I Realize That I

[parrotthepolly]

Will always have rolling veins no matter how low my body fat percentage is

 

[In the weeds]

Go through withdraw during the off season of baseball. It's prolly not baseball itself but the habits my daughter and I have during the season. It always feels like something's not quite right when the schedule we have feels different.

 

[Rose White]

I realize that I need to realize and accept that no matter what the current social and political trends, adults will find ways to exploit children. There is no safe political group or religious group or community.

As a csa survivor I have a fantasy that somewhere there is a place of total safety. If we can just get the culture right, if we can just choose the correct moral framework… then it won’t happen to other kids.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I haven't got much to lose at this point and it's almost like it doesn't matter if I ruin what's left.

 

[Rose White]

Today I learned about myself that I feel most comfortable with partners who are disgusted by me, to a certain extent.

My pedophile dad

Projected his self-disgust

Onto me.

My dad

Did some disgusting things.

I internalized a sense of “I am disgusting.” I scapegoated myself…

To protect him, to keep him whole.

I couldn’t help loving him,

Because he was my dad.

I *had* to love him… biologically.

So,

I love people who are disgusted by me. Because that’s what “makes sense” to the part of me that feels/receives love.

And?

I wish my dad weren’t like that. I wish I could have my dad but he be a different person.

And that’s what I feel about partners. I wish I could have [X] but they be a different person. And my fantasy is that they change *because of me*. Because I’m kind and patient and present and they don’t have to be scared/angry/sad anymore—the world is safe because I’ll always be there for them.

The fantasy is that my dad would have changed because he realized I was worth changing for.

But he didn’t.

And the partners (up to now) won’t change either. Because changing would alter the dynamic of desire that brought us together.

So that’s my realization. No solution.

 

[ms spock]

I was just looking at folks I knew and know. I realise that so many folks have been so kind, witty, intelligent, fun, deep and meaningful with me on this forum.