I realized something Huge. I have never had (by definition) complicated grief, but it has been complicated. Not just deaths (but only some of them), it was horribly complicated by abusive and bizarre behaviours (sometimes horrific, too horrific to mention) of others during (my) loved ones' illnesses and after their death(s). When my dad died, I thought I didn't prevent it, didn't speak up, ok I could see that contributing to how I felt though it took 25 years to find out that wasn't exactly so. But later- others- it was the occurrence of mind-boggling abusive behaviours at the same time that was so harmful, things no one could have imagined under even 'normal' conditions (let alone during illnesses or after a death). There was terrible emotional manipulation too. It would have been bad without it, but 'normal'. 'Grief' has not been the problem per se.
And it helps me understand, because I could never figure out why it would occur with family members' deaths (I could see for myself if it were a spouse, both due to love/ co-dependence even). But it was never all about grief, it was because of abuse and horrible things at the same time.[DOUBLEPOST=1400116729,1400116521][/DOUBLEPOST]And that's why it feels like it will bring on a physical & mental breakdown. There are numerous connotations present to fear, beyond the obvious (and 'normal') fears or heartache that are there as well.
