I Realize That I

[8888]

I realize that I need new friends.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize I am now choosing to not forgive; to hate; to be disgusted, if that's what I feel. And all can apply equally to me too, and be my fault. But I no longer care. I have lived like a fool my whole life. Enough of caring about anything or anyone anymore. It's not my job to steer the ship, pray for others, care about who doesnt care, or in any other way give anything of myself, including the benefit of the doubt, or forgiveness, or my time, heart, care or energy. I'm bled dry anyway. They were big on taking. They shall do well. Smarter than me..

 

[Tinyflame]

Then again, no point letting a p*ssy mood or mindset dominate. They said today ego or jealousy or envy can predominate. And Friday always says something like ~sh*try life, live better, or die better. Start today new.

 

[Friday]

And Friday always says something like ~sh*try life, live better, or die better. Start today new.

If your life hurts? Live better.
If your death hurts? Die better.

It’s one o’my rules on suicide. The solution to life hurting isn’t death. That’s like trying to deal with downing by lighting a fire, because water puts out fire so the reverse “feels” like it should work… instead of learning to swim, or climbing into a boat, or airlifting out.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks @Friday .

There's always the temptation that maybe if things are said aloud, or verbalized or shouted out, it will improve or change something. Of course that never does.

 

[Tinyflame]

Disappointment is a normal part of all relationships. Different from being triggered, or a stress meltdown, or being flooded.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize that when stuff is going on around me negative, and destructive, I feel very afraid of, 'who else is involved?', and is it people who were trustworthy? Esp when I've seen for my own eyes, or others have involved me (tried). And if it's really lousy, I know it was as I thought. But if it's nominal, I wonder if it's just the start, or scratching the surface?

Similarly, I hate to witness/ want to stay uninvolved, when other people do stuff, esp if I know their spouse, etc.

Probably wouldn't notice 1/2 without hypervigilance, or my own history, or fear it's a repeat performance. Because frankly, it's not what they do, it's the climate that triggers me. Then again, it doesn't take much. Lies covered big injuries, and dangerous, crappy situations.

Oh well. In another way, I don't care. As long as I can stay out/ away from it.

I guess I really need 'solid'. Which is a lot to expect/ isn't likely.

 

[Tinyflame]

I know what it is: traumas caused by people who wanted to be seen as A, but were acting like B. Not people who were acting like B, and didnt care who knew it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize, trying to look up guidance for how to deal with someone's paranoia of sorts, to deal with unfounded accusations, that the guidance is there is nothing to respond with, because they've made up their mind, and (I) simply haven't done it. They won't give the benefit of the doubt, or discuss it. I woke up feeling I have let it take away most in my life, and there's not much left to take. I could say it's my fault to have allowed it, but I had/ have no tools or abilities to stop it.

But then I also thought of my dream, and the words were something like, acknowledgement, and ~"I know that it (this) is hard'. And that's all I needed, or at least to say that made a difference.

And I learned though, I have been what they called respectful, to ask others if they were willing to hear me, apparently that gives the power back to the other person. I suppose I hoped they would have something to say to discuss it, because I gave the benefit of the doubt. They didn't, so I guess they didn't. Much as I would have wished otherwise, I am glad I could still give what is a choice to speak or to be heard, unlike the spot I am in. Because I don't want to treat others how I have received, or become that way, like the rest bleeds in. Probably easier to do or become (for me) than I would like to admit.

Hope that makes sense.

Oh ya, ETA, they said the only time people might reconcile is when they've had a real connection, which at one point I had with my relative. So, who knows? Though I'm not holding out hope.

They also said trust is either conditional or unconditional; if it is broken and is unconditional is when it hurts or is more impactful, because it goes straight to the amygdala. Which is the first thing I've heard about trust that makes sense. And it follows (to me), that should be a choice, whether it's unconditional or conditional, but I seem to not be able to make it conditional, it's unconditional (rare) or not at all. So my fault, even if again I don't really have the tools or understanding or personality to figure out how to do that.

 

[Tinyflame]

I just realized, for all the time and effort I made through my life towards reconciliation, or peace, it was probably a relief to others when I gave up, lol, 'She got lost- FINALLY!' Lol. Like my 2 sisters. OMG I didnt think it lol. And would explain why they never contacted me, pretty much. Yikes. Slow to learn.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize a person has to use their strengths, and oddly enough mine is both remembering, and forgetting. I am going to forget the past, except what intrudes, which is inevitable. It's going in to a box. If it's not in my field of vision today, or something I feel, hear, touch or experience today, it no longer exists for me. People, places, memories, hurts or joys. Not relevant if not today. I feel I am able to do that, as I already don't remember most of my childhood, and have zero interest in nursing grudges, and no memory is positive that ends badly. I hope I can do it. I think I can. Quite easily, actually.

 

[Survivor3]

I realise that I have been really depressed all week and I need to do something with my sorry ass. I'm still not drinking or smoking though. It's easy to miss some positives when your having a hard time.