being" for people in my life. I'm starting to think though that maybe I've gone too far with it and that I'm starting to feel the effects of it. I wonder how long I've been trying to cover everyone else's needs while minimizing my own needs. I'm really going to think about this.
 
I realize that I have faults, make mistakes, can be irrational and that I can apologize for being an asshat when my past catches up with the present. I realize sometimes I am just an asshole and that's ok. I also realize that I am human and I can learn to how to find solutions to my mistakes and accept my faults. I realize that I need to stop being so hard on myself.
 
I realise that I've had to come to terms with my diagnosis and deal and cope with disassociating nd my flashbacks . I have realised that I have to accept this. I have realised how amazing my husband is who looks after me when I am in this state. I realise how much my son suffers to see me in this state. I have realised that this is me and this will be with me for eternity! I have realised that other people suffer as much as I do. I have realised that not every one understands what we suffer! I have realised that the mental health system where I live doesn't really understand my diagnosis . I have realised and accepted to add this to my life and deal with it the best way I can!
 
I realize that I don't like or want to accept what PTSD has possibly done to my memory! I realize that maybe I need to see a neurologist to find out if my memory problems are all from the PTSD or a combination of things. I realize stress may be playing a role... :bored: I realize that although I'm not happy about this memory issue and I'd like things to change, I may have to accept that this could be the "new me" from now on.:tdown::unsure:
 

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