I Realize That I

[Anrish]

I realize that I have to get out of function mood.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I realize that there are no more excuses for why I am not able to take control of my own personal ptsd recovery. The blame game of the "parents" stops now...also trying to love people "siblings" who refuse my love...this stops now too.

For I am not how I am treated...I am what I answer to... and I am a loving, caring, giving, trustworthy woman whom as a child on up seemed to never be able to move away from all of the pervs/perps "caregivers" toxicity and the all-consuming near-death and near-destruction by "caregivers". And I've been through hell on this earth...and I am not going to take any more toxic waste from any direction...any more. I've had it. I am done.

Where I'm at now in my ptsd recovery is that I will continue to try and learn to self-love, self-care, and treat myself with great respect and self-discretion and self-discernment. My "feelings" are NOT always facts either. How I feel is important to me in relationship to my medical, mental, and emotional health and well-being, however, not to my detriment of continuing to be anal-retentively hyper-focused on my "feelings". And so I'm moving away from my hyper anal-retentive focused "feelings" and now am focusing and trying to become more spontaneous and less hyper-anal "feelings" focused on everything.

And I am learning that these cruel perp/perv messages that sometime (less now) play by rote through my mind and are truly nothing more and nothing less than...the lies that perps/pervs so cruelly taught (brainwash) to me and how they so violently and vilely treated me, and therefore can have no more further and future power and negative effect and hold over me, only if I let them by believing the former lies and acting them out in my life now...and am becoming more and more aware of how I have harmed myself in my present...due to my past history.

In attaining and growing in the ptsd recovery knowledge and therefore empowerment tools, techniques, life education, which is to learn to choose how and with whom from this point on I spend my life and time with.

And I must be careful of old patterns of drawing and being drawn into the webs of poisonous and toxic people in my present day life; and also by giving (those who are very self-effacing and self-destructive) even slight and albeit limited power over me by my spending self-deprecating time and space with toxic, harmful people. I am so done with acting out, and further self-annihilating behaviors and self-incriminating actions and self-defeating mannerisms (i.e. over-eating (unhealthy foods), over-spending (limited income to boot), placing myself around toxic and self-destructive people, places, and things, and thereby negatively reacting (being gaslit by mentally unhealthy firestarters) verbally, mentally, and emotionally negatively off of some demented and sick and twisted perverse leach-like people that live only on the outer perimeter (rim) of my ptsd-recovery life and if I let them they will continue to try and suck the very life marrow (force) out of me and any of those unsuspecting loving, giving people around them. I've given until there's not much left of me to give to myself. And I'm done draining myself of my limited energies and resources for toxic people who do not appreciate my loving and giving efforts anyway.

I now run from caustic and self-destructive people that because they have no "self" then try to destroy everything in their paths due to their self-hating and self-loathing. No thanks, again...I've given enough...and I've had enough.

And I simply refuse to live in self-condemnation, self-hate and self-destruction (learned from perps/pervs) and now others that I used to be attracted to "perps/pervs" because I wanted to people-please, and because I wanted to change them (trying to win approval of perps/pervs of long ago thus now in present day life setting myself up for disappointment and failure by trying to change sick people whom are incapable of loving me or themselves). And because I wanted to "fit in" to some twisted and skewed perceptions of what I "should" be in their minds only. And for me only of their self-centered and unrealistic expectations of me - this one-time fully broken and emotionally decimated woman who now refuses to remain broken, any longer. I would (and will be) rather be around people who are trying to fill their lives with happiness, peace, and contentment, rather than trying to harm and manipulate others with their self-hate and their grandiose self-destructive paths by trying to harm others and themselves with their self-hate.

I am so finished people-pleasing, and so over trying to fit another unhappy and unhealthy person's narrow-minded and mentally unhinged and warped and bent "rationale" of whom I "ought" to be. It would seem that I have enough to contend with without looking to try and harm others with cruelty and mind-warping manipulative tactics. Trying to continue to keep focus on my ptsd recovery issues.

I am worthy of love, and I will continue to learn how to self-love and to be my own best friend by learning from solid good role models around me how to self-actuate. Evolve...become the woman pervs/perps nearly killed...I'm still here and learning and growing every day (learning what I needed to be taught but never was - as a young child growing up). It's never too late for me to learn how to self-actualize. It is never too late.

I am...the living proof and I have survived the unthinkable...unimaginable! Pros and cons...what they did to my body and to my mind has now made me even tougher and stronger than before...I am still here...and growing and transforming and becoming the beautiful flower that I always tried to self-harm, destroy as perps/pervs were destroying themselves and me as well as I was in their wake, nothing personal just for me the luck of the draw.

I want to live this day...and change and become whom and what they (perps/pervs) oh so nearly succeeded in annihilating. That I am still here learning and growing re my serious ptsd issues tells me that I am stronger than I ever realized or ever thought I was. And through ptsd recovery and through ongoing and intensive ptsd therapy, I am undergoing the metamorphoses...I am... becoming...changing...growing...exciting...scary. ...and real...here and now...present and accounted for.

You (perps/pervs) did not "win" and you did not kill me! I am here! I am the living proof (re my past horrific trauma events), and no more denial and also no more blame-game. Learning and growing! This is my life now...not the pervs/perps whom after they were done with me...then I nearly allowed what perps/pervs so horrifically did to me in my past to almost completely destroy my present...and my future.

 

[8888]

I realize I can be a bit judgmental of people, I've got to try to change that.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I realize that I am my own worst enemy, have to knock this off.

 

[ninja]

I realize that I am facing and breaking down old beliefs I had about what I was and was not capable of doing. It is liberating.

 

[The Albatross]

I realize that "right fighters" are incredibly frustrating and there isn't likely anything to be done about it.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I realize that I simply see reflections of my own past/present/future in so many others, especially the ones who trip my triggers the hardest, and it's quite challenging at times, but can also be very beneficial, if I let it be.

 

[Anrish]

I realize that I ...do not die when I begin to feel.

 

[Groo]

I realised that I am stronger than I thought... and that I may have gone through more than I realised.

 

[whiteraven]

I realized that I am stronger and more courageous than I ever thought.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I realize that being on the upswing of my own healing process is beginning to have really good days, I have changed and it is reflecting in the transforming of my good days into feeling more alive than I ever have before. I need to hang onto this truth on my down and bad days.

 

[Anrish]

I realize that I love the sound of a violin.